#verblife

Thank you tumblr world - ilu! ♥

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I get opinions and advice on everything that comes out of my mouth here. Thanks to sparkpeople, my life is no longer my own, but is a weekly/daily comic strip for people to criticize, laugh at, print out to keep, to write editorials on, to talk about at the water cooler, my life is all neatly summed up in a wee blog, literature in a hurry. Its never the whole story, its always little bits and pieces that I feel comfortable sharing with the public. Tiny edited portions that can share how I'm feeling, reveal my reservations and neurosis, without hurting the feelings of people who don't agree with my lifestyle, or offending the powers that be, or exposing my friends and their lives too much on the internet where they cannot defend their actions. In other words, I have to keep this as positive and upbeat as possible to keep from getting in trouble with anyone. Which is why I can reveal my darker side and my fears and my phobias and temper tantrums, cause I cant get in trouble for being relateable on the ugly embarrassing side. It does however, open me up to ALL KINDS of advice. All of it conflicting. Yes, all of it. Just Be Yourself Edit Yourself Change yourself don't change yourself don't look for a man Put yourself out there Its easy if its "THE ONE" Its not supposed to be easy, its supposed to be worth it Its scary If you're scared, he's not "THE ONE" Get over yourself Get over your parents Just do you Just do me Suck it up See a therapist Close your account Ignore the haters Ignore the ass kissers They're just jealous They've got a point Set little tiny goals You need something GIANT to work toward DGAF about the scale What's your goal weight? Only pay attention to non-scale victories You cant weigh 14o-something, that's too low of a number on the machine you aren't supposed to care about. Stop having issues with God Stop giving into your demons Stop trying to people please You gotta understand you're in the public eye and you have to give the public what they want don't be so perky, no one likes perky people Cheer up OMG Try drinking more water Have you tried tracking your food? Once you lose the first 10 pounds you'll build momentum Do you eat vegetables? Have you ever tried going vegetarian? Whatever you do, don't give up meat! don't run at night! don't run in the morning! don't run and do ST on the same day! Workout whatever way makes you happy! Do something besides run. Find something you love and stick to it. Give up soda! Please don't think I'm all pissy and mad as I'm writing this, believe me, I'm not, I'm giggling remembering a lot of it. I love when people ask me if I've given up soda and started drinking water yet. You know how when you talk to dudes they try to take your conversation as a jumping off point for action? But you just wanna vent? Sometimes I just wanna vent here. USUALLY i just wanna vent here. Sometimes I ask for feedback or advice, but usually I'm just organizing my thoughts and writing myself into being ready to handle, tackle or achieve something I'm finding hard to start. So if I get miffed at a piece of advice that you wrote on my wall, its just because I probably already heard it a million times today, or I feel as though my intelligence is insulted, or I can tell you didn't read anything past the first line of my blog before you threw that gem in my face. I vent here cause nobody in my life wants to hear all this sht that's rolling around in my head 24/7. Or I've got them so bogged down with helping me not spontaneously combust whilst dealing with the trials, tribulations, humiliation and self-hatred that comes along with dating again for the first time in a decade. Also- for everyone out there telling me not to look for a man... LMAO I'm NOT! I found one, by accident, when I wasn't looking, didn't expect him and my life is totally interrupted (in a beutiful way). So I'm extra vulnerable and exposed right now, and therefore my skin is all raw and sensitive and not as (sortof) thick as I've been doing my best to build it up to be. I've gotta keep my defenses down so he can get in. Unfortunately, other lil bastids are climbing over too and I'm spending a lot of time with a fly swatter. So I need my own little world. Contrary to what I show everyone on here, I keep myself VERY locked up emotionally. I'm a lonely hiding girl. Have been for many many years. NOT socially. Socially I have a core group that I move with and it has dozens of little off-shoot groups that I can roam among safely and with protection and love. Always padded and baby-proofed. LOL in more ways than one. But romantically, let's just say that any time there's a newish guy in the music network that comes over and says how he'd like to take me out sometime, there is always someone right behind him that lets out a belly laugh and says 'Good Luck homeboy'. So I don't even have to reject people anymore, I just smile and walk away. Yeah, that's how I handle sht. I smile and walk away. Here though, you poke me and I don't walk away, I usually lose my sht. Shrug, no one is perfect.  