#vanderpump rules recap

We’re back on the couch where Brittany has left Jax, and considering we know they’re still together in the off-season, this is all arbitrary bullshit. We’re supposed to pretend like Jax is really upset that Brittany left, which is hilarious. He keeps saying he sucks at relationships but he just plain old sucks, in my humble opinion. He heads down to Tom and Katie’s to try to get some sympathy. He calls himself a “decent human being”, and Katie pulls a face.

Y’all know that’s really rich, like Scrooge McDuck rich.

Jax tells the Maloney-Schwartzes that he broke up with Brittany, and they’re both slackjawed and shocked. Jax tried to break up with someone without being a dick or a douche, which is literally impossible. He had sex with her and and then broke up with her. Even if she did initiate it, Jax, if that was on your list of things to do today, you shouldn’t have had sex with her. He’s like, “hey, sometimes you just need to get off,” and the fact that this man calls himself a decent human being makes me want to crumble inside. We have no human standard for decency when Jax Taylor, who basically lead MK Ultra, thinks he’s a decent person.

Katie is disgusted by him, and welcome to the club.

Schwartz thinks Jax is going to change his mind after a few days, and he’s correct. Jax claims that no, he’s felt like this for a while and there’s no way he’s changing his mind. He’s got to work on himself before he can even consider being in a relationship with someone else.

As someone who literally ended a relationship on this very concept, it’s admirable. Except in Jax’s case, in which it’s entirely an excuse and wholeheartedly performative. We’ve seen Jax blame his behavior on other people for years - hell, we saw it not even a few minutes ago - and it’ll be a cold day in hell when Jax admits fault for his actions. My last relationship deteriorated simply because we were two people on very different wavelengths, and I felt I couldn’t move forward with us until I worked on myself. And guess what?

I’m doing the work. I’m being creative. I’m producing content. I’m learning who I want to be going forward in my life, what kind of person I want to be for the person I settle down with. I don’t see anything wrong with that. What Jax is doing, is basically saying he wants to end things with Brittany for her own benefit because she deserves better than who he is now. As if he’s doing all of this changing for her, otherwise it wouldn’t be happening, because she just makes him feel bad about the shit he pulls. He’s breaking up with her for her own benefit, not his personal growth.

He ain’t gonna do shit.

We’re at Sexy Unique Restaurant! Lisa Vanderpump continues to pretend like she does anytihng more than stand and point at things with a critical eye by talking to the chef about that evening’s specials.

It’s either “Chilean Sea Bass”, which is the standard special at Sexy Unique Restaurant, or “cheese and sea bass”, to which I wonder: who is running this restaurant and how can I have them taken out?

Lala arrives in the least professional outfit ever, but Lisa wants to give her something! It’s a gift, a part of stiletto knee-high lace-up boots, and if you have that many hyphens in a single item of clothing you should just take it off ASAP. Lala loves them, and they’re a good luck gift from Lisa. Lisa is far too generous. Lala gets emotional at putting herself out there and presenting herself to the universe. Rightfully so, this is absolutely terrifying.

What can go wrong in those boots, Vanderpump asks. A lot, Lisa.

A lot.

We’re at Tom and Ariana’s with Jeremy and Billie Lee. Sandoval is mixing cocktails, and Billie Lee just moved into her new apartment. They all get the unfortunate displeasure of being Sandoval’s guinea pigs for cocktails for TomTom, and Ariana wants to make sure that yes, he has cocktails for this restaurant, but also cocktails for their own book, too. Ariana will never let Tom forget this. Tom and Ariana are shockingly going to look at their first apartment that isn’t the trash apartment they’ve been living in for what seems like a thousand years. They’re obsessed with houses and looking at hous-

Oh, we heard from Schwartz. Jax broke up with Brittany, so Sandoval and Schwartz are legally required to run to Jax’s side within 12 hours or they will be dealt a heavy penalty1. Ariana immediately is like “Buuuuull shit, dude, you’re not running to hold Jax’s hand while he pukes this time.” Ariana and Tom were having a perfectly fine night alone at home, and here he is, about to abandon her because Jax fucks up. Ariana has been abandoned by Tom for Jax several times before, and she’s fed up. Tom really doesn’t understand this. He says he’s not babysitting, but Ariana is entirely justified in being annoyed with Tom. No one wants to be second best in their relationship.

Kristen’s at her apartment hanging out with Carter, the human embodiment of that custom-made dildo Abbi ruined on Broad City, and resting her fractured foot. Brittany has done lost her mind clearly because after breaking up with Jax, she’s heading directly to Kristen’s place. No one can believe Jax is fully committed to this breakup, he’s just caught in his feels. Carter’s somewhat over the entire drama with James, Schwartz, Sandoval, and Jax. Kristen is very upset with the fact that Carter doesn’t believe her. She promises not to put herself in situatons that can lead to shit like that again.

Do Carter and Kristen have the most functional relationship on this show?

At Jax’s hotel room, he’s drinking vodka straight by himself with Sandoval and Schwartz come by with “reinforcements” in the form of beer. Schwartz admits that Jax and Brittany probably should call it quits, it’s been over for a while. They all tell him he made the wrong move by having sex with Brittany before breaking up with her, and Jax admits he didn’t even consider Brittany in his decision to take his Fake Florida Job.

At least he has the decency to know where he doesn’t belong and he’s not going to go to Lala’s showcase, because Jax is definitely not welcome there. Both Sandoval and Schwartz are right in telling Jax he shouldn’t be around Brittany at all right now, and Jax DEFINITELY should not go back to their apartment. How long until Jax goes over to their apartment, though?

Brittany arrives at Kristen’s apartment2 with Zach, one of Brittany’s friends from home. She’s been staying in a hotel while she deals with the whole Jax situation and really doesn’t want to be around anyone who works at Sexy Unique Restaurant.

Oh, that’s why she’s hanging out with Kristen.

Brittany’s at her breaking point and doesn’t want to put herself through any of Jax’s shit anymore. Everyone, including me, is relieved. Unfortunately, we all know this is short-lived as hell, but it’s nice to hear Brittany at least say she’s tired of this shit. She’s been strong, not engaging, and she’s horrified by Jax’s behavior. I mean, I’ve been watching this show for nearing on six years, and Brittany’s resilience could end wars, I swear. I’ve been done with Jax for as long as I’ve been out of college.

Kristen brings up Daddy Bae Adam and how he’s a Daddy Bae who is interested in Brittany. And guess what? Brittany slid it to Daddy Bae’s DaddyDMs and gave him her number. Get it, Brittany. I’ve made my feelings on Daddy Bae clear.

He’s a Daddy Bae.

Tom and Ariana are looking at houses? I completely forgot about all of this. There’s a two bedroom, two bathroom house, and they’re totally a couple that should be buying a house together considering they’re on very different pages regarding their future. Namely, children. I mean, Tom wants to have three or four, Ariana wants to have none.

That’s a VERY BIG DIFFERENCE, and are y’all really willing to put up the expense of this when there’s a likelihood it’s not permanent? Just saying3.

They’re both excited to be taking steps forward, and Ariana just wants to make sure that she’s made a priority in their relationship. She doesn’t want to control him or who he hangs out with, but it’s also not acceptable for him to be dropping everything to run to Jax’s side every time Jax fucks up. If he continues to do that, he’s literally going to have no free time.

Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the musical cue tells us not to get in their way because they have a game plan. Peter’s getting the dining room set up and Brittany is actually wearing a jacket on her shoulders instead of dramatically draping it on her arms. Stassi is going through a drawer and opens a mysterious package, and Lisa Vanderpump sneaks up beside her and holds a dog up that I swear is stuffed. That dog does not move like it’s alive. Stassi came by to steal candles for Lala’s party, and I cackled at the entire notion. She has balls, I’m not mad at it.

