#ventblogging

So Jasper was a character that I really related to. I won’t go into why too much, but basically I saw myself in her circumstances and the way she viewed herself.

I was really, really hoping she’d get a full arc. We basically saw her go from “troubled but in good shape” in her first appearances to “trapped in an abusive relationship” in Malachite, to “alone and wishing she was being abused again because it made her feel something approaching complete” in the post-Malachite arc to “corrupted and in a bubble” by Beta. She languished there until the end of the first series, which I was really hoping was gonna be her nadir. I was really hoping she’d get more of an arc in Future.

What we got was her living in destroyed woods, using really unhealthy coping mechanisms. The next time she showed up, she’s shattered, revived, and for maybe a couple of minutes she feels like she’s back where she’s supposed to be, serving the Diamond she was meant to serve. Then she gets told to do something better with her life and is immediately abandoned. That is probably her lowest point.

And we never really get to see her recover from that. The next and last time we see her, she is admittedly hanging around in Little Homeworld, which kind of implies that she’s trying to move forward and make -some- progress. But she’s still calling Steven “My Diamond” and she’s probably still feeling the weight of all that trauma.

And that’s just... where we leave her. The best we get is an implication. She’s still feeling purposeless and lost without the social order for which she was built. Everyone else, from Peridot to White Diamond, gets some kind of an arc where we see that they’re doing better. But Jasper is the only one aside from like, Aquamarine, who doesn’t really get to grow.

In case it isn’t obvious, I’m projecting myself onto Jasper, here. I was hoping that if Jasper got to be okay, I might get to be okay too.

I realize that’s stupid and I’m not a TV show. But seeing someone who reminds you of you get to be okay is kinda emotionally powerful, you know?

Oh well, there’s this one character in My Hero Academia who might scratch that itch for me -

Me: im such a fake i must be a transtrender im doing it just bc i think its FUN and NEW and makes me SPECIAL because i just have to be ‘something’ and seek attention i dont even have dysphoria im just some tumblr snowflake

Also me: i will sooner die than tell you my pronouns unprompted, i get anxiety whenever the word pronoun is even mentioned in public, couldnt even bring myself to wear a pronoun pin at a lgbt friendly event out of fear itd ruin my career chances, ive had gender identity issues since preschool, had violent reactions to misgendering as a child even though i didn’t understand why, have chest “””discomfort”””, CONSTANTLY wanted to be included with the boys, felt deeply uncomfortable in locker rooms, had a long period where i couldnt look at myself in a mirror and want to shrivel up and die anytime someone calls me a woman