So I need a tiny little isolated world of my own to get lost in. Some of you know that I've been doing a little experiment in which I eat like crap and don't work out so I can watch my mental well-being rapidly decline and I gotta say, its not very fun at all. Without runs: (not diarrhea, just cardio routes) I stress over every little thing I can't work out the sources of my bad feelings, only the symptoms the stress and the confusion of my state of mind combine to create an emotional hurricane leading to night filled with tissues Jack Daniels and my chemical romance. I have to start running again. MANANA. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow If I can JUST get myself to go for the first time, the second time is easier, I know that, I preach that, I've lived that, I've stopped that. Have to go again. I may be ready right now but tomorrow morning? If I wake up crying and miserable and scared, then I will not go- BUT THAT'S WHEN I REALLY SHOULD GO THE MOST! Maybe I need an opposites day. I'm getting fat again lol no I'm not kidding, i gained like 8 pounds but i dgaf because i have more pressing issues in my head, such as RUNNING BEING MY THERAPY AND I'm NOT GOING LATELY. Motivations to run tomorrow. I have new running capris and a new hoodie with thumbholes that I got for my bday and haven't worn yet. WTF The christmas lights have gone up on 5th avenue. Pretty soon the sun wont be up this early anymore and I wont be able to do this in the morning. This weekend, I may not be around to run, so I should get in at least one this week. All I ask is one run this week. Just one. That's all. Gimme a half hour. No big expectations. Just one wee trot. I bet the Verrazano looks beautiful in this crisp clean air we've been having. I swear on my life you will feel better afterward. Please please please please believe me. Your jeans felt tight for the first time this morning. The big burlesque show is coming up in 3 and a half weeks. I gained a little, so I can lose a lot. I needed to see the scale move, so I gained some that would be easy to lose. Now go lose that PLUS 2 or 3 more. PLEASE. for peace of mind for peace of mind for peace of mind So I can get all my crazy out before the weekend So I can face everything don't want to thinking about by the end of mile 3 and have all the rest of that time to daydream about... well to be honest, I know exactly what I will dream about. Being on top. Walking around naked. You do this ALL THE TIME. You make yourself do it. Once your clothes are off, your fearless. Running tomorrow will keep it that way baby. get your edge back because you haven't done something you love, other than sleep, for a long time you have so much book stuff you've been pondering and running seems to be the only time you can go off into your imagination. It would be good for my self-esteem to be out running while NYC is asleep I am a happier person that is more fun and refreshing to be around when I deal with my own sht properly. I cant keep smiling and walking way, i have to run and cry it all out and just GET RAW with myself in order to feel better. Nothing fixes this lie running, not even 'I missed you so much' Hugs. Because its time to admit to myself that I've hit all the walls. ALL OF THEM. And its unacceptable for me to sit here indian style, sketching pictures of the all the pretty walls closing in on me instead of grabbing my grappling hook and heading out into the brave new world on the other side. I'm being a coward for too long of a span of time. because I don't have any faith in myself. I think running helps that too. I'm not sure how, but it seems to. Don't look a gift solution in the mouth. i want to be better than i am now. RUNNING. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. LEAVES. ME. SMILING. i WANT endorphins, not cortisol or whatever you're ACTUALLY dating an ACTUAL superhero. Yoov, gotta keep up. don't let the differences be what you dwell on, let them be what yoo keep trying to move past, close the gap don't widen it. Imagine the cool air tomorrow morning, filling your lungs, giving you goosebumps, imagine it now because it HAS to happen tomorrow. ONE RUN not telling you to embrace all of your free time all at once beore you have none left, not telling you its now or never, just telling you to please go, please, for me. I'm actually begging my inner athlete to take me for a run. What is the world coming to? I know right

PMP WEEK SIX CHALLENGE! 10/10-10/16 1. Dont forget to take at least one rest day between working out the same muscle group twice! 2. Between now and Sunday night, spend one day on each of the following assignments in any order: Upper Body Day Lower Body Day Core Day Total Body Work Day Rest Day Cardio Day Stretch Day 3. Please disregard if this goes against your program. 4. YES this week is TOUGH! YES when the going gets tough.....