Lisa’s come from Tom Tom and doesn’t think it’s ready for anyone to see it, but Tom and Tom really want people to come over, so she’s just giving in because sometimes it’s easier to do that than to fight about it. Stassi thinks she’s learned that, and Lisa flat out says no, she hasn’t. Lisa asks about Patrick, and Stassi admits to being frustrated by him. She doesn’t know if just loving someone is enough…. She doesn’t even know if she’s happy with him anymore. Lisa tells her it’s not that complicated. I mean, Lisa’s been married since 1874 to a man who waits on her hand and foot. I don’t know if she’s going to be the right person to be giving advice about this. It’s best if she sticks to what she knows best… selling goat cheese balls. Stassi’s there for one reason, and one reason alone. She’s not coming to Sexy Unique Restaurant and NOT getting her goat cheese balls.

Lisa and Stassi the purple room and head into the main area where Brittany is still in her denim jacket and folding napkins. They both approach her like she’s a fragile child who’s has a debhilitating illness4 and talk to her in really high, quiet voices. Brittany’s not going to let Jax’s shit slow her down or stop her from going to work. Stassi tells Brittany not to feel embarrassed, because Jax ain’t shit. Peter literally brings the goat cheese balls to Stassi at the table, and Peter had fulfilled his contractual obligations of the season.

Toms Sandoval and Schwartz are going to a shop to look at uniform options for TomTom. Their options are very bland and a ton of denim shirts that all look the same. They talk about Jax fucking up and then poorly handling it in the aftermath. They don’t buy into the entire idea of their breakup and won’t until it’s at least two months out. Neither of them has any sympathy for Brittany in the slightest because, well, Jax really should just have a shirt that says “Google Me” because that’ll be the perfect deterrent. His reputation is known and clear, and if you really had any questions...

He’s a 75 year old man who goes by the name Jax. What more do you need? Of course he’s going to give you HPV and then blame you for it.

Also, this is super rich coming from Tom Schwartz, who has cheated on his wife... how many times? I rest my case.

Stassi is setting up the area for Lala’s showcase, and she actually did a gorgeous job. She’s shocked to be planning Lala’s performance considering it’s been a road to get there. Lala comes in with James5 and is clearly anxious about what’s to come in their performance. James isn’t going to take all the credit for Lala, but he’s going to take part of the credit for Lala. Her showcase is going to be 13 minutes, which is doesn’t sound like a long time, but can feel like for-fucking-ever. Even one song on stage can feel like fifteen years.

Lisa Vanderpump calls mainly to ask Lala if her 45-year-old boyfriend is coming to her showcase, and Lala is mum on the entire topic. I mean, it is weird for your significant other not to be there, but it’s also weird for one’s boss to call and ask about things like this. It all evens out.

It’s time for Lala’s gig! The gang’s all here - Ariana, Tom, Tom, Scheana, Daddy Bae Adam, Raquel even came out of her box at the toy store to show support. Brittany heads directly to Daddy Bae Adam and she has a Freakum dress on. Like, Brittany is DTF. Lala arrves with her squad, which is basically made up of black guys and the white guys who use them as a reason they can say the n-word. Lala’s wearing those hideous pink velvet lace-up boots Lisa gave her and Katie does a decent job of pretending they’re cute.

They’re hideous. Not even Rihanna could wear those.

I also have an admission: I like Lala’s music. Shoot me. It’s not the worst pop music I’ve heard, and she looks good doing it. I really admire the fact that she somehow doesn’t have a camel toe in that leotard, either.6 I would be insecure about that shit all night on stage. James Kennedy comes out and lipsyncs and Lala, who actually sings against her backing track at least, sounds decent. I love that we get a call back to Scheana’s “showcase” in her tutu and her off-tune auto-tune, because Lala literally looks like she’s an opera singer compared to that.

Lala sits with the girls and thanks them for giving her a second chance and for finally finding her place and her grounding in this group of girls. You the HBIC, Lala. You always have been. Tom&Tom are sitting drunkenly talking about Jax, of course. Jax is falling apart and not in the good “It’s Quiet Uptown” kind of way. They FaceTime with Jax and tell him that Lala crushed it. Jax doesn’t know what’s going on with Brittany or where she’s spending the night, and it’s none of Jax’s business. Jax asks how she is, but that’s also none of Jax’s business anymore. Jax feels worse since he broke up with Brittany, and I’m shocked you can feel worse when your body decayed to the point of disrepair. They’re all having Too Much Fun without Jax at Lala’s showcase, and it’s great.

Lala takes James aside and thanks him for giving her a voice (literally) for making her feel special. She finally has the confidence to start singing, and now she has it. I think their relationship is still very transactional, but it works for them. I’m not mad about it.

Jax is going to see the therapist he saw a few years ago, and he’s hungover. He got drunk by himself the night before and he’s hungover talking about his breakup. Kelsey’s away, so we’re seeing Lindsay this week. Jax takes credit for his relationship’s failure, and admits to having a lack of respect for women or really being willing to work at it. He’s crying, apparently? Brittany’s the first girlfriend he’s had he truly, truly loved. Oh, sorry, Stassi. That must hurt. He’s not sure if he did the right thing by doing the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts, Jax.

Britttany and Ariana are going over to Brittany’s apartment so she can change. Ariana’s essentially there to protect Brittany from Jax in case he was there. Scheana arrives, and apparently Jax has been blowing up Brittany’s phone with “I love you” and “my life is hard” texts.

Thanks for the boob job, asshole.

Next Week: It’s the season finale! TomTom is a real bar, shockingly. Lisa Vanderpump wants to fire Jax, finally. Patrick talks about Lisa Vanderpump’s ass to her face. Jax wants to keep an apartment in the same building down the hall, and Brittany’s not having it. Oh, Lisa’s not going to fire Jax, she’s just going to hope and pray he resigns. Classic Lisa!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: * I am obsessed with Tom and Ariana’s cat. * All the women on this show hate Jax so much. * Is Peter growing out his hair again?!?!?! * Oh god, James brought his DAD to Lala’s gig? * I love when Scheana pretends her music career was real. I LOVE IT. * Def gonna be singing “lemme know if I can fuck with you boy,” all week. * This episode was so great becuase there was so little Jax, right?

Sure, it sounds obnoxious, but isn’t that also something these guys would totally do? ↩︎

Kristen’s entire apartment is dark and grey and it really scares me. ↩︎

Ariana is horrified by all of the entire concept of having children, like the actual growth and gestation period and ejection part, much like I am. But I just use that as an excuse. ↩︎

I mean, Jax is pretty damn close. ↩︎

Lala in this scene with no makeup, extensions, none of the gig - looks the most gorgeous she’s been all season. She really is a beautiful girl. ↩︎

Man, this season just blew past, didn’t it?

Thank god. I’m really ready for it to end. As much as I love hating these people, I’m ready to move on to full-on misandry with The Bachelorette.

We resume back on Jax’s tantrum in Sexy Unique Restaurant, which still is second compared to Kristen’s Legendary Suck A Dick Diana Tantrum. But only barely. Jax storms off and punches a telephone booth on his way out. Brittany has to apologize for Jax, something I’m sure she’s used to doing a lot. I’ve apologized for my boyfriend throwing tantrums before, it’s really kind of an impulse more than anything else. Lisa asks Brittany why she apologizes, and it’s because his behavior is associated with her. She’s not going to spend the next 50 years covering his ass. Lisa thinks Brittany enables Jax to his detriment, and I agree. Brittany continues to want to give him a chance, but can’t tell her how many chances he deserves.

Brittany gets emotional talking about Jax, and that’s all we need to hear. As much as pretty much everyone wants her to get the hell out of that relationship, she’s in love with him at the end of the day, and there’s nothing we can do about that, unfortunately.

The next day, we’re back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, and Stassi and Katie are getting ready for Katie’s Powder and Politeness party. Honestly, the real name of her blog is so useless it might as well just be PPPPPPPPPPPP. Katie put her blog on hiatus because she wasn’t happy with herself and how angry she was last year so it made her unable to produce whatever a blog called Pucker and Pout is about1. I mean, I put this blog on hiatus when I got my heart stomped on, but I didn’t throw a party!!!

