1:40-”If we had it my way, the whole lot of you would be in skirts.” There’s just a level of...delightfully demented about this series.

oh no...

I cannot quite define why this is making me as happy as it is.

4:30-”This has a lock on it, we’ll be fine!”....seriously, Doc?

4:50-”DOC, YOU HAVE A TABLE OVER THERE WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS ‘LASER DEATH-RAY BARGAIN BIN’!” Never change, Rusty.

5:00-Hello there, Baron Ünderbheit, I was wondering how long it would be before we saw you again.

5:40-”that washup who thinks it’s cool to wear butterfly wings”...harsh, but fair

6:10-hahahah it’s funny because Dr. Girlfriend is trans L M A O

6:30-because of course the Guild of Calamitous Intent signed a Charter of Casual Contact

7:30-Orpheus has the power of causing suspenseful background music to play at appropriate times, which is high on the list of my most desired superpowers. That’ll teach Doc to sell a borrowed weed whacker, alright.

9:40-There’s a system for “arch-ing” and it has social conventions. And Venture peaked too early. Amazing.

10:00-They are absolutely terrible at flirting.

That might be the gothiest outfit I have ever seen.

10:30-Dean is somehow even worse at flirting.

Quit staring at her chest.

“Man, you’re a mess” is an understatement

10:50-Orpheus. No levitating the merchandise.

I know you’re trying to get a villain archenemy and all, and bitchslapping the Monarch and setting his shoes on fire is a decent icebreaker, but dude, you’re a necromancer. You’re not the good guy here. (Although I don’t think we’ve actually seen you perform any necromancy, though...)

13:00-Billy has a point about the picture of the shrink-ray on the shrink-ray.

“Phantom Limb”. Quite.

14:20-Let Doctor Girlfriend Be A Strong Independent Sidekick If She Damn Well Wants To Be

16:00-This has got to be the dumbest reason for starting a diversion fight imaginable and it’s great.

So this is where that orange chick got Anakin’s lightsaber, eh? 

17:30-Orpheus. Chill.

18:10-”Why don’t we find his lab, and...uh........break something?” “...Alright.”

All supervillains carry cash, and specifically American cash. That’s just facts.

F

20:10-”It’s like a museum of failure” man, people are just showing no mercy today

20:30-”What can I do to this guy that life hasn’t already?” Damn, Monarch. Damn.

I should really blog this series more frequently.

0:15-This show is the sort of show that would spoof the opening to Raiders of the Lost Ark, but the priceless antiquity is Grover Cleveland’s Presidential Time Machine. That’s just how they roll.

This exchange is pretty much perfect.

1:00-Sorry Doc, the urethra fish totally is a real thing unfortunately. Jungles are horrifying places.

1:50-The Guild of Calamitous Intent has an Unusual Torture Act? Why?

2:10-For fuck’s sake Monarch, don’t leave them to get your handbook! That’s what henchmen are for, goddammit.

3:30-He only joined the Guild of Calamitous Intent because of their health insurance plan. God bless America.

3:50-Rusty’s Law. Another layer on the pile of daddy issues, I see.

bless this bug-man

4:30-Even more so.

5:00-Especially when compared to the mannerisms of his nemesis. Yuck.

5:20-Somehow I suspect that no, Dean has not been shooting dope into his scrotum.

6:10-Why am I supposed to care about these clowns now?

7:10-Why won’t he just call a doctor?

This man is a walking meme.

9:10-Doctor Girlfriend, now is really not the time.

10:00-I can’t express how little interest I really have regarding Dean’s crotch consultation.

11:10-I also have no idea why you’re there, Brock.

13:00-So this aired in 2004, not (as I’d somehow gotten the impression) the mid-90s, so that quip about Republicans and world domination went from prescient to a bit depressing.

13:20-Testicular torsion is one of those things that isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds.

say what

...care to describe this “prototype phase”, Doc? Maybe a few more details?

14:00-SMURFS DON’T LAY EGGS!

14:30-Look, I know it’s supposed to be a legitimate medical problem and all but I’m really not happy about the massive crotch bulge animated onto the 15-year-old boy.

Incredible.

16:30-He had Kronk fake a prison break...to entertain Hank...

Monarch is such a dork and it’s great.

17:10-why did you tie a knot with his testicles

why

18:00-You know, I would comment about you inviting Triana to this get-well party with Dean in full crotch-bandages, but this might actually be the least embarrassing he’s ever been while around her.

18:10-Orpheus no

This is the face of a man who’s just been handed a commemorative envelope full of his own pubes, right in front of his crush.

19:20-they have

a massive pile

of dead henchmen

just...sitting there

20:20-What the fuck is this show 

22:30-What the fuck is this infommercial

This is completely deranged, and mostly in a good way, even. There were some draggy bits but the premise was just so monumentally stupid but in a way that went right to my sense of humor. I love it. Call it a 7/10.

0:10-Fighter jets, HELPER meeping in alarm, Doc presumably doing something highly illegal and dangerous, title promising Monarch shenanigans...what’s not to love?

Well that’s one way to solve this situation

Wait, is Kronk working for Venture at all, or just using him as a way to keep an eye on the supervillain class for the feds?

