#ventingsession

Ahh. I had finally found my beloved tumbler.

whew. I am now 36 and life has been life-ing since 2018.

I’ll start off with when I turned 30 in 2014 i vowed to follow my heart and instinct. For to long i was manipulated by others and of course unhappy because we cannot live life with expectations of others weighing on us. I also vowed after my god-child’s death in 2015 I would live life to have all the experiences because her passing taught me tomorrow isn’t promise. since in my 20’s i always waited to be free i had so many dreams that i just got accustomed to putting off for some time in the future. Well the time never came because I never took it. I also realized some people in the brokenness manipulate you but i learned to sit back and see that they were blocking me but fulfilling all their dreams and goals.

I moved back to Houston and was just enjoying life on my terms, and a series of unfortunate events pulled me back into living in San Antonio yet again. <Looking back i cannot believe i stayed here because I felt it in my soul it was never my place to flourish. >

My mother had a stroke in 2018, and i agreed to come and stay a year to help out. It was no problem, I am a Sagittarius and we love helping people we love. Then at the end of 2019 she found out she had breast cancer. I was gearing up to leave but said ok I’ll stay again as support. Her treatment are still happening in 2021. After there conclusion, I will be bringing up an exit plan. San Antonio has been fruitful for her, but we are different people at different points in life.

I just feel like life is passing me right by in real time and I am back to the exact feelings I had in my 20’s being on every one else’s agenda but my own.

When I try to convey you just need a little something to myself, things are blown so out of proportion i am mentally and emotionally exhausted for days.

But everyday my heart screams because I made a promise to myself. I won’t feel guilty for still fighting thru and having goals for myself. And being 40 in San Antonio is not one of them.

*deep sigh*

I have needed to purge.

In 2020 a pandemic started and our way of life has changed. Covid 19 is airborn virus that has killed so many. We are wearing mask and told to staywith people in our households, and when in public mantain 6feet. Due to this going out and visiting friends is almost nonexistent.

So many of my coping mechanisms aren’t available and i have all this time to just be in my mind. I fight everyday to remain positive and trust that I will get back to my own accord. Some days are easier/better than others but I fight for my peace❤️

This is just a reminder to NEVER put off your heart’s desire. There is no time like the present to enjoy that new perfume you are saving, stopping by that restaurant you drove by taking a new route home, trying a new love/lover on for size,buy that soap in the scent you heard amazing reviews, whatever!

Anxiety for me comes and goes when it wants. Living rent free in my head. I've noticed over time when things aren't in my control thats when it hits me harder. How my anxiety works is that when I become stressed out over a little thing I can't control, the anxiety swoops in and starts slamming my head with ideas to why I should worry. Recently I've found out my boyfriend has been lying to me for a year about something that causes me a lot of anxiety. I used to ask him all the time about this one thing and he would always say no don't worry its just your anxiety. Found out it wasn't. I already had trust issues and now I have zero trust in the guy i’m supposed to marry. He had proposed but after that incident I gave it back. 

He wants to go back to his old job, and I supported him. He told me he has options to where they're going to put him. First option is working 15 minutes away and with a girl I can't trust. BUT he would be able to move up in his career faster in that position. Second option is working 5 minutes from me and he works with his friends. Of course I told him I wanted option 2 because i can't trust him because what he did. He starts yelling at me saying im making it about myself. Blaming my insecurities. 

For someone with anxiety you never get mad at them for being insecure, I have every right to be insecure. Instead of yelling he could of parked the car pulled me into a hug and just reassured me. After everything he's put me through he still doesn't know how to reassure me. I deserve the effort. 

When I get anxiety all my senses are heightened and I get angry, emotional and unstable. Everything feels like it the end of the world, him not choosing the option that I need is another thing that is sending me into an anxious mess. 

He takes my anxiety and thinks im controlling him because I say things like “I don't want you working there because theres that girl working there” Me and him both know I would never stop him from doing what he needs to do for himself to be happy. Me saying things like that is a cry for help. “Help im extremely anxious and need to be reassured that nothing bad will happen” “Help my anxiety and control issues is eating my mental health up” I want to control everything so he can never hurt me again. If he can lie to my face for a year; what else is he capable for.... 

I don't have control of what he talks about with his friends at work, or what he does. He is a free man to do whatever he wants but how do I prevent my heart from being shattered again without controlling his every move? I could never control a man from working, seeing friends or anything at that matter And im terrified my boyfriend has hurt me so much that im Turning into that kind of person. He doesn't do his part in reassuring when im anxious, why should I do my part.