Pucker and Pout is now its own brand - sure - and they’re partnering with Julie Hewitt for lipsticks, I guess. Katie and Stassi set up balloons and Katie tells Stassi Jax isn’t coming becaus of his tantrum, and Patrick won’t be coming because Stassi can’t handle the emotional gymnastics of being in a relationship with him. Stassi can do so much better than the human embodiment of a man bun. I may have my own personal beef with her, but I still want her not to be with someone as awful as Patrick.

We’re taking it to the next level, according to our next music cue, which is perfect because we’re at Jax and Brittany’s apartment. Jax, someone who is so underground he can’t imagine the next level, is being cared for by his girlfriend, as usual. Brittany is like “honestly, even if you were mad at Scheana and/or Adam, you didn’t need to have a tantrum about it.” Jax maintains that because everyone is in their business, he can’t help but pop off. They’ve all done it, so why is he the only one who gets in trouble for it?

Because you’re the only one who makes the problem worse, Jax.

What occurs next is my favorite thing of the entire season.

I’m sure DJ James Kennedy, Duke of Whatevershire had it contractually obligated that one of his songs appears in an epsiode in his contact. So we’re treated to “Feeling You”, which I have unapologetically called “a low key bop”.

Lala’s headed into the studio to meet James, and she’s thrilled to hear her own voice. Lala is terrified to do her showcase and perform five songs, which is nerve-wracking for anything. James takes credit for finding Lala, and I cackle. The two of them really think they’re Dr. Dre and Eminem, and Dre somewhere lifted up his Beats headphones like “Who?” These two really try it. Lala’s invited everyone to try to come to peace, even Jax. Lala invited Jax primarily for Brittany’s sake, not because she wanted Jax there. She just feels bad for Brittany.

She shouldn’t.

We’re at TomTom, or the carcass that will soon become TomTom, if we’re being more accurate. A lot has been done in six weeks, and it acutally looks like a real bar. Kind of. The Toms share a bar and put on their hard hats because these boys totally think they’re Bob the Builder. They’re preparing for a progress party, and it literally sounds like they’re doing more work for this party set up than they have for the actual bar.

Sandoval wants to make things official, so he gets on one knee and asks Schwartz to officially be his partner by exchanging cufflinks. You know what, I’m pro-friends exchanging jewelry in the same manner as engagements and weddings, so this is great!

Lisa is with Ariana and they’re riding horses. Of course. Lisa calls her horse sexy 100 times and I am sneezing. Lisa and Ariana are talking about Sandoval and his priorities. We hear about Ariana’s cocktail book for the first time all season, and we learn that’s been pushed by the wayside for TomTom after Ariana rearranged her entire project to involve him. Ariana’s afraid of nagging, but she doesn’t want to wait around for him, either.

They talk about Jax’s temper tantrum, and Lisa Vanderpump is not impressed whatsoever. Jax takes out his aggression on everyone else around him, and it’s backfiring now. Lisa’s wondering about Jax’s employment.

We’re at the Panties and Panthers party for Katie at Sexy Unique Restaurant, and everyone is shocked at how good it looks. Brittany’s there, sans Jax, and Lala’s enjoying balls in her mouth. Kristen arrives on crutches, and I’m fully here for this. Kristen stubbed her toe hard enough to require crutches, and as a person who is 100% limbs just like she is, I understand waking up with random aches and pains. I get that, girl.

Brittany comes and says hello to Daddy Bae Adam, who she jokingly calls “boyfriend”. Jax isn’t there, he’s at home hacking away at a pint of Ben and Jerry’s he bought in 1987. Pretty much everyone thinks the reason Jax is so possessive is that Adam is basically a young version of him. Daddy Bae Adam is 100x better, as far as I can tell. Lisa’s happy and impressed, so is Katie, and Stassi beter have goat cheeser bballs at her funeral.

James and Lala discuss the fact that Carter is giving James the stinkeye from across the room, and James just doesn’t really care. It’s not his problem, ya know? Lala wants to make sure James isn’t going to freak out at her showcase, because he’s having beef with these people, and he’s like “luv, NBD.”

Which surely means he’s gonna do something fucked up.2

Carter, Peter, and Sandoval are all going over the Mexico Shenanigans3, and Carter brings up a good point - why do the guys take James’ side over Kristen’s, when James is just as bad as Kristen and they’ve known Kristen longer? I mean, aside from Sandoval, who has plenty of reasons to hate Kristen, he makes a decent point. Sandoval, however, is convinced that something happened with Kristen because he’s given her the BOTD4 plenty of times and it’s backfired every single time.

Carter goes to talk to Kristen, who is gushing over some busser we’ve never seen’s dog5. I would rather have the rest of the episode just a live cam into Vanderpump Dogs. But alas, we can’t have whatever we want, but we do get Carter being pissed that Kristen is talking to another dude. He’s clearly drunk, but he tells Kristen that he heard that she and James were in the Jacuzzi together, and he’s pissed. She was near a body of water but not in it with James. Carter says he believes her, but she also has a history of lying to cover her ass. I can see why Kristen finds this to be hurtful. It really is.

Kristen “storms away”, but she’s on crutches, so it’s unintentionally hilarious and my favorite moment of television in 2018.

Lisa talks with Katie’s mother and grandmother, who are urgently pressing for babies. Lots and lots of Schwartz-Maloney babies. Hrm. Meanwhile for once, Schwartz isn’t blackout drunk at a party. The conversation quickly diverts to TomTom, and it’s almost as if Ariana and Billie Lee aren’t there. Ariana’s pissed about the cocktail book thing, and Tom doesn’t understand why she wasn’t being proactive. She tells him she waited for him like he wanted, but now she doesn’t want to. Ariana’s right for the first time in a while.

Jax is emotionally eating everything in the fridge alone at home. Last time he saw Kelsey the Reiki Instructor Jax is Trying to Fuck, she told him what we’ve known all along - he’s mean to Brittany because he wants Brittany to be the one to leave and he doesn’t have to do it. I mean, Stassi told us that years ago! Kelsey advises Jax that Brittany deserves to “know his truth” so she can find someone who treats her the way she deserves6. Damn, Kelsey. You might actually be doing work.

Stassi greets Brittany at the Pipes and Pippi Longstocking Party with tequila shots. It’s Stassi’s turn to try to through to Brittany about Jax, and basically says everyone in their group thinks she deserves better, and Jax is not better. Stassi, coming from a place of knowledge and experience, tells Brittany she wants her to recognize her worth. See, this is actual good advice. But Brittany still maintains that Jax is different in private, when they’re alone, they don’t see him every day so they don’t know.

Brittany’s taking lines directly from the “Are You Being Abused?” pamphlet.

Stassi doesn’t want Brittany to be wasting her best years. Brittany is going to give her all. Stassi just wants her to know that she supports Brittany, but not Brittany with Jax. I get that. I’ve been there.

We’re at Stassi’s apartment, and Patrick, a CrossFit duffle filled with cottage cheese, comes by. Finally without a man bun, and completely undeserving of the macaroni and cheese Stassi is making for him7. Stassi’s discovering the original Pinterest, vision boards, and that’s making her a really good event planner. Stassi loves the design part of event planning, but not the actual coordinating part. Patrick continues to talk down to Stassi and keeps dropping these big words to condescend to her. It’s really disgusting. She asks him how they can be consistent, and he proceeds to make fun of her cooking.

Stassi knows she upset Patrick but he literally talks about Game of Thrones and in analogies that just barely work and I zone out. Basically he’s an asshole and thinks she turns molehills into mountains. He’s a gross mansplainer and continues to be like, “we just need a happy medium”, and it doesn’t sound like he wants to do any work on his end to get there.

Over at Schwartz and Katie’s they’re eating cheese.

Barf.

They’re a year out from being marriage, things are coming up for the two of them. Tom wants six or seven dogs and a house in the Hills, which will never happen. Tom Schwartz once got so excited about the idea of eating a Fruit by the Foot he ate the plastic and almost died. This woman wants to have babies with this man.

