2/26/17
I’ve been really missing you lately. I’m not really sure what triggered it or whatever, but I’ve been missing you more than I usually do. I miss my best friend.
I really want to text you or something, but I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have and I don’t want to be a burden in the life you’re making for yourself without me in it.
I hope you’re doing well, though. I hope you’re happy and I hope you’re healing and feeling better at least most days. I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t handle October well. Looking back, I’m sure both of us could have handled it better, as is the case with most situations (or maybe that’s just me trying to protect my ego). I just didn’t know what to do. I was scared of losing you, but scared of alienating my boyfriend and scared of only giving you part of my life when I wanted you to see all of it. If the situation had arisen today, I’d like to think that I’d make the accommodations necessary to keep you safe because having you in a fraction of my life is better than not having you in my life at all.
I know it’s a cowardly thing to write to you like this, but I’m not known for my bravery (not that that excuses anything) and it’s safer than contacting you directly. I don’t want to hurt you again. I love you and care about you very much, regardless of how many months (or years) pass without receiving a meme from you.
I wanted to say, also, that I’m sorry for pulling the “if the circumstances were reversed, I would show my life for you by doing blah blah blah” thing because that, among other things, was really manipulative of me (I know I can be a really manipulative person and that instance got the best of me and I realize that now) and I realize now that we all show love in different ways and protect ourselves in different ways and for me to compare the way I love and the way I protect myself and the way you love and the way you protect yourself was wrong.
I think about the friend-fiction I wrote you that one time and I get sad because I wish I could write you friend-fiction all the time because you’re an amazing person and deserve the best, purest friendship (and everything else, too) out there.
I understand if you protect yourself by not checking any of your tags, so I get it if you never see this. I also understand if you do see it and stay silent because you need space and time to heal or I’ve just fucked up too many times to still have a place in your life. Whatever the reason, it’s okay. There’s no pressure coming from me to do anything or say anything. Your feelings about me and what happened and this very cowardly letter and completely valid.
Ultimately, I want the best for you, especially if that means I’m not a part of your life anymore. I will always think of you with fondness and I will always care deeply about you. You’ve always been there for me, even when I didn’t know it, and you’ve cared about me more than almost anyone else. You deserve best and kindest relationships possible and I’m sorry I didn’t fulfill that.
tl;dr: I love you and care about you and I’m sorry.
