#ventingtotumblr

I've been clean off of heroin and crack for a week now... yeah go ahead.. let's hear it.. " only a week? that's nothing" well this is the longest I've been sober since I got arrested and I dont know how to handle this. I want to get drugs so fucking bad b.c I just wanna feel numb, just completely zone everyone out. But I know I need to stay clean... my one and only reason on keeping myself clean... is because I'm slowly watching myself kill my boyfriend... who would have NEVER touched any of these nasty drugs if it wasn't for me.. I blame myself everyydayyy. no matter what he says it is my fault and I do not deny it. I take full responsibility. I can't watch him loose anymore weight, I'm doing this for him.. myself also but mostly him. my life isn't worth saving.. but he has so much potential. together we will beat this, only together.

i have the most complex relationship with my best friend.. like shes my ex, first girlfriend, my first love, my first time with a girl(best sex award), my first makeout, etc..but also my best friend of 4 years..and the ‘benifits’ started again out of the blue after a year gap...and here i am, trying to enjoy the best sex ever with my lovebug and not catch the feelings that messed it up the first time and the shit is hard, i really love this girl and we have the best sex... but i dont wanna be fstow afterwards..ya know? but im not gonna stop having sex with her..its too good..so ima need to figure it tf out.

Don't tell me how to live my life. Don't tell me who I should go to prom with because you want me to go with said individual. Don't tell me what college I should go to. Don't tell me how I should do my hair. Don't tell me how I should approach a situation I have control over. Don't tell me I haven't been stereotyped. Don't tell me you didn't do something major behind my back that's going to hurt me when you did. Don't tell me I'm special to you when I know I'm one of 20 girls you think you can have. Don't tell me it didn't hurt me that much because it hurt a lot. Don't tell me we're best friends when you make no attempt to show it. Don't tell me I'm tainted because of my past. Don't tell me it's okay to be unfaithful. Don't tell me you value our friendship when you can't even approach me. Don't tell me you don't like someone just because I don't like them because that's fake. Don't tell me I'm racist when I'm clearly not. Don't tell me I haven't been the victim of favoritism many times in my life because it's beyond evident. Don't tell me I'm not innocent because I've succumbed to peer pressure. Don't tell me I should be embarrassed of my job because it's great. Don't tell me I'm not smart because my rank is below your rank and I don't test as well as you. Wow I feel great now.

Be an asshole and imma give you a taste of your own fucking medicine you piece of shit just fucking wait til monday bitch.

Lol I love how my doctor doesn't give me a gym note when I'm dying of pain and limping while I run woop woop and I love when my gym teacher yells at me to stop limping I'm like "lol you have no idea" man it's always fun sitting in my room freaking out cuz I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me and I have to get x-rays and blood work and I can't drink orange juice WOW I'm loving it lol not I use sarcasm to hide how scared I really am omg I'm dying well yeah