Katie talks about her struggle with both PTSD and depression due to her fallign through a skylight almost a decade ago. She feels like she’s come over on the other side, and she had a lot of self-hatred and lost a lot of her self-worth because of it. She feels herself for the first time in a long time, and I’m not crying with Katie. I AM NOT. I AM NOT!!!!!

Even Schwartz is not a monster in this moment. God damn.

They do their wedding dance in their living room to Tom Schwartz’s own music, and I can’t. I’m so glad there’s a commercial break so I can stab whoever is cutting onions in here.

If this is all we got, then we’re good, good, is the musical cue for this next scene. And it ‘s perfect, because the human embodiment of “settling for someone” has arrived, Jax! He comes into his apartment and immediately tells Brittany he’s been unhappy. She asks why he’s making her feel like shit, and I understand why she thinks it’s about her, but she needs to sit back and let him talk right now. I HATE taking Jax’s side.

Jax effectively copy and pastes what Kelsey said to him to Brittany - she deserves someone who can give her the life she deserves, and he doesn’t think that’s him. He doesn’t think they can be together anymore, and Brittany pretends she’s blindsided. Girl, he’s been trying to tell you this for weeks and you’re not listening and instead you’re throwing a blanket over it and hoping it’ll all be okay.

Brittany’s like “we were fine,” and Jax thinks he needs to be alone and by himself in order to learn. Brittany kicks him out and is like, “Why would you do this to me after everything I’ve been through?”

Uh, Brittany. He’s trying to spare you of further heartbreak.

Brittany is so mad he’s just throwing it away like her effort was for nothing. Brittany recognizes what’s true - Jax ain’t changing any time soon.

He goes to the balcony to try to tell after her, but Brittany’s in an Uber. She gone, Jax. You finally did the right thing, though.

Next Time: Ariana’s mad that Tom puts his friends ahead of her. Jax cries again. Brittany slid into Daddy Bae Adam’s DMs. And we’re ready for Lala’s showcase!!!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: - Was Scheana in this episode at all? We got more Ariana than Scheana? - WHEN IS THIS SEASON OVER??

I want to say lipstick reviews but knowing Katie it’s like, reviews of Sour Patch Kids. ↩︎

What happened to James and his friend who was in love with him? ↩︎

Totally a drink name for TomTom. ↩︎

Benefit of the doubt. ↩︎

Gotta get that last-minute Vanderpump Dogs plug in! ↩︎

Read: PLEASE PUT HER OUT OF HER MISERY. ↩︎

Oh god, we’re STILL in Mexico?!

I mean, we didn’t leave Mexico last episode, so I don’t know why I’m surprised. We enter back at the end of James and Kristen’s fight, and we see Lala and James get angry at Stassi for her defending James. Everyone can say what’s true - Kristen needs to be the center of attention, and that’s draining. They barely even had actual dinner. Lala is livid because she’s covered in margarita, and Lala and Stassi shouldn’t be arguing about this. The guys misinterpreted what James said, and neither Lala and Stassi were witnesses. They don’t have a leg to stand on in the slightest. Stassi keeps trying to get Lala to calm down, but she’s upset.

James is crying on the phone to Raquel about what happened, and Sandoval comes over to stick his nose into things again. Tom basically is like, “this is what it LOOKS like,” and James tells him everything he remembers that night. And much like the nightmare interrogator he would be, Sandoval asks James if there’s anything he could possibly just have not remembered? There’s two hours that no one can account for their actions, and James really doesn’t have a reason to lie. Sure, saying “Why would I lie when I have a girlfriend” instead of “Why would I like about something that isn’t true”, but... you know.

I’m good at this shit.

Stassi orders a caesar salad, a margherita pizza, and a side of balsamic vinegar. Stassi is the kind of person who needs a ton of condiments, a trait I have always found odd in people1. On their last night in Mexico, Jax doesn’t understand the difference between “turning up” and getting “turnt”, and again. He’s 1000 years old. James and Lala unpack what went down with Kristen and exactly how uncool it was for her to do that. Lala says if Kristen does anything to James she’ll light Kristen’s house down. And there’s a gross conversation wherein which two white people call themselves gangsta while one of them drinks out of a literal baby’s bottle, and I am not comfortable???

Kristen arrives to throw herself a pity party with Stassi and Katie, and Katie isn’t having any of it. I hate Katie I hate Katie I hate Katie but daaaaamn, she’s right here. Kristen is wasted and Katie’s telling her she’s only making things worse for herself with her behavior. Kristen tries to get Katie to empathize with her because she should know how she feels, but Katie just thinks she’s lost the plot. Katie, who last season refuses to talk to anyone about anything or deal with her feelings in a rational manner, tells Kristen that she would have been better off just keeping a level head and talking to James instead of throwing a margarita in his face. Kristen is like, “oh, you’re mad at me for throwing a drink?”

No, Kristen, they’re mad at you because it’s hard to defend you when you act like this and even harder when you’re not justified in your behavior!!!!!!

Katie’s not going to lie to Kristen that she’s right and it hurts her to see Kristen self-sabotage. Kristen says Katie is being an asshole, and Kristen doesn’t know anything. This is entirely Kristen’s fault.

Back in West Hollywood, we’re with Lisa Vanderpump and Ken at TomTom, where they’re done putting in the foundation and now they’re putting in electric, and about six weeks away from putting in kitchen equipment. Sandoval is calling Lisa with whatever stupid idea he has today. It’s 11:32 AM, and Tom Sandoval pretends he came to Mexico to do research on mezcal. He’s also hoping that The Gang will be able to come over to see what’s happening with TomTom with a “Progress Party”. Lisa doesn’t care if she doesn’t have to work. He tells Lisa about James and Kristen possibly hooking up, and even Lisa’s like “oh, dear god, no.”

Jax calls the only woman who’s ever paid any attention to him because he’s paying her to, Kelsey, his reiki master. He ships Brittany off to do her makeup in another room, which is literally the most suspect. Boy, what kind of conversation are you having that you need me to pack up my entire battle station and go to my friend’s room to get ready?! There’s the very end of that story, in my humble opinion. Brittany doesn’t know what reiki is and basically is like “What can she do that weed can’t?”

Brittany, if you have to ask, you definitely already know the answer.

Kelsey wants to make sure that Jax is taking moments for himself, but he isn’t. He feels personally attacked by all of this. Kelsey does give the advice that “if I react, that means that I believe a part of what they’re saying is true.” Damn, Kelsey. You read Jax to filth. She wants him to focus on the good and tells him to be Nelson Mandela, someone Jax pretends to know. Nelson Mandela is from “Africa”, according to Jax Taylor, who literally used to walk across Pangea. Jax tells Kelsey he loves her(?????) and they hang up.

I’m barfing, oh my god.

They’re all packing and ready to leave Mexico, and Kristen’s mostly upset she can’t leave it all in Mexico and has to bring it back home with her. What a struggle, Kristen.

She goes with Carter, a human pair of manicured eyebrows, to dinner and talk about the Mexico trip. Kristen’s glad she went even though it was just “fine”. She tells Carter about the “rumor” James “created”, trickle-truthing the story the entire way through. Kristen apologizes because she knows being alone with James is a problem for her - she already cheated on Carter with him when they first started dating. For her to put herself in that scenario is stupid. She’s stupid for that. She’ll never live down fucking James on top of her Beemer, and no one will let her live that down. Her credibility is shot, and she understands that.

Everyone’s back at work! Scheana, Lala, and Ariana are back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, and Lisa Vanderpump has arrived in her piratey best to berate Lala for over inflating her lips with that Kylie Jenner lip sucker thing that was all the rage last summer. Lisa asks Lala how Mexico was, and Lala makes a running list of who got yelled at - Jax, Sandoval, Schwartz, Kristen, James. Lisa can’t believe they’ve all discovered that Jax is a piece of shit, and she really can’t believe that Jax is trying to whisk Brittany away after everything he’s done. Lisa’s thrilled by the idea of Jax leaving but also thinks it’s a load of shit, because Jax is a liar.