Last night for dinner I made homemade eggdrop soup. It was warm, it was yumy and it had 4 eggs worth of protein. Not the healthiest or most colorful, but that was mah deener. This morning I woke up later than I wanted, so I ran the same 2.4 miles that I did yesterday, but finished a minute earlier and rewarded myself with a yumm breakfast. On the way to work, I curled up in the carpool with the new issue of SELF and found a fun new butt workout! I also found out that having a 4 tiny low calorie dessert days each week helps you stay on track, as opposed to having one weekly splurge. NOTED! I found a new CrossFit routine that I really want to try in my bedroom, as dirty as that sounds... although... *turns head looking at positions required* ...maybe heheheh Speaking of heheheh, I have been thinking a lot about taking another retreat to get out of the city and run around in nature. I've gotten pretty good at finding beautiful, natural, green places to play in Manhattan and Brooklyn, but no 'free' feelings like I can get outside of the walls of Metropolis. I really enjoyed seeing wildlife and breathing in mountain air and jumping around on trails and getting my toes wet in an actual rushing river. So Im looking around areas in the mainland states nearby my lil island, to see if I can make my way out there. Of course, if I could go anywhere, ANYWHERE, to spend a healthy weekend in solitude and peace and serenity, it would be Montauk. Maybe I could make that a reward for reaching some goal of mine. We'll see In the meantime, I love how stuff like this is totally acceptable on sparkpeople. It really warms my heart.  

"To begin, begin." -Peter Nivio Zarlenga "I think there is something, more important than believing: Action! The world is full of dreamers, there aren't enough who will move ahead and begin to take concrete steps to actualize their vision." -W.Clement Stone "For purposes of action nothing is more useful than narrowness of thought combined with energy of will." -Henri Frederic Amiel "Just do it." -Nike Speaking of Nike, I have adopted this sexy ambitious vixen of awesomeness as my new North Star in the battle of the mediocre. genzoman.deviantart.com/art/Nike-god dess-of-victory-120719773 The Goddess of Victory! Half Titan and sibling of Kratos! (word @ God of War fans). Her siblings (and half sibling) include Zeal, Strength, Force and Wisdom. Pretty badass family, right? She was Zeus' wing-woman. That's just... well I admire her. Here check this out, from goddessnike.com "As 'Victory' is a natural force existing in these realms, I do not require anyone to believe in me because it is self evident that I exist. This contrasts to Gods in monotheistic religions that require a doctrine of faith since God cannot, in these religions, be experienced or conceptualised. People worship 'Victory' because by doing so they show their appreciation of an important natural force that leads to Hope and not expectation. In relation to this, I am a winged Goddess because I give people the ability to soar and fly to their highest highs and reach the sky by achieving better consciousness and give hope to those in the lowest lows that they too may fly one day. Victory brings 'glorious strife and joyful shouts'. This is an important thing to bear in mind: the victor celebrates his success; and even the defeated party has glory because, by his act of participation, he validates the victor's superiority. This is where the phrase 'it is not the winning, it is the taking part that counts' comes from. " Clears throat. Dear Sparkpeople, PLEASE ALLOW ME TO BOLD/UNBOLD, THAT WOULD MAKE EMPHASIS FOR IMPORTANCE MUCH EASIER. THANKYOU! People worship 'Victory' because by doing so they show their appreciation of an important natural force that leads to Hope and not expectation. THink on that for a moment. Its actually quite profound. We get stuck in our heads so often, chained their by expectation. Burdened by real or imagined expectations. Its heavy, its infectious and it can immobilize us and keep us from acting. Thinking about exercising... la di da. Laying in bed planning what exercises Im going to do this morning... la di da. Remembering if my workout clothes are on the line drying or dirty... lad di da. Meditating on my goals... la di da. Envisioning myself skinny... la di OH CRAP IM LATE FOR WORK! Expecatations and overthinking... you just spent your workout time doing nothing but thinking. VICTORY does NOT motivate you to dwell on expectation and living up to standards. VICTORY motivates you toward HOPE. WHY? I love elling words! vic·to·ry   /ˈvɪktəri, ˈvɪktri/ noun, plural -ries. 1. a success or triumph over an enemy in battle or war. 2. an engagement ending in such triumph 3. the ultimate and decisive superiority in any battle or contest 4. a success or superior position achieved against *ANY* opponent, opposition, difficulty, etc. ex·pec·ta·tion   /ˌɛkspɛkˈte= 8;ʃən/ noun 1. the act or the state of expecting hope   /hoʊp/ noun, verb, hoped, hop·ing. 1. the feeling that what is wanted *can be had* or that events will turn out for the best Now, since we have the actual definitions in front of us, let's put them together again. Victory, over anything, including our own tendency to overthink or paralyse our body with the weight of what is ahead, inspires hope, not expectation. WHY THO Victory, does not require you to believe in it, because it will exist regardless of what