#velvetimecapsule

The problem is when I have feelings for someone it controls my life until I'm over them and I've never been in a successful relationship so that's all I know. Choose to be at the mercy of my own emotions and attachment to someone or just not feel romantic love for another year (like 6 yrs now)

Im a patient person but even I get bored waiting

Starting to get irritated at waiting for someone to love me that I don't feel like I'm settling for.

and that (i wont care while its happening but;) I'll look back on it, and as always, realize my time wound up flying by and it was wasted while I made no progress in my current goals bc of how caught up I was on them

I don't want that to happen again but I really don't know how to get anything done when I have a crush. Maybe I should start confessing my feelings early so I stop wondering an fantasizing and I'm more in touch w how ppl feel abt me and stay in touch with reality. But that makes things awkward and then they might feel forced. And I don't want her to feel forced.

I don't think she'll like me. But then again, I think that abt everyone I've had a crush on. And like 2/3 of the time they liked me back later... but there's the tandem problem of how everyone and every crush I've had, the main thing I see is all the ways were not compatible. And even if we *could* work, I still see it falling apart. So it's like, will I ever find someone who I work well with? Or is it because I've never actually dated someone so I'm being unrealistic about how much problems or how much incompatibility is *too* much?? :/

And I know why I do this, it because my parents fought constantly, my dad was a bad father, abusive, and my mom always told me "never marry someone like your father". She had told me that since I was about 5 or 6 years old, but still thought he was irreplaceable and was still a good enough dad who just "had problems".

Well, now he's dead, so I don't have to worry about him anymore, but the shadow of the Abusive Man is still in my head as the prime example of who I don't want to wind up with, and the thing I fear every guy I consider being with will morph into someday.

And that traumatized little girl part of me never wants to meet a man like that again, and my current self doesn't want to be retraumatized by the experience of the person you rely on and want love from while also being the source of fear and anger and feeling totally unimportant every day. It's way deeper than just that description, but words can't really explain it.

There's a real misery in that feeling where you know someone is supposed to love you and they just give you nothing and don't care. Because you know they know it too, they know they're supposed to be taking care of you, but almost out of spite, they ignore you and brutalize you emotionally.

To sum it up, even though this fear came from my father and is mostly about men, I still have this issue of picking out all the reasons I wouldn't fit with any women I'm crushing on too. So it's like, do I ever get to just have a peaceful crush or at least one where I have faith it'll end well instead of being doomed?

Dont even get me STARTED on if I'm friends with the person I'm crushing on. Which is similar to how it's looking currently,,,..... but at least the feelings seem to be staying the way they are, if not at least moving really slowly.

Idek know if I want to have a crush again, but I do miss it even thought I Usually hate it at the same time and usually think it won't work out.

Hi, I'm red rabbit, I'm 23, I'm queer, this is my vent blog.

If you know me from somewhere else, please leave because I don't want to hurt your feelings. Friends, protect your wellbeing by leaving this place alone. This is a vent blog, it's not on my main for a reason. There are things here that may hurt you that I had to get out of my system. If I dont tell you something directly, it's because I value our friendship. I don't want my issues to sabotage it.

Much of this is too raw to read for people who know me. "The raw version" is not the truest version, it's just what my brain and emotions spat out.

I use this blog to keep track of how I think/feel when I get triggered for therapy reference, to see how to deal with those thoughts and where they started.

blog rules:

Don't reblog my posts with a character or franchise (ie, "#this is so sasuke" or "#percy jackson" *reblog with picture of vi* etc) unless you're a fictive/sourcemate of them, this applies to OC's too. I'm a real person and these are my real pain and struggles, its not "content', so please show compassion.

Otherwise, reposts are okay. And if you have a similar experience, you can give a bit of detail about the similarities/differences of the situation or similarities/differences in how it makes you feel in the tags, if you feel comfortable.

Please no reblogs with intense lengthy vents in the tags. Remember you can make your own vent blog if you want to! The world is your oyster.

If you cross these boundaries more than twice I may block you. No hard feelings, this is my safe space.

"Daddy issues" blogs about wanting for old men will be blocked. Same with ddlg or anything alike. There's plenty of blogs out there for you but I'm not one of them!

Blogs often mentioning ED's or sh will be blocked. I do sympathize with you but it's my boundaries for my wellbeing.

Be advised, this blog is sometimes explicit, including kinks. I tag kink so u can block it. There's talk of dark subjects. (I mean, it's a vent blog)

I block freely but as long as you follow these rules and try to be kind, you're welcome here

my vent tag: #velveteen vent | things that remind me of past years: #velvetimecapsule

divider credit: @ pixopix

editing of pics & quotes above: me