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I really hate how fucking quick google loves giving bloody, immediately post/during operation images for any type of bottom surgery. It really icks me out. Especially when I'm just trying to find out what the results of said surgery [vaginal preserving phalloplasty] would look like.
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no one tells you how good a stiff collar feels against your neck…
context: wore a shirt I picked up from the men’s section to a social function yesterday. my mother immediately asked if it was a joke. my dad asked why I didn’t wear a dress. (no one was wearing a dress except the host’s wife.) it had a stiff collar and arm-collar thing and I looked so fucking good all night man. Best shirt purchase I have ever made in my entire ass life.
Found a diary entry of mine from high school which is… very rare! (I didn’t write down a lot of what I was feeling because I was scared of it being found by my parents + used against me.)
But this entry I could instantly date as the being from the last day of my senior year because it was the day I made out with this boy, we’ll call him ‘O’, and one of the first things I note about him is that “He’s a pretty boy.”
And that unlocked a core part of our dynamic that I’d completely forgotten about. We were pretty flirtatious friends and I’d often call him “pretty” or “cute” to which he’d responded very favorably towards. Even the day we made out, I didn’t have the word for it then but I got the feeling the roles were “reversed.”
Nothing really came of it. But it was a pretty interesting memory I hadn’t really thought about in quite a while. Plus, seeing that really helps with the ever-so-often imposter syndrome.
I don’t believe in the static self, the idea that who you are is determined at birth. In fairness, most people also don’t believe in the static self up until it comes to identity.
For me, I truly believe that my identity is influenced by how I was raised. My parents (and my father in particular) raised me as their first son and their first daughter. While I was expected to be feminine outside of the home, inside my house was different story.
All the things expected of boys, of men, were placed on my shoulders due to being the eldest sibling. My dad would regularly confuse me for his son, accidentally use he/him pronouns for me, and overall expect me to uphold the masculine ideals he kept for himself.
But I still wasn't given access to masculinity. Though I had internalized the very masculine standards I was held to (especially the toxic masculine ones like not crying, leadership, emotional detachment —those things), the outside world refused to see me as masculine.
Before I ever thought of myself as bigender, I saw myself as a masculine woman first. Then, as it became clear that no one else would take me seriously as a masculine woman, I considered gender apathy. I thought that because I didn't really see myself as feminine. It might be that I wasn't very attached to being a woman. I knew I could perform femininity and, yeah, enjoy it too but, at my core, it wasn't how I saw myself.
Outside of the romantic implications of marriage, I also struggled alot with the idea that I would be expected to take a submissive role in the relationship which (in my family) was synonymous with the idea that I'd have to find a man that "brings out my femininity." Even small things like doing DIY repairs was something my parents felt I should stop doing. After all, I'd have a man to do that for me (or call someone if he couldn't).
I know I've joking talked about how little I want that but I cannot capture the actual distaste and terror that runs through me at imagining that for myself. A future me that looks like that is a future me that's decided that slowly dying in the closet was somehow worth it.
It is only when I am seen and acknowledged as a masculine woman that I am most myself.
l wish we had an easier way of talking about that really awful experience of when people perceive you as the wrong allinity. Like how it just feels more than a simple misunderstanding, like almost… violating. And it just makes me feel sort of trapped. Like to me it’s almost like getting misgendered but with my allinity instead of gender…
Thank you for this ask! It's taken me a long time to answer this because I really had to sit on this because you vocalized something I really hadn't/haven't at this point.
Personally, I like it more when people use masculine terms for me over feminine ones despite being both a man and a woman and I could never figure out why. I think what you've said has gotten to the core of it. When the people around me use "lady" or "woman" in reference to me, I can almost feel the very feminine connotation they're attaching to the word. (I'm not saying those words are inherently feminine, just that sometimes you can feel that the person using it is is attaching a very gendered understanding to the word.) But, the same people using/accidentally using "man" or "guy" for me, feels not great but better. Because those fall more closely in line with my allinity than the previous terms. Thank you supers for this ask!!
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I struggle to put into words just how much I really like masc4masc. No matter how much I try to embody the desire in words, there's always a part missing from the overall picture.
But, y'know, trying is all I can really do.
I'm still working on a good metaphor but, for now, I'll settle with what I have: having a masc partner who (wants to be with a virago) is like having a wild horse that wants to be led.
Wild horses are supposed to fight for leadership and position. They're supposed to be active, dominant, and must be broken to be wrangle leadership from.
Not this one, though, he wants to be led. He doesn't want to worry about fighting back and forth for power (he might prod just for fun —but never really seriously). He wants to be the more 'passive' partner and fine being with a someone just as wild as he is.
More than fine, he actively wants to be with another wild partner! There's recognition of each other's respective strength and still, this wild horse, wants to be led.
How tall are you ?😉
Somewhere between 5' 9" and 5' 10" —basically I’m just enough above 5' 9" that if I’m wearing platformed shoes (sneakers, wedges, a nice Mary Jane) I can hit 5' 10"!
So I’ve been trying to find more about female masculinity in igbo culture and specifically more about nwa nna (female sons) and woman-husbands. And it’s, like, frustrating because it IS really interesting but it’s not what I’m looking for. It’s gnc in western/eurocolonial systems but incredibly restrained/controlled/conditional when in context of Igbo traditional culture. It’s bot that it can’t be read as queer but that to do so would mean discarding the culture around it. Which really sucks because I was really hoping to reclaim it or see how, as a virago, i can deeper incorporate that into my ethnic identity as Igbo.
