#ventpost-

I hate the sensory meltdowns, I hate not being able to go to new places because disrupting my routine is so fuckin distressing, I hate how it makes people treat me, I hate the episodes of being unable to communicate, I hate how exhausting it is for me, I hate how inconvenient ot is for my loved ones, I hate having to prove i am disabled just because I can mask most of the day, I hate not being like my peers even when they are peers in a minority like being also queer, I hate my mom not believing me because my autism is different than my brother's despite diagnosis, and I hate constantly struggling to get through my day. I can't even eat in peace because if I chew my food a little too much I can't eat the rest of the day without throwing up and clawing at my skin.

I loathe having to learn coping skills just to function in a society that wants me dead. Hell, I want me dead. I will never be able to properly be a part of society because this shit is crippling.

My girlfriend could never seem to support me when I needed it. I don't me that in the mental illness way. I mean like I miscarried and she proceeded to age regress for 2 weeks straight from the minute she got home to the minute she left for work.

My mental health has been tanking for various reasons and she's mad at me for it and telling me to be grateful that she "even bothers putting a roof over my head."

I have been dragging her through this relationship for 2 years and now that I cant anymore she says im not trying. That im not doing enough. That everything I've done hasn't been good enough. I helped her escape her abusive parents, I got her into therapy, I bathed her when she couldnt bathe herself, I memorized her favorite foods ot get her to eat, I engage in her hobbies with her, i helped her transition, and all i ever asked was to get the same energy in return if she was able to. And she didn't. And now she's talking about breaking up with me. This is fucking bullshit.

I need to see my organs on the linoleum I need to see my organs on the linoleum

please somebody make it stop I need all the blood in my body find somewhere else to live I am scared of the world and and the stuff going on and I am on the verge of homelessness I am no of use to anybody alive but at least I will conserve water if i am dead

humans are a fucking parasitic cancer at this point which is so sad when we have so much goodness and love to give but it is all squashed at the end of the day by the immortal greedy capitalists so I fucking give up I am not real so there is no point I need my nervous system to stop hurting I want to stop hurting I need to rot I need to sleep pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease pleasepleasepleaseplease

please make it stop

Dec 25, 2023

Do not hand me a pomegranate.

I am a starving man molded by greedy hands. I can not eat with delicacy, and I hope you have poisoned the fruit, so you are not the only one left to suffer once this dance of teeth and flesh is over.

I can not be gentle as the desperate gnawing hunger rots my organs and soul. I will dig into your tenderness, salivating and sobbing, grateful and sorrowful, because you will be torn apart and gone, and I will still be hungry with seeds stuck between my teeth and burrowing under my bleeding gums, with the flesh under my nails, with juice dripping down my face. My devouring will be selfish and sacrificial.

And I will recognize my stained hands, for it is the color of the hands that had ripped me open. I will break as I gaze upon the rot bubbling under my skin. The water won't wash the rot and the stains away.