James is bringing all of his See You Next Turn Up Tuesday (SYNTUT) equipment in and somehow Raquel is carrying something despite her arms being made of blown-up plastic. James hopes no one is going to fuck with him that night, and has come to the full conclusion that whatever happened in Mexico with the boys was a dumb joke that didn’t need to be escalated to the level it was. Raquel just stands there and James talks at her about what’s true and what’s not true with James.

Meanwhile, Jax and Brittany are heading back to Sexy Unique Restaurant in the car drove when Jax was 16 and just learning to drive. Jax can’t not think about “the job” in Florida, and Brittany begs him to think about her and how this will effect her. She wants him to think everything through and he keeps being like “this is a great opportunity.” In their silences and pauses they’re both asking each other for what they want. She’s been there two years and moved there for him and she’s not sure if she just wants to uproot her life once she’s just getting comfortable. He passively aggressively asks if Brittany’s boyfriend Daddy Bae Adam is going to be there, and Brittany just wants him to get over it. He’s a nice guy. I’m biased because he’s Daddy Bae and and Jax is Daddy Bone, aka a skeleton who should be dead underground. She is happy that Jax sounds jealous2, which means Scheana’s plan worked. She didn’t want to break Jax and Brittany up, she just wanted to rattle him a bit.

Scheana, coming in with the low-key brilliance3.

Katie and Tom are standing in their tiny kitchen and Tom’s trying to decide what to eat. Stassi’s on her way over wearing a white tube top, and Katie’s planning her relaunch of her blog party. She wants to cater to influencers, or whatever it is for a blog that hasn’t been updated in over a year. They bring up Kristen, and everyone acknowledges that Kristen blew it all out of proportion. Tom thinks it was a “just the tip” scenario, and let’s be completely honest:

DJ James Kennedy, Esq. definitely has his own personal struggles with whiskey dick, am I wrong or am I right? And if he was drinking as heavily as they portray it, there ain’t no way anything happened between Kristen and James, because there’s no way it could have happened. I had enough frat boy sex in college to know this to be true.

Stassi almost thinks it happened with James and Kristen because of how hard Kristen is denying any of this happened. Stassi then tells us what she would do if Patrick cheated on her, and it reminds me so clearly of why she and I are the same person, and why I get so disappointed by her:

If she caught Patrick in Mexico with an ex-girlfriend, she would start planning a murder that would happen two years from now so she wouldn’t get caught

She would get some tinfoil and would make a little cone, put water in it, freeze it, make an ice pick, stab both of them, then let it melt, crinkle up the tinfoil, throw it away, and no one would ever be the wiser.

These. Are Two Things. I Have Said. Aloud. To Other People. About How I Like To Commit Revenge4.

At Sexy Unique Restaurant, Lisa Vanderpump immediately enters the bar like, “Where’s the Vanderpump Rose?” She has to shill whenever possible, even in her own god damn restaurant. Scheana’s celebrating her divorce and she and Rob are even considering buying a house together! She definitely knows he’s secure because she talked at him about the idea of having children. She’s been divorced six days, so he better get TO IT.

She tells Lisa about her plan to fuck with Jax, and Lisa’s glad that at least Scheana admitted she wanted to fuck with Jax. Lisa tells her that’s not the wisest path to go, but Scheana is very biblical and believes in an eye-for-an-eye. It’ll go well for her.

Montage of our beloved cast pretending they actually work at this restaurant ensues.

Lala took the early cut and gave up on money just to hang out at See You Next Turn Up Tuesday with James. Daddy Bae Adam arrives, wearing a Daddy Bae Outfit5, and Bloated Corpse That Inspired Daniel Radcliffe In That Movie Where He Had To Portray A Bloated Corpse Jax Taylor goes to confront him about something Adam really was barely involved in. Jax, who definitely shows up to work when he’s not scheduled to work for free drinks, doesn’t understand why Adam is there when he’s not scheduled to be. Jax is like, “oh, you have a crush on my girlfriend?”

Jax is so coked out, it’s amazing. Adam flat out denies having a crush on Brittany, just that Scheana invited him out when Adam was hanging out with Jax at his apartment. So Adam left Jax and his friends to go hang out with Scheana, NBD. Jax tries to pull the “you’re in my home, you’re a friend, you should have told me.” Adam’s literally like “I’m not getting in the middl-” and Jax is like “SCHEANA’S A MESS, RIGHT? Divorced, pissing on dudes who don’t want hers’ legs’, what a disaster.”

At least Jax apologizes for this nothing burger of an argument. Adam is not who his anger should be towards. It should be inward.

At See You Next Turn Up Tuesday, Ariana is fully prepared to The Bartender Hustle. She’s up on the bar, pouring shots into people’s mouths, looking snatched as hell, ready to get enough money to Indecent Proposal herself. I hope to one day have enough physical cash to roll around in a bed of it. Tom is DTF, and I don’t… blame… him. I am devastatingly homosexual. Scheana, Katie, and Brittany are off the clock, and they’re taking shots at the bar. Jax tells Brittany about Scheana trying to hook Adam up with Brittany, and Brittany’s like, “okay, she shouldn’t have done that,” and Jax is mostly upset that she doesn’t care. “Like, is that okay? She’s trying to set you up with someone else while that person is in my house?”

It’s not a big deal, Jax. Nothing happened, so it’s not like it matters. Brittany keeps reminding him that they work there, he needs to calm down, and she didn’t do anything. Jax expects Brittany to say something to Scheana about it, and Brittany refuses because - yeah, it’s not her problem.

Ariana sits with James and asks him about the Mysterious Pillow Arrangement that Jax considers the smoking gun in the The Case Of Banging The DJ. James insists that it’s nothing - he asked Jax for pillows so he could sleep next to the pool. I can’t imagine being drunk enough that I would want to risk passing out and rolling into a pool, but these people are not Einsteins. The story from Jax is completely different than the one told by James - according to James, Kristen was on her phone, listening to Fleetwood Mac, and Schwartz was being a drunk babbler. I mean, this sounds more accurate, and something I can actually visualize. James still maintains that this was Jax’s attempt to defect from his own behavior. I’m not sure if I buy into that entire theory, but it has more weight than Jax’s does, for sure.

Jax comes to join them and sits down with Scheana. He tries for five seconds to pretend to be nice, but immediately is like “you’re my friend, you brought him into my home, and you tried to set her up with him?” Scheana continues to be like “It wasn’t a set up.”6 Scheana wanted to boost Brittany’s confidence and even give a look into the life she could have without him. Everyone tells Jax he fucked up and he doesn’t have an argument here.

Isn’t Jax on the clock? Find me a bar that would let a bartender leave for this long on a busy Tuesday night.

Jax comes over to James and compliments him on the night, and James isn’t having any of it. Meanwhile, Lala’s literally just standing there making the “make it rain” motion, and I’m crying laughing at Lala. James is mad that Jax perpetuated the rumor with Kristen, and Jax keeps being like, “Oh, can I talk about the people I fucked and then be like, oh, I was drunk!” You do that, Jax. You actually do that. Lala keeps interjecting because Jax really ain’t shit for this one.

Jax is mad this all turning around on him, but that’s the way it should be. Ken and Lisa come in and Jax is so coked-out and so laser-focused, he doesn’t even see his bosses enter. Lala refuses to continue the argument while Ken and Lisa are around, and Lisa is like, “Jax, you haven’t even acknowledged me.”

It’s like the etiquette classes Jax took in 1875 meant nothing.

As soon as Lisa does this, Jax flips out. He’s tired of everyone holding him accountable, or what he calls “flipping the script”. He’s mad his plans to deflect away from his behavior aren’t working this season, and that’s massively unacceptable to him. He gives a double-middle-finger fuck you to all of the Sexy Unique Restaurant staff, and flips out to Lisa’s face because of what happened. In front of the bar. Where he works.

