#vax'more

okay, hear me out before you come for me, "their love was used to break the world"ers, cuz I'm seriously not trying to start a fight... First and foremost... this is only my opinion. And my opinion has absolutely no bearing on your thoughts, views, opinions, or what is canon. The Eight Nerdy-Ass Voice Actors have spoken: Vax'leth is canon, end of story. And I'm certainly not going to say Vax'leth shippers are wrong, or stupid, blah blah blah... hell no. That is not my place, nor my right (well, legally it is my right, but my personal morals and feelings on the matter say that it's a dick move, so). I don't care who you ship (as long as it ain't pedophilia). That's the beauty of fandoms. We can all have our thoughts, ideas, opinions, and somewhere, find someone of like mind to share them with. Second, yes. I ship Perc'ildan... But I also ship Vax'more. Hell, when I was watching Campaign 1, Vax gave Percy a big ol' smooch on the cheek, Liam said "Percy and Vax, people! Ship it!" I said "O, captain, my captain!" and never looked back. But otherwise, there wasn't much else in canon to go off of. Not like there was with Vax & Gilmore. Very quickly, the chemistry there blew me away, I was shipping them so damn fast, and I had so much hope for them! But then... "You know I'm in love with you, right?"

💔 ... that single, Iconic moment that kicked off the Vax'leth joy for nearly a decade for so many, was a moment of shattered hopes and heartbreak for me. And it came out nowhere! I was not expecting it! I knew people were shipping them (I was not in online communities yet, I got into the fandom very late, they were between C2 & C3 when I started watching C1) but I didn't know how the campaign ended, I didn't know if anyone ended up together... I had not recognized any interest between those two characters except for one brief moment, when Vax went unconscious in the fight with the Briarwoods in Emon... He pictured his mother, his sister... and Keyleth. And I thought "oh god, please don't go there." And for a couple more eps, it seemed okay, but then he dropped that line...

"You know I'm in love with you, right?"

... fuck.

Part of me wanted to stop watching. But that was silly and childish. And holy shit, the Briarwood Arc. I think I paused, though, and stared at the ceiling and had a silent mental tantrum. Later, watching him pseudo-break up with Gilmore from their pseudo-thing that was never really official to begin with, because of what looked unrequited love, left me feeling nauseous. And... it never got better. Nothing about Vax and Keyleth ever felt right.

Now, I wasn't particularly happy about Perc'ahlia either, but... I was okay with it. I mean, damn, Laura and Tal played it well, Vex & Percy had the chemistry... They came together, they said "yes, you are what I want", and "Lady in the streets, tiger in the sheets" Vex said "Great, let's fucking go," grabbed Percy by the short & curlies and has been dragging him around, plucking his flower ever since, and making him a very, very happy man. But I digress. No, Vax'leth just never felt right. The chemistry wasn't there. They always seemed just a bit out of synch, never quite in harmony with each other... I know the arguments have been made before. Keyleth and Vax felt forced; yeah, they really did. They were awkward; yeah, I mean, Keyleth was already socially awkward, Marisha played that brilliantly, but this was... more. Vax carried everything; yyyyeah, he did. He seemed desperate to make it work. Sure. I saw all of that. Every single one of "their moments" was so incredibly uncomfortable for me to watch, it was almost unbearable... There were a couple of times when I physically squirmed in response. But... why? I didn't have this response to Percy & Vex... I see Perc'ahlia fanart online, I've even read a couple of Perc'ahlia fics... but Vax'leth? I actively avoid it... I've never read anything that might include it... I block the tag on every platform, because stumbling across fanart with them in any... intimate position just brings a visceral cringe reaction from me... ... But... I'm fine with Percy/Grog. Or Percy/Tary. Or Vax/Grog. I've read a Vex/Percy/Grog. I'm down with Vex/Zahra/Kash... Vex/Percy/Zahra. o.o I've read Polymachina where it's "hm... whose bed am I sleeping in tonight?" And that's where I figured it out... because whenever characters started getting mix-matched up together, occasionally I'd find myself skipping stuff, just "oof, no, not interested in giving that paring/threesome/grouping a chance..." And I finally realized it all had the same thing in common. It was Keyleth herself. And between that, and watching C3, I started to realize something. Or recognize something. There was something about Keyleth that was resonating with me. There was something about her, that I was relating to. And once I figured it out, I couldn't believe it had taken me so long to see it. Keyleth full on fucking screams Aromantic Asexual so hard!

And she doesn't even know it herself!!!

