#ventung

I don't want them to know how much I'm faking for them.

vent

We don't talk anymore and idk what to do and I'm scared and I just ????

Ugh

After talking with my older brother and sister I came to the conclusion that I am not, by any means ready for a marriage. Not too long ago I had posted something saying something along the lines of what I want for my future. Something like, a family, good house yadda, yadda, yadda. None of that blog post changed, except my critique on its structure and purpose, so don’t think that I’m now against any of it, but I now have a better understanding of what it takes to get there. Tonight’s topic was something of an eye opener for me. A chat that knocked me down a few levels and helped me gain a few steps afterwards in the right direction. I have been something of a guru for relationships since what feels like forever. Yet, tonight I felt as though I was a life long soccer player holding a basketball on a golf course. Nothing made sense to me, it was, a game changer. No matter what, in spite of everything I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of loving someone so much to where they are, essentially, one with you. If you dislike something that she feels is necessary you can’t back away, call it quits, escape out the back door, call in sick, none of that. You have to respect her as if she was the very embodiment of the thing you dislike. If she wants something, you have to come to a compromise, grind your teeth, pipe down and deal with it. It’s one thing for couples, boyfriend and girlfriend, but as a married couple, you have to bite the bullet. The circular metal piece around your finger means more than just loving them to the fullest, more than loving every breath of air that passes their lips that you kiss. It means building bridges over burnt memories. It means smiling with a knife in your back. It means going to bed with a women whom you’ve given all your time, respect, love to. It’s more than what I thought. It means that you make decisions but never alone. “What’s hers is yours, and as cliché as it sounds, what’s yours is hers,” my brother had told me. I had heard it before but never stopped to actually think about it. Family, responsibilities, knowledge, secrets, fears, beliefs, all of that welded together into silver fit around two fingers. I admitted tonight that I was not ready, I have never been ready. Not once have I felt so committed to a person to let myself be freed in the sense of giving my all. I have, before, pushed my limit, patience and said I had given my all but truth be told to have a whole heart it needs more than just an outgoing flow. It needs to receive just as much force coming in. I had said that in every relationship, dating and exclusive dating I have been 180 percent to 20 percent. I know usual response to that, “that’s not how it should be,” my brother said with little surprise to repeating this line. “You need to find someone whom you can look past the faults with.” At this I thought that I have never been able to do this. I get stopped by lack of interest, lack of respect, lack of communication, lack of lack of lack of lack. I can’t look past nearly anything. I told them not only am I stubborn, I’m insanely critical, focused on morality and hospitality. I have never been able to look past certain characteristics because the people I've met have either not given me the chance to or have nothing more to see. In this I saw that I am not ready in a lot of ways and that I have some growing up to do, even still. I had thought about my flaws in this and I am far, far from perfect. Despite my self loathing outburst of comedic deflections, I am far from the superhero that I make myself out to be. I will say, undoubtably, I will one day be super to the right person. They will be my strength where I am weak and I shall be the hero to their story. Of course, not tonight though. Tonight is just like any other night. Laptop open, homework to do, games to play and thoughts to sleep with. I'm still going to date, I'm still going to do as I always do. I'm not running anywhere because there's no rush. My "soulmate" (if you will) is right where she needs to be, living her life until our paths meet, meet again or finally merge together. At which point I will share my black heart, start the hell fires and raise the demons, followed by the most nervous and happy proposal, "will you marry me?" This, followed by the only "yes" I'll need to year for the rest of my life I'll have dropped the pitch fork, taken up and been saved from my life by the last women whose lips I'll ever want to whisper upon. I may not know a lot at the moment and as much as I can be told not, a lot more is on its way. Tonight was just another insider of what's to come. Buuuut enough sappy love crap. That's tonight's rant, thank you Vegas and gooooooooooooood gaming! Mwahaha. Off to confirm some kills.

I HATE FUCKING LIARS ! && YES OMISSIONS ARE LIES WHEN PERTINENT INFORMATION IS LEFT OUT OF AN EXPLANATION . IF YU DON'T FUCK WIT ME , TELL ME . IF YU THINK IM TOO MUCH TO HANDLE , TELL ME . IF YU DON'T WANNA FUCK WIT ME NO MORE ,FUCKIN TELL ME && GIVE ME THE ACTUAL FACTUAL REAL FUCKIN REASON WHY , NOT SOME BULLSHIT EXCUSE THAT YU THINK WON'T HURT MY FEELINGS OR WHATEVER BECAUSE FINDING OUT / KNOWING THE TRUTH THE WHOLE TIME WHILE YOU'RE LYING / YOU'VE LIED TO ME IS JUST GOING TO PISS ME OFF MORE . IM ALREADY ABOUT TO BLOW WITH ALL THE SHIT I DEAL WIT DAILY SO WHAT'S ONE MORE FUSE TO A FUCKING BOMB ?!??!