Again, why does Jax have a job?! He’s screaming at his boss about his own behavior in front of the bar where he is a bartender!!!!! Ken rightfully steps up and tells him no, he can’t talk to Lisa alone, because Jax is screaming and Ken doesn’t want him screaming at his wife. Lisa has no interest in what Jax has to tell her. And in response, Jax stands at the host podium with his middle finger up. Lisa calls him arrogant and says he’s acting like a baby.

Jax: “You’re not listening to me.” Lisa: “I am listening, I just don’t like what I’m hearing.”

Lisa. Vanderpump. Won. This. Argument. I’m saving this line in my back pocket.

Lisa tells Jax to leave, and he refuses to leave. He says its unfair, and even with Sandoval steps in, Jax still doesn’t understand… well, Jax isn’t making any kind of sense.

Jax storms off because for once he can’t charm his way out of a scenario - he’s outnumbered on everything he tries to start. Jax throws his mic on the ground, looks directly at the camera, and throws a tantrum on the streets of West Hollywood. He looked directly at the camera in that way that says “oh my god, my narrative isn’t working the way I wanted it to.” Or even, “oh my god, you guys SAID I would be the hero this season.” This is anger that’s projected elsewhere.

Next Time: Katie’s... Pamper and Potty party? Lala loves balls in her mouth, so does Raquel. James is so proud Raquel can fit both of his balls in her mouth like that isn’t an indicator of a small appendage. Carter’s pissed at Jax and Tom Sandoval, and Sandoval still thinks something happened. Brittany tells Jax his behavior wasn’t okay, and Jax still is determined to defend himself. Stassi feels (correctly) that Brittany is wasting her best years on Jax, but Brittany’s still optimistic, so that’s why Jax is going to try to get Brittany to break up with him.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: - Conspiracy: Kristen and Schwartz hooked up. - Holy shit, Lisa’s face when Lala told Brittany about Jax’s “job”. She was actually horrified at the entire notion. - Jax trying to assert his masculinity to be taller than Adam and having it backfire on him will sustain me for the rest of time. - Jax hates himself, hates this show, hates Brittany, hates Sexy Unique Restaurant, hates his entire life, and he knew what his edit would be this season, hence his coked-out tantrum in this episode. - I miss Suck A Dick Diana. - Lala, don’t use “Ghetto” as an insult while you’re calling yourself Tupac come back from the grave. Systemic and casual racism is real. - Katie is being so calculated with her behavior this season. She really got fucked up from last season.

Then again if you forget my honey mustard, barbecue, and ranch with my chicken tenders I will rip your head off. ↩︎

Imagine your boyfriend showing you absolutely no kind of emotion to the point where you’re happy he’s jealous. Imagine. Rachel Bloom got it right when she talked about love kernels]. ↩︎

Like, the lowest key. Of all the low keys. We’re talking 16.5 Hz. ↩︎

Being a Cancer is so fucking real, I cannot. ↩︎

Seriously - a guy in a backwards cap and a denim jacket does it for ya girl. Daddy Baaaae. ↩︎

We already know this episode is going to be crazy because as Katie, Stassi and Kristen sit down on the beach, the on-screen chyron says:

Thursday, 2:13 PM.

Bravo only gives us a proper time-stamp when they want us to keep aware of the time. Yas, Bravo.

Stassi is thrilled she got sleep in until 1:30 PM and Kristen did nothing to disturb her. It’s a modern miracle from the way they’re all acting. However, Katie’s got something to mention - when Schwartz came back from golfing, he told Katie that Kristen and James hooked up.

Fade to black.

Twelve hours earlier.

I AM SCREAAAAAAAAMING THIS SHOW IS FANTASTIC.

We resume back with Jax, Scheana and Brittany, where Jax is about to disappear and angry put cocaine up his nose or something. He’s mad about Daddy Bae Adam and Scheana’s meddling and he’s gotta deal with it somehow. Meanwhile, the group is getting fucked up on blue drinks1. James goes to harass an actual DJ and speak mediocre Spanish and see if this dude will let him press buttons on his iPad for a bit so the DJ can take a break. He gives the DJ a thumbdrive to play James’ music, and the gang freaks out.

I guess James brought Turn Up Tuesday to SUR Mexico. However, we must remember... it’s Wednesday/Thursday morning.

Jax thinks James’ music is just noise, and I hate agreeing with Jax. But he’s right. He does give James credit where credit is due in terms of getting the party started. So does Kristen, even. They all congratulate James on being an international DJ. I can only assume they mean international in the way that IHOP means international.

Kristen gathers all her ex-boyfriends and everyone she’s had sex with over in a corner and I realize that’s almost all of the men there, save for Schwartz2. Everyone is in agreement: seeing Kristen and James being all chummy and friendly is weird. We barely saw footage of Kristen and James’ relationship when it was good, so this is especially jarring. The gang gathers themselves to leave the club - Jax steals a bottle of alcohol - and James is on top of the world now that he’s an International DJ and everything.

The next morning, everyone’s in bed, except James and Kristen, who aren’t in their beds! Jax brings up Scheana’s meddling to Brittany again, which is how you know he’s hella pissed off about it, and Brittany can’t find a fuck to give.

Anyway, this morning, Kristen and James went out alone at 7:30 in the morning drinking tequila by the pool. Jax is convinced that they hooked up on the basis of pillows. He knows exactly what he saw, and he looked very hard to find proof. Slim proof, but his idea of proof might just work with these people.

Back in Beverly Hills, we’re at Villa Rosa, Ken brought Lisa another fucking dog. I’m really genuinely concerned for Lisa and her hoarding of dogs. She makes the lovely comparison of how James is much like a stray dog they took in and he’s better now. Lisa claims she’s going to keep the dog for a few days and give the dog back to Vanderpump Dogs.

Honestly, I feel like if you open a closet at Lisa Vanderpump’s house 40 dogs will fall out.

The transition music can be best described as “off-brand Smooth by Santana”, which makes me want to die inside, if I’m being quite honest. Remember how that song won the major three Grammys? REMEMBER? I was eight years old and even I knew that song was trash. So this one is just perfect for this show. Kristen has finally made it to her bed, and Sandoval is… well, Sandoval is getting dressed in a manner only a man who’s drinking tequila straight from the bottle before going golfing in the morning. He’s wearing a white polo with some kind of black pattern, and red plaid pants.

A grown man in red plaid pants.

He’s never played golf, but at least he looks as drunk as the old white men who do.

Tom Schwartz remembers very little from the previous night. He remembers blurs and bits and pieces, which is going to be great when he’s going golfing the next day. Lala accepts a giant bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend. Scheana tries not to salivate in anger and claims not to really be a flower person. She thinks flowers are basic and she doesn’t like presents and much prefers affection. That’s hilarious, considering Rob and Scheana aren’t into making out either, so she’s in clear denial and I love it.

Over where the boys are golfing, Schwartz and James are hungover. Not even hungover, these boys are still wasted from the night before because they barely went to sleep. None of the guys know anytihng about golfing, but they’re definitely going to do what they know, which is heavy drinking. Sandoval is especially awful. James is driving on the course, which you’re not supposed to do in the golf course.

Jax takes all of the guys aside, other than James, and tells his conspiracy of the pillows and Kristen. All the guys think that James and Kristen hooked up. Tom Sandoval asks James “Did you hang out with Kristen last night?”

HANG OUT. HANG OUT. I watched it three times. The first without looking at the caption, the second with the caption, and a third just to make sure. Tom Sandoval said “hang out”. When I “hang out” with someone, there ain’t no implication there. James responds “A little bit, but not really.” All the guys are like OH MY GOD. Jax feels vindicated. James accuses Jax of deflecting, and James is deflecting the whole idea of cheating on Raquel. James claims he took a nap next to Jax’s pool. James vehemently denies doing any of this.

Poor James got his feelings hurt and the guys definitely don’t believe him. James is too drunk to be dealing with this and any of the accusations. He’s like, “I told you about Scheana and Brittany, and this is what you do?” He’s cry-drunk. My favorite. I love crying drunk.