This is an incredible woman of strength, power, wisdom and compassion. She is one of the leading figures in the entire world. Her life has been nothing but a journey of seeking knowledge, and power, and self-control, and wisdom and leadership. She has had incredible burdens and responsibilities heaped upon her shoulders since she was just a girl. Her Aramente was supposed to be about finding herself, yes, but that's also what the journey of life is. I realized that the reason that Vax'leth made me so uncomfortable, was because I recognized what I was seeing. I was watching Keyleth, who had no understanding of herself, and who had not yet had the time to explore and figure herself out, being confronted with someone that she cared about, expressing feelings for her, and she was going through the motions of trying to to respond. She was just doing what she thought she was supposed to do, playing the part she was supposed to play, and even wanted to play, because this! This is what people do! This is part of what everyone gets to have! Something that is normal, but special, and just for her, in this otherwise insane, overwhelming chaos that is the rest of her life, with the world crashing down around her... "This is what I'm supposed to do! I care for this person, he cares for me, he loves me, so I'm supposed to fall in love with him! That's what's happening! I'm supposed to do this! This is what I'm supposed to say! Is this what it's supposed to feel like when we hold hands? I'm probably just nervous and overreacting. This is what we're supposed to do. Yes, we're supposed to kiss. I'm supposed to like it. Yes, act like I like it, tell him I like it, tell myself I like it, this is what I want because I care about him, and this is what you do when you care about someone!"

At some point, you start to question. "... is it... really supposed to fee like this? Is this really what I want? Is this really love? Or... OMG have I just been playing along because I'm trying to conform to the expectations of society... and myself?!" It's confusing... because you genuinely do want it!!! Until you realize... that you don't. And then you're just confused. And trying to figure out why. Maybe you weren't really in love? Maybe you didn't really want it with this person? Or... did you ever really want it at all?

Let me tell you, some of the best smut fanfiction is written by asexuals, in case you didn't know that. There is a big difference between loving sex, and loving the idea of sex. Or loving romance, and wanting to have your own. There are so many written works of love and romance and erotic, explicit sex, being written by people who can't get enough of reading and writing it... but have no interest in having that themselves... But I'm sure quite a few of us went through the motions in our youth, of dating, kissing, or even a bit more, before we realized OMG no, keep it out of my reality and in fiction, please. Keyleth never had the fucking chance. Perhaps in their year off between the Conclave and the final Arc she started to wonder and question... I think at some point, maybe on a Talks Machina, Liam did say that Vax and Keyleth's relationship was mostly asexual. But then, of course... Vax was gone.

I wonder if he knew, on some level... Especially after his deal with the Matron. That as much as she loved him, it was not as much as she thought she did. Or, if I may, even as much as Marisha loved Vax. Maybe Keyleth has figured herself out by now... maybe she hasn't... In Dalen's Closet, she asked the Champion how she is supposed to get over him if he keeps sending her Ravens. But I can't help wondering if she isn't clinging to Vax's memory, in part, because as long as she is still grieving him, it gives her an excuse to not move on. If she hasn't moved on, and isn't moving forward in a state where someone might be trying to catch her eye, she won't have to deal with that self-reflection, and start to question if what she had with him was ever real to begin with, or just another lie she was telling herself. I have to wonder if she is ready to see and accept that part of herself. It takes a lot of time. I was in my mid thirties by the time I realized I was on the asexual spectrum. And nearly 40 when I realized I was aromantic. And now, looking at Keyleth as an Aromantic Asexual, everything just seemed to slot into place, and make sense for her, and everything that bugged me about her suddenly... doesn't anymore. I've always enjoyed Keyleth's character, outside of Vax'leth. But I'm curious, if I go back and rewatch C1 now, with this perspective, while I will certainly never like it, and will certainly never ship it... I wonder if I can at least find some peace in it. But, for those of you who think I'm stark raving mad, that Zephrah is for lovers, and the Raven & the Tempest is the love story for the ages, well... You've waited a long time for LoVM Season 3! Enjoy and savor every Vax'leth moment you get!!! But I will respectfully be filtering them out, and shall let you have your moments of triumph and delight in peace.

((I just want to say... I love you for prompting this. That was a ride. At first I didn't realise there was a comma missing, and I seriously debated writing part of a pregnant trans!Vax AU I've been meaning to write for ages. But since that probably would have taken way too long, and I'm pretty sure that's not what you wanted out of this, I decided against it. And then I decided against making it a super angsty break up fic, because I needed something nice in my life for once. The end result is probably still not what you wanted, but have some more or less domestic schmoop instead.))

*

Vox Machina had been back in Whitestone for barely a few minutes before Vax excused himself from the group. For once they had returned without any grave injuries, or more trouble than they had left with. For once everyone was fine and in good spirit, and while the others looked forward to a relaxing evening in the castle, Vax couldn't wait to see Gilmore again.

So he ignored the teasing and leering calls from everyone, not even bothering to flip them off as he made his way to Gilmore's temporary home in the city. Pulling out the small key the sorcerer had given him he let himself in, wanting to surprise the man. But instead of the picture of his lover relaxing on the couch, Vax was greeted by a lovely smell, that seemed to be wafting through the entire house.

