#vent-ures

The memories people hold onto.

The love I shared.

And I often think about what happens when me and another split apart.

Many express wanting their other to remember them.

To never forget them.

To treasure the memories.

To attempt to remember them for who they were, not what they became.

To recall the good they brought to them.

I.. cannot agree with such a sentiment.

Experiencing the agony of loss as many times as I have,

Id rather those I love forget me then harbor the pain of memory.

Id rather I be replaced, I'd rather they move on, I'd rather they forget.

Because how can you ask someone something so painful?

How could I request or demand another person to burn my imprint over their heart, to dig a hole they could never fill.

I don't ever want to do that to another person.

Im okay with carrying the memory, because now it doesn't hurt them.

I will hold onto the good and the bad and love it unconditionally even if I know they've long since moved past me.

I don't want them to be held back and hurting.

I don't want them to remember me and ache.

Id rather they never have to think back to me.

I don't want those I love to hurt.

Even if they hurt me, especially if I hurt them.

I want them to live outside of me, now that I'm not with them anymore.

I think about it more than how it hurts to remember them.

When I think of them I wonder if they're thinking of me.

I wonder if they're hurting.

I wonder if I'm hurting them.

I wish I wasn't.

And I'm sorry.

For hurting you.

I wish I could say I'm sorry for being in your life but that's presumptuous of me.

I don't want to assume what you want or what you feel.

But if I had it my way;

You wouldn't remember me,

I'd hold all memories of me and you.

So you could go free,

I just want to dream- I'm tired of being awake- the expectations, the noise, the people, the desires- I don't want to do it anymore but what choice do I have?

Theres never room for me- what's the use in considering a support that you'll never see again? And even then- why waste your time when you could be aiding yourself instead? I use my own building blocks to build better lives for those I love while I'm left suffocating-

is it so much to ask for someone to be more gentle? Is it so much to ask for my own bubble? Is it to much to ask to be left alone? Is it to much to ask for alone time with those I love?

I find it difficult to find meaning in living life the way society has set it out before me.

Asking meaningless questions like what I want to be when I grow up, what jobs I hold interest in, and providing me with hollow options to select. 

I feel apathetic to the idea of desiring such outputs. I do not wish to pursue endeavers that do not serve myself or others in a manner that fulfills those around. I’m willing, of course, to serve. It’s the only way we’ll get anywhere within the confines of the world we’ve built. But if not creative, then why do it at all? 

Everything I’ve ever known as a job offer is fleeting. The dollar store on the corner will close. The phone company will shut down. Even the creative pursuits I admire will cease to appear and be prevalent. 

Humanity has always been artistic. It’s why it's the only thing I find meaning within. We’ve always drawn, labeled, constructed. No matter how much time goes we have always found ourselves back in the same space of curiosity and style. Our own imprint. 

So when presented with something as bleak as office paperwork I fail to find joy or a reason to be excited. This doesn’t do anything more than cement us in place. In a moment of time that holds no value to me. Not like any before held my interest in mass amounts. 

Decay. Death. Live. Birth. 

All of which has always been facets of my interest. Concepts of what is ever changing and what are the blocks of our universe. 

I don’t want to live the way I do because it isn’t nearly as interesting as a fever dream. The unrestrained creativity and meaning that is make-believe that you cannot output into the waking world.

During the day, I am in pain. I’m tired. Thusted upon me are expectations of performing a greater image than what I am capable of outputting. I don’t have interest in continuing the ever monotonous drone that is the human requirements. 

Eat balanced foods continuously throughout the day, sleep certain hours at certain times, drink plenty of clean water, regulate your bodies temperature, maintain your bodies hygenic needs to ensure it doesn’t rot and decay at the improper times. 

I tire of having to do anything more than connect with humanity and their ever colorful views of the world that we live around. 

I want to be a part of a group, a whole. To be a part of love. However one may define it. 

Hope for a tomorrow, love of one another, mutual trust in our bonds, I want for more than I feel I may ever receive and it is daunting to continue in hopes of discovering what may never be mine to be beholden to. 

Suppose this is why I am drawn to cosmic bliss as a concept. 

To be known, loved, to become a part of a whole, to feed something greater than I.. to not have to worry about whether or not something loves me because it couldn’t ever, and even if it did, I don’t have to fear it hurting me nor it. I don’t have to fear trusting it as it won’t matter whether I do or don’t. It typically gets its way regardless of intent, which I don’t feel I mind.