#vilala

I am not really sure there could be any really fun stories when you talk about past conquests with your current lover. I mean… talking about former lovers with a current paramour can already cause feelings of jealousy and possessiveness, competitiveness, and even insecurity. To be quite honest, before Hawke the only times I’ve ever brought up my former lovers specifically with my current one was always either when I wanted to belittle them (“I’ve had better”), or stroke their egos (“You’re better than they were”).

I have spoken to her about it before, and it wasn’t exactly the sort of thing that I wanted to, or looked forward to, but it did help deepen our understanding of each other. It was shortly after our encounter with Zevran... I had a bit of a discussion with her, and we came to something of an understanding, which has... affected me a bit in my normal outlook.

Now... to understand what I mean, it's important to understand how I view things. I'm not big on things like... monogamy, or being physically faithful to someone, or whatever. I mean... sex is just... sex. It feels good, like a foot massage or a delicious cupcake. It's something you can do when you're looking for a good time, and it doesn't necessarily have to mean anything. In fact, most of the time when I do it, it's just a pleasant way to pass some time. There are almost never any of those pesky feelings attached to the act, and to me it's little more than using and then discarding a living, breathing sex toy.

I realize that just because this is how I view things doesn't mean this is the case with others, and I've had my share of entanglements where a former paramour read way too much into simple act of bumping of southern abominations and I had to cut things off before they got too weird. And it's something that I found myself specifically avoiding in the past, just to avoid such complications.

But complicate things they did, because I had to go and fall in lo- ... ahem, get involved with someone who I did care for. And that's where the bit of dissonance appeared. I value her opinion, and I wanted to be by her side, but I didn't necessarily take it to mean that she was the only one I would boff. Just because your best friend is a great cook doesn't mean you can't also have a little snack at the street vendor, right? And she understands this... which is why it got a little strange when I thought I would sample Zev's snack wares that time we ran into him.

That was when Hawke said something that brought me up short.

"I don't want you to do this," she said.

I surprised myself when I acquiesced and said "Fine. But there better be sex to make up for it later." before I realized the words were coming out of my mouth. I mean... why would I do that? I'm Isabela. I do what I want. From raiding ships, to gutting fools, to dueling for excitement, I've always done what I wanted to. And part of me really, really wanted to shag Zevran so hard he couldn't walk for the rest of the afternoon. But another part of me didn't. It was then that I realized... I cared about what she thought more than I cared about a little momentary afternoon pleasure. It took me a while to realize it, but it finally came to me that day - that's what having feelings for someone means.

Hawke and I had a bit of a short conversation about it afterwards, of course. And given who she is, I briefly expected her to try to dictate what or who I did with my body. I knew that if she did, the whole thing would likely explode and we'd go our separate ways, because I just won't have it. I won't abide anyone to tell me just what I can or cannot do, Hawke or no Hawke. But that isn't what happened at all.

She took me by the hand and looked me in the eye, before very calmly telling me that she understands me, and how I view things. And that she would never try to force me into something that I don't want to do, but asked me to remember that her snacks are amazing. Let's be quite clear here, they really are. I mean... wow, I've been having her snacks quite regularly for years now, and it's still wonderful and satisfying.

I wasn't really sure about it at the time, because it was then that she delivered on the promise about the makeup sex, and I was focusing on more pleasant things for a good two or three hours. It was only afterwards, lying on those satin sheets with her in my arms, both of us sweaty, entangled, and sated, that my mind wandered a bit and I started to think about it. As I looked down at my arms wrapped around her body, I imagined other arms holding her instead. The lean, wiry arms of Zevran, the strong, quiet arms of the Hero of Ferelden, the scrawny pale arms of Anders, and any number of other types. And while the thought of Hawke having her share of pleasure didn't bother me, one other thing did. I realized that I didn't want her to feel for them what I felt for her. I wanted it to be mine. I wanted her to want to be with me, to want to spend time with me, to want to care about me. While I wouldn't mind sharing her body with others (provided she wanted to, of course), I just couldn't see myself sharing that aspect of her. I just didn't want to.

It's selfish, I know, but you must realize by now that I'm a pretty selfish person by nature.

It was then that I decided that I would only give freely of my body if we both wanted it, and were both there for it. Not because I somehow saw sex as different... far from it. To me, It's still just a good way to spend a few minutes or more, much like drinking or stealing valuables from ignorant nobles. But I chose to do so because I respect and care for Hawke and her feelings, and want her to know how much I value and care for her. She knows that the past is in the past, and I've mentioned the Hero of Ferelden to her before as well as the King of Ferelden, and a few other rather famous conquests of mine, but it wasn't in an attempt to elicit a reaction from her. It was because she asked and I was telling her some stories about what had happened. 

Okay so I was tagged by the sweet xxangelshadowxx (sorry I took so long with this, life got in the way!)

So here it goes :)

Rules:

1. Always post the rules.

2. Answer the questions set by the person who tagged you and add 11 new ones.

3. Tag 11 new people and link them to the post.

4. Let them know they were tagged.

My Questions:

1. Coffee or Tea?  Coffee

2. If you could have your dream job what would it be? I have my dream job.  :)

3. Any siblings? How many? If not, do/did you ever wish you had siblings?  2 younger sisters who I bossed around mercilessly when we were kids.

4. What is a small simple gesture that makes you smile?  a wink or a smile

5. If you drive, what is the fastest speed limit you ever went?  120 mph (177 km/h) in my Maxima.  Once and only once on an empty stretch of highway.

6. The power goes out, what do you do for fun to pass the time? If I'm alone: play games on my laptop or watch movies until the 6hr battery dies.  If I'm with friends and family: play cards or dominoes

7. Do you experience deja vu?  Yes

8. What is your favorite cereal? Depends on my mood at the time.  Honey Nut Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cinnamon Toast Crunch

9. What time is it right now?  1pm

10. What is a superpower you wish you could have? Super speed

11. What television show do you watch the most?  Once upon a time

Questions I have for YOU: same questions as above!

I Am Tagging:

jaymaparrilla

vilala

ofthepumpkinvariety

swanqueenandrizzles

never-letthemseeyoucry

highonloveanddesire

bnaz

brisiafterdark

hunnyfresh

regally-evil

twittle91

Lastnight in rehearsal we learnt a drinking song, and I got to dance with my good friend #vilala. and i felt a lot like Merry and Pippin in the moment...

 We danced with ale mugs in our hand... and sang about a dragon... and my heart was happy.

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