#viky writes

hope you kill yourself in strife

die so stupid for my smile

You're a member of Monika's literature club, along with her and Yuri, plus that new guy she invited. That makes 4 people in total. Your school requires clubs to have at the very least 5 members, otherwise they get shut down. Did your club always have 4 members? Did Monika have to pull some strings to get a 4 member club opened in the first place? You don't remember and you're scared to ask. It's not exactly Monika's response that scares you. Monika is nice. She's sweet, always cheery and helpful and has a bit of a mysterious aura around her whenever she stares into the air, as if staring right through it and seeing things that others can't. You're not scared of her glaring green eyes that pierce through you when she looks at you. Why would you be, you've known each other for months and have become quite good friends by this point. 

(Has it been months? You're actually not sure...)

Monika is a very charismatic person with a magnetic personality. She's the best club president anyone could ask for. No wonder the new guy is all over her. You're not jealous. Monika would be a much more perfect partner to him than just the little old you anyway.

Whenever you think of Monika you can't help but think of how wonderful she is. Your mind involuntarily slips into the train of thoughts of complimenting her, like an autocorrect, even when she's not around. That scares you. 

(How much time has passed since the start of the school year?)

(What semester are you in?)

You try carefully bringing this up in a conversation with Yuri. You ask her how long has it been since you both joined the club, ignoring how fuzzy your own memory gets whenever you're thinking of the time before the club. She doesn't have an answer and for a second looks as lost as you are. Then she shrugs and you go back to a normal conversation. You see how she tries to hide the tremors in her hands though. 

You don't get a chance to speak to her about the weird things around you after that. Something changes in her behaviour, and you don't know if she's always acted like this and you just never noticed or if that's a new development. One day she comes in to the club like usual and you dont see the quiet spark in her eyes anymore. She's forgotten your conversation with her, and now everything you can talk to her about is the new guy. She started talking more bluntly, her movements more sharp and reckless. Her words more hurtful, too. You don't know what happened, but she doesn't behave like the person you used to talk about novel recommendations with.

The situation at home gets worse, but for some reason, your mind goes blank whenever you attempt to recall the details. You go to school in the morning, visit the club, return home in the evening and it's like a black cut after that. You leave to school in the morning again, with nothing but a vague sense of hunger, guilt in the back of your mind and occasionally a few new bruises on your arms or legs. 

(Thankfully, the school uniform covers them up.)

Somehow, the literature club took up the number one priority spot in your mind. The promise of hanging out and reading some manga from your stash in the class closet is the only thing that keeps you going through your classes. During the day you find yourself only capable thinking about the club. And its members, of course. And Monika. How have your grades not gone worse from not paying attention in class at all is a mystery to you. 

And yet, despite that, whenever you're in the club classroom you desperately wish you could be anywhere else. The heavy atmosphere weighs on you as soon as you enter the room. Some weird feeling deep in your bones. (Like something is missing?) You try your best to hide how you feel. You enjoy the poems that you all share with each other. You share your cupcakes. You try not to flinch when you catch Monika's gaze on you. It gets harder with every day. 

(You feel watched and judged in the place that used to be your refuge.)

The club has become a shell of what it used to be. Something is Wrong and you can't tell what exactly and you dont remember how it was anymore, and everyone is acting Weird and you know it's affecting you too and you're so incredibly scared. 

And yet you can't help but come to the the place again.