Or, since the license expired...is he just retired?

3:20-Venture has decided he needs a vacation. Kronk is depressed or something, I don’t honestly know.

3:50-Doc is going to make a total fool of himself and Kronk can’t wait. I like it.

4:05-Random crotch shots aren’t cool, Hank.

oh wonderful

Desperation and syphilis are the only things you’ll find here, “Rusty”

I had to see this and so do all of you.

mood

6:20-god why, kids

6:25-Not that I don’t admire your natural talents, Kronk, but this isn’t exactly an ideal situation.

7:30-I hate how the widespread misuse of the word “trap” has led to a situation where I can’t say “This is obviously a trap” without using a disclaimer.

7:32-Oh, it’s Doctor Girlfriend. Perfect. I’m glad I didn’t say this is obviously a trap for even more obvious reasons.

8:30-What goes around comes around.

This makes me uncomfortable.

9:55-Goddammit.

11:30-No one cares, Doc. Literally.

12:00-That doesn’t look good, Doc. Although you’d think Monarch might be a touch more ambitious with his diabolical plans.

14:10-What a montage though

You basically deserve this.

the fuck though

HELPER spazzing out like

Doc’s bad at programming robots, who knew?

18:10-Kronk absolutely can bring a knife to a gun fight.

git ‘em

Alright. The Terrible Secret of Turtle Bay.

So I knew basically nothing going in, all I had was the name and my vague impressions from seeing it, and the fact that it debuted in roughly 1997. I actually didn’t expect the series to be animated.

0:00-Generic Shady Japanese Businessman didn’t tell me much except that this looks like a fairly irreverent spy-thriller-type premise.

2:00-God these kids (the titular Bros?) are dumb as half a box of rocks, and they’re Archie as all hell. I like Brock though. Is that the voice actor for Kronk? Because I can’t escape that particular comparison and it’s hilarious.

3:00-Dad Venture is…dorky, excitable, wants validation from/has a crush on Kronk while being disdainful to his kids. Which…yeah, can’t blame him. Has a bit of a Ricky streak going, what with skinning the family dog and all. This family is an absolutely beautiful mess.

6:00-incompetent butterfly themed supervillain named The Monarch. Okay. Something tells me that Venture, his supposed nemesis, basically doesn’t care about him. 

10:30-of course the ninja is named Otaku. Of course. Why wouldn’t he be?

11:00-What self-respecting butterfly-themed supervillain wouldn’t fly first class, I ask you? This guy knows how it’s done.

12:30-These kids are a mess.

16:00-What the fuck is even happening

17:00-The kids deserve whatever is about to happen to them.

18:00-So Venture’s dad was famous, I think I remember seeing that in the opening clip. And I’m sure he’s perfectly well-adjusted and doesn’t carry any unhealthy emotional baggage because of this. None at all.

19:30-”Well I suppose that if it fell into the wrong hands it could be modified and used as a weapon, after a fashion”…what is its primary use, exactly, Venture?

21:00-Ow.

21:30-Well hello there, Mr. Fantastic. Didn’t expect to see you here.

This is a good summation of the episode.

23:00-”He was masturbatin’ like a teenager with a fast internet connection.” Ahh, 1997. 

23:30 He doesn’t have any idea what use the Army will have for his matter-melter-ray. Okay.

Get fucked, Mike Pence.

0:40-”Sorry to have to leave the party early, gentlemen. Not that it hasn’t been a...blast.” goddammit

Mike Pence 1, King Cobra 1. Match is a draw.

god damn it Kronk

2:30-Doc is applying for a job working for Dr. Impossible, huh? Hard times indeed.

2:40-What is this bastardized ripoff of John Williams’ Superman theme? 

...alright

4:50-”Brock! I think I figured out why the plane crashed! There were skeletons driving it!” 

5:00-so Mike Pence is actually “Race Bannon”...I couldn’t even make this shit up.

5:40-Of course Doc has to cheat his drug test. Wonderful.

I love this.

6:50-Fuck you very much Professor.

Kronk regrets everything.

8:50-”They never show that part on TV.” A wise policy that should have been continued in this case.

My nightmare boss, indeed.

10:30-They’re explaining this “Goliath Serum” and Kronk’s reaction sums it up

11:20-Seducing the boss’s wife is pretty high up on the “don’t do this at a new job” list.

11:40-Then her skin vanished. K.

12:00-This is a horrifying Fantastic Four knockoff. Wonderful.

14:20-So. Invisible Woman except only her skin. Human Torch who feels the fire on him. And The Thing who appears to have killer arthritis. The fuck.

How very convenient.

17:30-”You’ve thought about this.” “Yes I have.”

17:40-Oh hey, they found the naked snow goblin.

christ, he’s hallucinating in metaphors.

18:20-Kronk just casually chops a bear’s skin off and turns it into a coat for Venture. Lovely.

18:30-”Hank’s a bomb. Long story.”

“1v1 me irl bruh”

19:50-”We’re the most powerful minds on the planet. Let’s act like it.” Apparently common sense isn’t quite dead in this universe after all.

Nice to see the boys are finally doing something about the fact that this show is named “The Venture Bros”