you think, feel or EXPECT. Expectations sit on your shoulders as a symbol of the battle to come. Its there, neutrally, looming on the horizon. It doesnt mean its good or bad or evil or pure or possible or impossible.. its just there. We have come to see expectations, often, in a negative light. Oh there are all these expectations on me, I will never live up to them, wahhhhhhhhh (this is myself right here whining about this) STFU. Expectations are just what is on its way. Victory, however, comes after. It keeps you from dwelling on what is to come, but instead, allows you to revel in the happiness of success. It allows to be be in the here and the now, not wrapped up in the concern of the horizon. Throw confetti. Dance around the in-zone. Thank yo mama and jesus. Go to DisneyWorld. YOU ARE VICTORIOUS. not, ok... that's done... oh god... now I have to... NO NO NO stop that the only thing that Victory inspires you to see in the future, should be hope. WHY? Because Victory colors the future golden. With Victory under your belt, you: ~can see clearly now the rain is gone ~feel powerful and superhuman because you've smashed your limits ~put extra swing your hips in your finally-got-them-suckers-over-my-muffintop jeans ~believe you can take on bigger and more difficult challenges ~change your perception of your own strength ~smile brightly and contagiously ~have a better understanding of what hard work can bring to your future ~have hope that you can continue Ahhh Hope... 'the feeling that what is wanted *can be had* or that events will turn out for the best'. What a positive thing to believe in. HOPE WOULD NOT EXIST IF WE WERE MEANT TO NEVER WANT MORE THAN WHAT WE HAVE RIGHT NOW. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh busted. Wait... humans are supposed to WANT to achieve and improve and get better? Absolutely, whether you are an evolutionist or a creationist. 1. Evolution. Humans evolve to better the species for survival in future generations. Constantly adapting to their environments and needs as a group, to live long and prosper. (this is my summary, not a dictionary entry) 2. Creation. Man was created in God's image. God is one ambitious dude. S/He encourages his/her creation to strive for the betterment of all mankind. If you are created in his/her image, then you are one ambitious dude/ette who is striving toward betterment. (this is my summary, not a Bible entry) Ok Im getting off point, or I've made all my points and its time to wrap them up. In order to achieve Victory, and all the hope that it inspires, which we all NEED, we must take action. We must JUST DO IT. Turn off the thinking and turn on the action. Victory over your mental hurdles brings a wealth of happy feelings and glitter and sunshine. Victory over your own self-made blockade brings an abundance of determination, will-power and ability to press forward. Victory over your couch, your comfy warm bed, your ugly pouty temper tantrum, will bring an overflow of personal pride, a sense of accomplishment and HOPE HOPE HOPE. Victory over your tendency to doubt your abilities, will teach you that what you want... CAN BE YOURS. Defeating your own over-thinking will unlock the passage that leads from laying there imagining a run... to returning home victorious. TOday let's use the power of a win, to fuel the triumphant champion within. Champion... sounds good right? You don't have to be in an organized sporting event to be the champion of your own world, today. ....annnnnnd .......... Olympic dismount! GO GO GO ! The will to conquer is the first condition of victory. -Ferdinand Foch Private victories precede public victories. You can't invert that process any more than you can harvest a crop before you plant it. -Stephen R. Covey Victory belongs to the most persevering. - Napoleon Bonaparte Victory is sweetest when you've known defeat. -Malcolm S. Forbes The ultimate victory in competition is derived from the inner satisfaction of knowing that you have done your best and that you have gotten the most out of what you had to give. -Howard Cosell Victory becomes, to some degree, a state of mind. Knowing ourselves superior to the anxieties, troubles, and worries which obsess us, we are superior to them. -Basil King I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self. -Aristotle Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting. -Napoleon Hill Every great achievement is the victory of a flaming heart. -Ralph Waldo Emerson Accept the challenges, so you may feel the exhilaration of victory. -George S. Patton There is no victory at bargain basement prices. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Ok, look... we are going into our third week of this challenge, and its highliy possible that a lot of people that want to do this challenge, are still dragging their feet or scared to start for real, or reluctant to actually push themselves. So we have got to start THIS week, ok? If you jump in NOW, you still have ample time to make the difference you want to make, to start the cycle of changing for the better. Im not asking you to turn your life inside out, to cut out all your fun time and replace with with exercise, not by any means (puhlease do you know who you are talking to? I do drunk squats while holding a beer in a bar bathroom at 4 am). What I AM asking you to do is aim very high, very very high, so that if you cant reach where you are aiming, you will still land way further than if you set some mediocre goal. Is mediocre sexy? Is it fiery? Is it full of passion and life? Or is it tepid, lukewarm water... Its flacid! Here's how to not be limp this week... 1. Check your workouts from the last 2 weeks and find the one area of your body (upper/lower/core) that you worked on the LEAST or NOT AT ALL. This area needs to be in the forefront of your mind this week. This is the one that gets all the attention, all the pain and all the glory. Schedule 3 workouts for this area of your body between now and Sunday night. Complete all three. Tell yourself that you are going to complete all three. AND NOT HALF-ASSED! 