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The main theme/cycle of the game, thinking that you are as bad as those who abused you, is likely familiar to those who have suffered parental abuse. Just when you think you’re going up in your recovery, something happens that makes you crash down. The game is me in that crash.

It’s not meant to be the truth, but to capture my feelings within the crash.  They are things I thought were the truth once, before my recovery really got started 10 years ago.  But now, I can distinguish between who I am as a person, and the lies my fucked-up brain comes up with.

Childhood abuse literally changes your brain chemistry. It ruined me, and it was up to me to clean the inner mess. There was a layer around my true self, one formed by the things I’d experienced. It felt impossible to distinguish from who I was within all of that.

Like I said, I’ve been in recovery for 10 years, since 2015.  Recovery is a process that never ends; it’s continuous.  Some people may find that dour or unfortunate.  For me, it just is what it is.  I can always be stronger, be a better man.  So I will do this to be my best self.

What caused the creation of But You Are was the loss of a friendship. I thought they left b/c of some things people said about me, though I don’t know what those things are. That made me spiral, and in those moments, I question why I got this far just for these things to happen.

When I don’t know who to blame, I blame myself, so I thought something within me must be wrong.  Now, of course, I know that my former friend’s reasons are their own, and I will never know for sure why our friendship ended.  That I am doing my best, and all I can do is move forward.

I am not who my parents were to me.  I know I TRULY am not them.  But sometimes, in my worst moments, I believe I am the same kind of awful.  In my best moments, I never think such a thing.

-- fin

P.S. I do want to make a note that the game is referring to my parents as they were during my childhood.  My dad has actually made a big change; he apologized to me for his part in the abuse, and we talked about it a lot in therapy.  I have a great relationship with him now.