#victorey

I would be a horrid person if I didn't say life was exhausting. But consistency is key (NO pun intended) to riding of it. Thus I need to remember why I woke every morning in the first place. Who I wanted to partake of at the cost of losing sleep and chasing tirelessly. Ever got what you wanted and then got "too" comfortable. Taken that feeling for granted simply because the hard part seemed over. That's a fools thought. I have a purpose.... I was needed and was no where to be seen. So let me pick the mirror up, not to see my self, but to remember who was always standing behind me.

I was driving idle one morning with no destination. My heart was heavy with pain from days prior and my mind grinding at the Spector I called thought. It was haunting and dim but in the midst of my revelry I was brought to a hault. Among loose leaves and debris so carelessly left in the street lay an injured bird. One wing had been broken and its orientation stirred. How could anyone leave such a creature after an accident was beyond my conception. Thus my once heavy heart now bled and my grinding mind now focused. I brought my vehicle to a stop and without a second thought I picked the bird up from its place and brought it to a tree. "I can't help you.....I don't know how. I CAN give you a safer place to be" I said as the bird struggled. I left it inside the small hole of an old neighborhood Norwood oak in.hopes that it would not perish. With despair and concern over its fate I uttered "Ya Allah, keep this bird in your plans and let it not expire without knowing humanity tried". I left, watching from my rear view as the tree shrunk and chirps were heard no more. My day no longer felt missionless nor my doings idle. I now felt proud and engulfed with vigor. However, that feeling was. balanced with a feeling of irrelevance and worthlessness. "I couldn't ensure that birds life. I couldn't not repair its injuries. I couldn't only shift its place. Oh how significant that was....." Later on in my now eventful day I reflected on my pride. How instead of learning to accept defeat and my own limitations, I over compensate with control and power in my relationships. It was all I had since at a young age my control was ripped from me through means untasteful. I looked at my hands and the trail mix within and uttered "seed". I unknowingly compared myself to a haughty seed. Seeds are strong and resilient, enduring and compact. It embodied all that I pretended and wanted to be. Virtually indestructible and needed for nourishment they were. I smiled but it would only last a millisecond. "How is it that something so strong sprouts into something so fickle and frail? Suddenly going from self reliant to in need desperately. Water, sun, air, and soil all control a sprouts life. Who needs a sprout?! "They are too weak!" It was then I wished to never grow. But why? Did I really wish to miss being something more, blooming simply because I would be vulnerable and dependent? No! Sprouts grow into beautiful things! They show the world how the small and insignificant can become the very soul and brace others need. They turn into flowers that feed bee's, the bushes that shelter small animals. However most of all, they become the trees the shelter us from the sun and rain. The tress that root our memories and supply our fuel. The tall branches that hold the very nests that birds will one day soar from. "So how can being a sprout after all that be bad?" I was bombarded with this epiphany while starring at my hand. I didn't need to be a seed. I did not need power or control. It is true that I was unable to control that poor birds fate or do more to secure it. However I could shift it and give it some safety to one day soar again. It was a tree I placed it in. If that tree had been like me, unwilling to ever grow from a seed, that bird would be lost and exposed. I was forced to thank that tree and that bird for helping me see my flaw. I may not have all that I want, but I love hard and I try my best to protect my relationships, even if it's just a simple shift. That is indeed the best I can do some times and most times that is the best thing to be done regardless. Birds and seeds..... who knew the two could save lives! What I was getting at with all of this is.....I love you Victoria. There is so much I want to do for you. I would set my life on fire and brimstone to see you smile. I wish I could be stronger for you. To have saved you from every pain and tribulation that has ever touched your skin. It hurts to not be able to do that. I wanted to be that seed so BAD! But if I am, ill never be that tree that will shade your heart and support your ambitions. I have to become vulnerable and place my heart on new leaves so that you can shower me with the affection I sometimes unknowingly fear. Forgive me if I have ever offended you or broken even a shard of your heart. I just hope you will stay around long enough to heal with me so I can see you soar. Just know that no matter how high you fly I'll be rooted in the soil you nurtured so deeply that you can always come back to rest. The Lord -Maahes

typist has been far too busy to be consistent these past few weeks with the new arrival of a baby (my niece), moving preparations and wedding planning etc. Between time posts may or may not be made but no one is forgotten. Not even my favorite Demoness, awesomely handsome Dino or that tea serving Angel who lives in my room. Take care NSC.

(She will never see your SHINee faces again….get it? Shiny=SHINee, hahah. Woo! I crack myself up~)