Scheana and Brittany are getting massages, and Scheana wants to make it clear to Brittany that she can do better and Jax takes advantage of her kindness. She says she “deserves” to do it, which, no one really deserves to destroy someone else’s relationship - but that’s just me. Regardless of who else did anything. Brittany shares Jax’s theory of what happened with James and Kristen, and Scheana’s baffled. There’s no way.

Right?

Kristen gets in the shower, and does Kristen have matching tiger paw tattoos over her butt? Like, on either side of her hips, on the back side, she has two tiger paw tattoos. Some people, I swear to god.

Lala and Ariana join a berothed3 Scheana and Brittany in the spa for gossip and bellinis4 and do my favorite activity: Talk Shit About The Night Before. They all went to bed before 7:00 AM, except Kristen and James. Lala’s convinced they didn’t have sex, but something probably happened, because they were vibing each other the night before really hard. None of the girls think she would have done it, but also don’t believe Kristen wouldn’t... not not do it. Considering her history and everything. And the truth is that if Jax knows, there’s only five minutes before Carter and Raquel find out.

Back in West Hollywood at the Tom Tom site, Lisa is having Vanderflashes becuse it’s hot as hell there. She doesn’t know why Tom and Tom are in Mexico and not overseeing the work site with Lisa5. These contractually obligated scenes of Lisa Vanderpump get more and more shoehorned in every week. Basically they’re discussing the group in Mexico and Lisa is still baffled that Brittany lets Jax get away with murder and rewards Jax’s behavior. Ken makes an analogy to Ken and Lisa’s early relationship, when Ken was a bit of a scoundrel and up to no good on a regular basis. Isn’t Lisa lucky?

We return back to the opening of the episode, where Stassi, Katie, and Kristen are getting to the nitty gritty - did Kristen hook up with James? Kristen calls bullshit, and Tom told Katie that James said it happened. Stassi tells Kristen she should know better than to be drunk alone with James because this always happens, and Kristen calls out how victim-blamey that is. Her entire goal was to make sure Tom Schwartz wasn’t a wasted mess, and there’s a pretty decent chance she blacked out. She isn’t sure.

We get a gorgeous montage of all the lies Kristen has told, though.

Kristen’s mad and doesn’t want the entire concept to be entertained. She would never cheat on Carter, but even Stassi’s like “uh, remember when you lied to us for an entire summer that you had sex with Jax?” She doesn’t have the best track record going in. Kristen’s mad as hell, especially that her best friends are the ones haranguing her about it.

The rest of the gang joins them, and Kristen immediately asks them what the hell is going on. Like, they don’t even have a chance to put towels down before starting in on them. Jax tells Kristen James admitted to it, and Kristen continues to deny it. And lucky for them, James is passed out in his hotel room! Kristen quickly diverts to how drunk Tom Schwartz was the night before and how he disappeared from the property the night before. He wondered onto the other resort, far enough away that he needed a ride back. He thinks nothing of it, even though the fact that this grown man blacked out and got lost by himself. Because Tom Schwartz is irresponsible and should not be trusted with a fork, let alone an entire restaurant.

James wakes up from his midday nap, hungover and blinding himself with a reading lap. Peter tells James what happened when Kristen found out. James thinks Jax just wants everyone else around him to be unhappy and that’s why he’s trying to ruin his own relationship. James is happy Kristen’s mad, but not that Kristen’s mad at him. This is totally a telephone-game situation, and if it really didn’t happen, turning against James is not the smartest move for Kristen.

All the guys are getting dressed in their short suits except Jax, who is 147 years old and entirely made of flammable fabric and is totally the guy who takes advantage of “casual attire”. Don’t invite Jax to your events. He will show up looking schlubby as hell. In Kristen and Stassi’s room, Kristen has heard from James, and nothing James can say will get Kristen off his back. She believes he confirrmed this, and even saying otherwise isn’t enough.

The group heads down and I’m not mad at Jax for not wearing his suit to dinner. Turns out they’re obnoxious polyester suits Sandoval brought with him, and Sandoval is sad that only he and James wound up wearing them6. Jax knows he would be a pile of sweat and cocaine in that suit, so he’s making the one good decision he makes a year and doesn’t wear it. They sit down to dinner at a gorgeous restaurant and the tension in the air is thicc, gurl. James knows Kristen is pissed, Tom Schwartz is drunk enough to want Chili’s and/or Olive Garden7, and Stassi feels insecure in her relationship becuase everyone’s in contact with their partners out of town. She and Patrick have been fighting because she forgot to text him when she arrived.

Is this where we are as a society? I have heard so many times of partners or people being interested in other people getting upset about things on social media and not replying to a text, and I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something wrong with me that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if my boyfriend didn’t immediately text me upon landing. As long as I heard from him, that’s fine. Patrick is trash, however, and this is a fact we know to be true.

Kristen is seething. Like, the kind of seething where any time James says anything, she bares her hind teeth and clenches her jaw. I’ve been this kind of angry, and it’s not fun. Sandoval and Schwartz invite the gang to Tom Tom to see the space when they get back, and they all cheer to Tom Tom8. Kristen gets up and toasts to everyone, including James for saying they hooked up. James continues to deny saying it, Jax and the boys continue to maintain that he said what they wanted to hear, and Kristen believes them over James. None of them know anything because there’s two of them and people who say things happened that they weren’t there for based on shoddy evidence. Poor Kristen. Poor James. This escalated when it didn’t need to9. Katie claims not to have sympathy who act like children, which is hilarious because she’s married to Tom Schwartz, who five minutes ago was crying out for chicken tenders.

James rightfully calls it a misunderstanding, and Kristen calls him a piece of shit in response. James, recognizing this is a losing battle, tells Kristen he DGAF and she can believe whatever she wants. Kristen loses it, throws her cocktail in his face, and half-heartedly apologizes to Lala for getting the backsplash. James berates her on the way out and calls her names, and Kristen’s like, “You call got to see the real James!” Stassi’s trying to stick up for Kristen for some reason, and even Scheana, who never is the voice of reason, tells Kristen James was trying to apologize for what the guys claimed he said, taking ownership of something he didn’t have to, and she called him a piece of shit for it.

Next Week: Lala bruised her lips and they’re over plumped now. Kristen tells Carter abut the rumor, and it’s Turn Up See You Next Tuesday, where Jax Taylor is going to lose his mind.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: - Did anyone else see that Keith Haring mural on the wall when the gang was gathering up to leave the club? That’s the classiest this show will ever get. - No one should EVER give Jax a detective procedural. - Lisa Vanderpump would have her own personal pink construction hat. I wonder if she has the entire ensemble, like a work belt and a face shield. - James will never be a true part of this group. - OF COURSE Lisa Vanderpump wound up keeping that dog! It looks just like Ken! - That scene of Kristen in the shower was overgratuitious for a reason, right? Like, “this girl is such a hussy, let’s show her entire naked body on cable above the watershed, that’ll show her guilt!” - Damn, Schwartz has a binge drinking issue. - Jax has called Brittany fat a thousand times, he can’t get mad at James for doing so.

I went out with my friend to this amazing bar known for their boozy slushies, and mine was blue. I do not remember the rest of the night. If a cocktail is an unnatural color, tread carefully. You wouldn’t want to Amanda it the fuck up. ↩︎

How did Peter get... all of these women? ↩︎

Get it? Cause they’re wearing robes. I’m the best. Oh my god. ↩︎

You can tell from the color of the cocktail. I know the difference between a mimosa and a bellini. ↩︎

Hasn’t she worked really hard to make it clear that Tom and Tom should have nothing to do with overseeing the design and ambiance of TomTom, a bar they only own a respective 5 percent of? ↩︎

That’s not what Sandoval says, though. He tells us he brought suits for “all the guys” and that Schwartz and Jax backed out at the last minute. What about Peter? Peter isn’t wearing a suit. Does Peter not count? ↩︎

This is drunk enough for me to have concern. ↩︎

I love the crickets that play after Jax says they don’t want him as head bartender because of his new job. Yeah, Jax. That’s definitely it. ↩︎

I feel bad for the employees of the Andaz Mayakoba, because no amount of money is worth the emotional strife and abuse the Vanderpump Rules cast will put them under. We return to Mexico, where Stassi is emphatically saying that she will never, ever let Brittany move to Floriday with Jax and his fake job. She tells Lala that yes, she understands being in love with someone and wanting to be with them, but Jax is not worth any of that.