2. Check your workouts from the last two weeks and find the one ares of your body that you have been concentrating on THE MOST. Try to work an abbreviated workout for that area in after each of your workouts in #1 above. ABBREVIATED, so you dont have to go back to square one. 3. ReDo ALL your one-minute tests for the body weight exercises that you did in week one OR choose two of the following to test how many reps/seconds you can do them until you reach muscle failure. pushups pullups plank crunches situps lunges squats ~~~ recap ~~~ 1. 3 workouts on the area of your body you have been spending the least amount of time on. 2. followed by an abbreviated workout on the area of your body that you have been spending the most time on. 3. test how many of each strength exercise you and can do in one minute, or test how many of two of the exercises you can do before reaching muscle failure. You have until Sunday night when you pass out. Make each other proud. Cheer each other on. Brag. Submit proof. Revel in the pain. Take days off between workouts. Use those rest days for cardio or flex training. You're an athlete, no matter how big or small that number is on the scale. You're an athlete, in training, and you have an obligation to do what is good for your body. Drink water. Eat smart and beautifully. Put in the sweaty painful effort and receive obvious results. Its simple math. TIme to jump in. TIme to do you proud. TIme to make it right.

Some people love trends. Jumping from one to the next like those Navi people on the leaves in Avatar. Some people prefer tried and true measures without changing. Some people go from hula hoop to trampoline to Zumba to retro roller skates to Mousercise while others run/lift/run/lift/run/lift/rep eat for 20 years. Regardless of what side of the fence you are on, why dont you dabble a bit on the other side? Need something to get you off the couch tonight? If all you do is run and lift and your routine never changes and you cannot, for the life of you, motivate yourself to stand up and workout... why dont you be a bit daring and try something completely new, super silly, ultra brave, sexy and sassy or just something that intimidates you or excites your enthusiasm. That's what motivation really is after all, isnt it? Its a solar flare in your enthusiasm. If you are always running from one trend to the next, exercising all the time by dabbling in everything, why dont you pick one especially challenging off-the-wall trend, and OWN THAT SUCKER. Stick to it every day, or as often as is healthy, and master it through the end of its duration. And THEN move on. See how much ONE trend can change you before jumping to the next. Pretend that commitment to it is part of its appeal. I know you all worked out hard this week and your muscles are sore, esp my lil pimps out there, but use that to build up your momentum. One good turn deserves another. If you've already solidly STARTED your week off right, THEN END THAT SUCKER RIGHT AS WELL. If you effed up the beginning of your week, THEN END THAT SUCKER WITH *PRIDE*. Its still the beginning of the month Its still the beginning of the day (in AMERICA) There is still time to make up for bad eating There is still time to make up for fudging workouts There is still time to take advantage of the summer weather to get out there There is still courage enough to jump into something new There is still determination enough to see things through to the end. You WANT to be sore. You WANT to feel the sweat dripping off your skin. You WANT to smell like someone is cooking Ramen in the kitchen downstairs. You WANT to have to wash your workout clothes. You WANT to feel the pain when you lift your arms to brush your teeth. You WANT to have blisters. You WANT to be exhausted. You WANT muscle failure. You WANT to collapse at the end and stretch out in the middle of your cool livingroom floor and do nothing for a little too long before you go take that desperately needed shower. Why do you want these things? CAUSE IT MEANS THAT YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE WALKING THE WALK and not just talking the talk. Its what all the cool kids are doing these days... Training. Not just exercising. Not just burnings cals. Just just having a workout. Not sweating for no reason. TRAINING. Training for your future Training to handle the worst Training to get the most out of the best Training to be able to do what you have to do Training to make your family strong Training to make your sense of self strong Training to make your body and mind powerful Training yourself to lean toward improvement Training yourself to always move forward Training yourself to conquer walls, to shove past obstacles, to laugh in the face of opposition Training yourself to Succeed.