ā¦ā¦.to be completely honest. As hard as I am trying and as much as Iām fightingā¦ā¦.iā¦honestly donāt know if I can make it. I donātā¦.i honestly donāt know if I can exist in society andā¦.live. It gets harder each new year and with each added age comes more pressure, anxiety, stress and questions and doubts I donāt have answers for. I havenāt figured out the previous years and Iām tossed along expected to know more and be more and Iā¦.cant keep up. I canāt do this living thing. Iām trying so hard And Iāve been trying for years but itās getting so hard for the first time itās started to dawn on me that I might never be able to make it for real. It might all be too much. The weight of being alive might be more than I can hold up and Iām afraid I might crumble after all my efforts and be a dead failure. Someone who cracked under the pressure and chose to end it all and be seen as a weakling, my being passed around by gossiping tongues and ugly words. Itāsā¦
Living is terrifying. Iāve been fighting all these years but it never occurred to me I could lose myself while fighting. I always thought if you fought and gave it your all and truly believed in hope and determination and kindness and love you canāt lose. ā¦but Iām losing everything, faster than I can recuperate. Faster than I have the strength for. ā¦..the more I keep myself here, keep myself alive and living through each day the harder it gets and I wonder why Iām even trying at all y'know?
I always believed in my strength and ability and in who I am at the core. I think my soul is a powerful and beautiful thingā¦even if the output ends up messy and damaged. Like the concept is fantastic but the execution kinda failed. Like a really promising Kickstarter that ended up disappointing the whole world.
ā¦for the first time I truly donāt know if Iāll be alright. I donāt know if Iāll ever be ok. And imā¦scared. Iām honestly afraid.
I donāt know if I am really able to exist.