#ventillation

So, hello, I don’t know how I expect this to go because the last time I tried “Blogging” was when I was like, 8, and I’m pretty sure I completely missed the point when I did it then.   

Anyways, I had a discussion with a friend which I won’t talk much about because it was personal so that’d be rude, but it spurred the whim to ventilate my depression to the nobody, because like, blogging is like a diary but impersonal. I can talk to people I guess, maybe I can even talk to nobody, I can’t talk to myself that easy.   Fuck I had it all put together in the shower, that’s just how it is though huh?  But suffice to say I made this blog to put my problems down on figurative paper, maybe I can get help and not literally die of sadness. Maybe I’ll post to this more, maybe I won’t.   The point is I’m doing this because my mind won’t let me do a diary. 

But, you ask me in response, what are your problems that you’re so fucking sad about? Well, I guess I can try to outline 

I don't know what's wrong with myself on a deep level, I just know that most people don't like me and I don't know how to change my behavior, or if it can be changed, like, I'm not going to do anything suicide-tier bad but fucking up all the time makes me think about how everyone might be better off if I never existed.

I feel like I fucked up again somehow in so many social situations, like you would not believe, and I guess I'm always open for tips as long as they're like, helpful... It’s easy to see in retrospect, but at the time I don’t see it coming . Like, fucking hell some of the time I'm a loner just to spare people from myself, like they might be better off never knowing me than having me try to be nice and fuck it up.

It feels like everyone I speak with is just... so... fucking defeatist, you know what that means?  expectation or acceptance of failure  in so many things. Talk about how I’m having a hard time coping with working hard 40 hours a week? hurdur that’s life get used to it. I fucking hate that so much, if I had that attitude myself I’d have killed myself long ago, if I believed that this was all there was? No, it can get better? I have to be able to make it better? Right? Perseverance? People just have to fucking try, people just have to stop thinking like that, so many people, people better than me with such... shitty outlooks! what the fuck, they have all this and they’re willing to accept things as they are? Bullshit!  One of my favorite quotes is flavor text from a shotgun in a video game and I think about it every day, “Challenge every reality, there is always another way”.  This outlook is part of how I live with myself, just holding onto the notion that somehow, some way I can do something to make my vision of a life for myself that I don’t quietly despise for my own failings real. I feel like I’m constantly calling out for help and the humans I talk too just give a resounding, depressing, unhelpful, “That’s life ;D!” FUCK YOU

Moving on to some more concrete issues; I’m just scared and confused about a lot of things, so many things that I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to start, have you ever had a time where you need to do about a dozen things so you just don’t do any of them? And then the things you didn’t do get worse? That’s every day, I’m still young, I should be in college already, I’m not though, planning on it, telling people I’m working on it when I ask, but there’s obstacle stuff. why is it so complicated, why, like, you can’t just walk in there and start taking classes, and it’s expensive because I don’t know Americans don’t like paying for taxes? 

Amending to the list of things I don’t know what to do anything about: I still live at home, and I just... can’t make enough money to leave and support myself, and it makes me feel bad. The only job I managed to secure after looking for a literal year was a six month position at minimum wage, I’m gonna get laid off in the coming weeks.  40 hours a week stunted so I don’t get benefits, because of course every employer will do that. How the fuck is anyone supposed to live in this economic climate? It’s not just me being bad at budgeting.  

I don’t have.... anyone I hang out with regularly? To say I don’t have friends isn’t true, I know a couple people who mean the world to me, and I still have a few family members who care, but for example. Getting some art that I'm happy with makes me feel a little good and the same when somebody is like yeah that's neat, like they don't even have to give much of a fuck. It might just be me being... I don't know if broken is the right word but I always have a nagging impression that people are doing their absolute best to avoid paying attention to me like. I don't want to be the kind of person who is always clearly angling for attention but I just don't want to be left so alone I almost always feel alone, it’s just such a hard feeling for me to shake that it hurts.   Like, I’ll try to integrate into a group of people, online, real, it doesn’t matter, I just feel like I get edged out over time because I’m doing something awful that I can’t even detect because I’m so fucking inept.

Self hatred I guess, but targeted at the problems I have that are my own damn fault, or the fault of things I can’t control, it’s all the same isn’t it?