Shaun was a wonderful cook, one more reason why Vax mourned not being able to spend more time with him. Stolen moments, nights spend together as long as neither of them was needed elsewhere.. it never seemed to be enough.

“Gilmore?” Vax called out tentatively, not wanting to startle him too much by sneaking through the rooms. “Shaun, I'm back early.”

Just a moment later, the sorcerer appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, a wide smile on his face. “So you are, darling!” They embraced, holding on tightly for a moment, and when Gilmore pulled away again, he placed a gentle kiss on Vax' cheek. “So how's your newest adventure treated you? I'm guessing everyone is doing well, otherwise you wouldn't be here already.” “No, I suppose I wouldn't,” Vax admitted, a bit sheepishly, even though he knew Gilmore didn't judge him for placing his priorities the way he did. Otherwise, they most likely wouldn't have gotten together in the first place. “Everything went well, but let's not talk about it now. I just want to enjoy being here for a while.” Gilmore's face softened and he gave a soft sigh, running his hand down Vax's back before pulling him a bit closer. “Of course, you can tell me some other time. I'm just glad to have you.” Vax hummed in agreement, resting his head against Gilmore's shoulder as he leaned in. But the smell was still very distracting, and it had definitely reminded him how hungry he was. His growling stomach gave him away a moment later, making Gilmore laugh. “Alright, enough standing around. Let me get some food into you, little bird, you seem to need it.”

Vax still blushed at the nickname but nodded, gladly following back to the kitchen. “You know I'm not going to say no to that. So tell me, what are you making?”

“Oh, I'm already done,” Gilmore replied, carrying a pot over from the stove to the table, where Vax had already settled down. “It's Marquesian, a stew, sort of. You're lucky you're back so early, too. I was just about to put the finishing touch on it, but if you're eating with me, it's probably best if I keep that to my own plate.”

Vax frowned slightly at that, but seeing the small clay jars scattered around the fire made him realise that Gilmore was most likely talking about spices. He did like to complain about Tal'Dorei food being bland sometimes. “No, please, add whatever you like. I'd love to try,” he assured him, giving his partner a warm smile.

Gilmore just chuckled in reply but did bring one of the clay jars over as well before joining him at the table. “Try it if you want to, but I think it's better if I don't add it to the whole thing yet. This one is... rather strong.”

Vax shrugged and, under the horrified eyes of Gilmore, sprinkled a good spoonful of the reddish brown powder over his plate. “Come on, how bad can it be?” he asked, stirring it all in with his spoon. The stew certainly looked tasty, though besides some kind of meat and like one vegetable, Vax couldn't make out what was in it.

Shaun made a sound somewhere between repressed laughter and horrified groan. “Oh darling, you're going to regret that.” But the half elf just waved him off, taking a big bite of it anyway.

The reaction was imminent. Vax' smug smile seemed to freeze at first, then melted into a grimace, a cough, his hands curling into fists. “Oh god, oh fuck-” Wincing in sympathy, though it was hard to not show his amusement as well, Gilmore got up and got the milk can out of the cupboard, quickly pouring a glass for Vax. “Here, drink this, that should help,” he told him, sticking it under his nose. And Vax took it, gladly.

His whole face was already flushed though, and Gilmore didn't miss the misty eyes either. He couldn't help it anymore and laughed, softly, not trying to mock his lover but not able to pity him all too much either. To soften the blow a bit he reached out to stroke his hair, gently tucking Vax to lean against his belly as the half elf still struggled with forming words again.

“Don't- don't say I told you so,” he grumbled finally, once the burning in his throat had started to cool down at least a little bit. “I didn't think it would be that bad.”

“Well obviously,” Gilmore replied, still maybe a little bit too gleeful. “Now next time, maybe you'll listen to me. Though knowing you, I doubt it.”

“I brought wine, by the way,” said Vax against Gilmore’s neck, when the silence stretched on long enough that he half worried Gilmore had fallen asleep standing up. He wouldn’t be surprised – he hadn’t been lying when he’d said Shaun looked ill. “And massage oil, and some other… goodies.”

Groaning theatrically, Gilmore pulled back from the hug so he could look Vax in the eye, before pressing a kiss to his forehead. “This,” he declared, disentangling himself and crossing the room to retrieve some glasses from the drinks cabinet across the room, dangling them casually from one hand, “is why you’re my favourite, Vax’ildan.”

“I thought I was your favourite because of my good looks and roguish charm?”

- A Moment’s Peace, by @sparxwrites

Gilmore, lovingly stroking his hair: You’re pretty fucking annoying that’s what you are

Rated T, 1867 words.

A series of vignettes of Vax on his knees for the people he loves

Technically in the same 'verse as "Apotheosis", but you don't need to read that to understand this fic.