#vent 2

Do you ever pause and realize that you could die alone and be utterly and impossibly alone for the rest of your life?

I’ve never had a boyfriend, only have ever done a few kisses here and there. Never held someone’s hand, never been held, never got to have these cute little moments that I love to write about.

I crave it. I crave love so much that it’s all I ever think about. It makes me sick. Thinking about it, it makes me feel like there’s bugs under my skin.

I live in Alabama. Deep South. The people around me have this mindset of: graduate, boyfriend, college degree, husband, babies, retirement if possible.

But for the life of me, I cannot find someone that matches me— and if I do, they aren’t attracted to me or vice versa.

I see these people that are so in love, are so comfortable with each other and in their own skin and all I can do is sigh.

I want to be loved sooo bad. I guess that’s why I get so giddy and excited when people like the shit I write— even if it is bad. It’s validation that someone out there likes the words I put on a virtual page.

I think that maybe it’s the people around me— I’m born and raised in Alabama, I love to fish and hunt. I love mud riding and rodeos. I love working with horses and cattle. But I don’t get love back from that.

I love my friends, but I don’t think that they truly love me. Not really. I’m just that friend that’s always down for whatever, anytime of the night or day— I’ll drop everything to come hang out.

And maybe I need therapy.

If I was rich, I’d pay for someone to love me. Pay them so much they’d make it so real I’d think it was real. Get lost in that domestic life— the husband comes home from work, I get to pamper him then go out fishing. We come back, cook together, he goes to sit in the big recliner and relax and I’ll do the dishes while asking about his day. We’d watch a movie with the dog beside us, then go to bed and do it all again.

Oh I’d sell my left kidney and lung for that.

This one’s called Vent 2. I had the lineart there but I never actually finished it due to homework. I think I wasn’t feeling so well when I drew it. Maybe depression? 

Back with the classics, my genius partner has decided to start going outside to sleep as a protest of the sound from the tv

He also gets mad at me for wanting to lock the door so I can feel safe in my neighborhood with increasing crime rates because then im locking him outside

Keep in mind, nobody makes him go outside, i turn it down when he asks (even though I have hearing issues and if I want to take my glasses off to sleep I need it loud enough to hear), its even try to pick specific shows that won't bother him even if it means I cant watch my comfort shows

Now you may he thinking 'well you share a house, maybe you should be more respectful' but you are incorrect

I live in a shed that was designed for a single person to just barely survive in while completed uni (me that person is me) and he moved in unexpectedly at the start of the year quoting he'd only be here until he found a new place

I have done everything possible to make things comfortable for him yet i think he's forgotten he is living in my house and never even bothered to have the conversation of "hey can I live with you long term?" Let alone the "should we live together" talk (we have been dating 5+yrs but im very specific about how I live-- actually! Break ()

If i get called OCD one more fucking time for wanting to live in the specially crafted ways I figured out so that I stood a chance at existing like a normal human I am going to throw a fucking chair through a fucking window

All good bro- just disrupt my environment, routine, and ability to operate and then mock me by telling me it sounds OCD to not want to do dishes if they weren't stacked on the fucking bench cause idk maybe I hate dishes and dont like extra steps and if its neat and the sink is empty when I go to do dishes then im not going to resent and put it off until its a problem

Uggggghhhhhhh

I get that im specific about some things but fuckssake bro if I was OCD there is no way in hell I could have survived almost a year in the type of environment this has descended into (madness, chaos, and things are different everytime I wake up to how I went to sleep)

Oh and back to the original topic in case anyone (all 0 people who will read this) is wondering if have fucked up nightmares when I sleep and if i have the TV going it increases the chance of me having a harmless TV orientated dream and gives my subconscious like an anchor to the real world when things start to get too fucked up in my nightmares. And yes. They are incredibly fucked up. I would not wish them on my worse enemy fucked up. When I figured out I could use the TV as like a lifeline to escape them I started sleeping with the TV on Every. Single. Night. That was almost a decade ago.

The TV gets turned off now when I fall asleep 🙃

I haven't felt well rested in months. Also the carry over effect of the nightmares has made me feel constantly hunted/in-danger/scared-of-leaving-the-house which has not been having a great effect on my interactions with people and trying to survive in modern society

Anyway, im just waffling now, which yes, is the point of this public journal esque stream of consciousness scream into the void type blog thing I got going on her but whatever im struggling to stay associated with my human form so im outski

Yeah sure, the thing I've vented about before that still leaves me shaking 10 years on, that's the life I want back

Safe to say, there's a reason that last relationship didn't work out