Lala shakes her head in disgust. Lala is correct.

Meanwhile, back at the table, Jax and The Toms are dipping because they’re tired of being held accountable for their actions, so they’re leaving and no one’s going to stop them. I mean, no one was, but still.

Stassi and Lala are joined by Katie and a clearly wasted Kristen, who are both so proud of them for standing up to Jax, who basically thinks he’s the Jesus the Redeemer but is more like Touchdown Jesus1. Kristen has essentially had an IV full of tequila since she started packing her suitcase for the trip to Mexico. She was pregaming the pregame for the pregame. It’s hilarious and also terrifying because people don’t talk nearly enough about alcohol use disorder2. Stassi’s mostly annoyed because she knew this was going to happen, but it’s okay because they’re going skinny-dipping, which notoriously saves everything.

Remember last time Lala went skinnydipping and Katie freaked out because Schwartz might have possibly seen a boob and we all know Schwartz is a sexual deviant with absolutely no self-control and cannot be trusted? Now Katie’s inviting Lala to go skinnydipping. Oh, how things change3.

Back at the hotel, Ariana, James Kennedy, Jax and The Toms are providing some dental insurer a moment of joy, because James is using his teeth to open beer bottles. That’s correct - BottleS. The British relationship with teeth is a fascinating one to me. Sandoval asks Jax if he’s really leaving, and Jax says that yes, definitely. James reminds him that Brittany loves him and he can’t really imagine she’s going to just, like, give it all up for him, right?

Jax actually thinks there’s no way Brittany’s not coming with him. Like, Jax can’t imagine a reason why she wouldn’t.

I have never hated Jax more in this moment.

He cheated on her, and instead of trying to get her respect back, he expects her to be patient while he works on himself. And any kind of dissent from him is her not supporting him on his journey towards self-improvement, and he might be triggered and cheat on her again, which will be her fault. And instead of doing the right thing and listening to her family, Brittany thinks she can buy his love and affection back. I don’t feel bad for her anymore. I did, but she can’t look back at this or listen to all the people telling her what’s going on and really expect a positive result. She has to break up with him.

Every woman who has broken up with Jax is better off in the end. Just look at Laura-Leigh.

James tries to defend Brittany and Jax asks for a ‘break’. I’ll give you a fuckin’ break, Jax. (insert breaking body-part joke here). They’re having a boys’ night! Never mind that Ariana’s there, it’s about the boys! They pass around a bottle of Don Julio and god, Tom Schwartz is disheveled in a manner I have actually never seen on a man that attractive before. I’ve never had someone stomp on my lady boner so vigorously. James is having a bunch of fun, but he knows all about Scheana and her plan to break up Jax and Brittany by hooking Brittany up with Adam4. He’s not gonna do that, though. He wants to have a good ass night.

Back with on the beach with Lala, Stassi, Katie and Kristen, Brittany has joined them, and they’re gonna get butt naked to go on the ocean. They’re running down the dock and Kristen falls and trips in the sand. I have been Kristen several times. When you’re mostly limbs, life is hard. Kristen is literally slurring her words and might be too drunk to exist. Lala gets fully naked and everyone else doesn’t, but they do touch nipples. I imagine this is the 2018 version of Blood Brothers, but with an even higher likelihood of catching a disease5.

Oh, we’re back in the States as Sexy Unique Restaurant. We’re going through the standard motions of promotion - Lisa greeting tables, Billie Lee pretending they have a table at 7:00, the standard. Billie Lee had a good time on her date.

That’s all we get from that scene.

I should write 45 paragraphs on what occurred next, but to sum it up simply, Lala puts warm milk and honey in to a baby’s bottle and drinks it in bed like an actual baby. This is far from the worst thing I’ve ever seen on this show and considering Lala has a daddy/babygirl fetish from what I can gather, I’m the last person to kink-shame. Also, I sleep with a stuffed dog who is so fluffy and nice that I really can’t tell someone how to get ready for bed.

But she calls it a “baba”. A BABA. Lala, I love you so much6.

Over at Katie and Tom’s, they’re both wasted and Tom Schwartz honestly looks like a ziploc bag of warm mayonnaise. He’s spilling pizza in bed and it’s falling out of his mouth and wearing a purple Hawaiian shirt. Katie pretends this is so cute, because at least if he’s wasted and blacks out and makes out with another girl it’ll be her! What a great and stable relationship they have. It’s to the point where Tom Schwartz doesn’t even *sound * like Tom Schwartz. He sounds like an actual child when he’s talking and it’s not cute. Stassi comes over and immediately climbs into bed with the Moloney-Schwartzes because Schwartz pushes her in. Stassi felt bad interrupting the two of them but Kristen is a ball of drunken anxiety chainsmoking in their hotel room and Stassi can’t be a part of that.

Apparently Kristen’s really hard to travel with, to the point where Kristen was yelling at Stassi because clearly it’s Stassi’s fault Kristen came to Mexico. On their trip to Copenhagen the fall previously Kristen’s darkest timeline personality emerged and she lost her god damn mind. Lost her mind so deeply three of them left her in Copenhagen and went to Paris. If someone left me in Dennmark, I don’t know what I’d do. Stassi just wants to go to sleep in her own bed, and the Moloney-Schwartzes invite her to join them in their bed full of pizza crumbs from when Tom Schwartz was babybirding it. Stassi, you’re better off sleeping on the beach.

The next morning, Tom and Ariana are arguing over whose alarm is going off. They all went to bed as the sun was coming up, but they’ve got places to be. Stassi’s considering not going, but they’ll all suck it up.

Out on the beach, Jax is fingering a rock (literally) and he wants peace. He thinks people are fighting because of his job offer and not because he’s a self-centered disaster of a person. He thinks he’s taken a beating and is touching a negativity rock that was given to him by Kelsey.

Honestly, Jax seems like the type to join Scientology. I love how stupid he actually is. Negativity rocks, my ass.

James didn’t fly to Mexico to not get turned up, so he’s the only one in the van who’s still drunk and living from the night before. He’s already planning his drink for when he gets back to the hotel. The water park is enormous and actually looks like a fun time. James refuses to share the drink he’s sharing with Lala. Why would you ever share a drink with him, Lala?! James is totally the friend who asks for a “tiny bit” of your drink or food and then takes half of it. Lala, like me, is afraid of birds, and Brittany takes a picture with a bunch of parrots. I screamed in horror. I think my fear of birds literally comes from reading about how Alfred Hitchcock threw birds at Tippi Hendren during filming of The Birds. I am with both Lala and Stassi, birds are a fuckin hell no.

Ariana asks Stassi how the previous night was, and then when Stassi gives her an honest answer, Ariana makes fun of her. Stassi and Kristen fought when all Stassi wanted to do was sleep and somehow that personally effects Ariana. I don’t think Stassi’s requests for Kristen were out of line. Kristen can find another place to party after 2 am that wasn’t their hotel room!!!!

Jax is terrified that someone might actually have to come save him like when he nearly drowned in Big Bear. I hate that lifeguards exist solely to save people because I would definitely have paid $50 to that lifeguard who saved Jax to turn a blind eye7. Meanwhile, Kristen is sitting with Scheana and she’s mad at Stassi for not staying in their hotel room the night before. Kristen’s mad that Stassi is blaming her for being a drunk mess and thinks she’s being a stubborn bitch. I mean, I guess, Kristen?

Kristen asks Stassi where she stayed the night before, and she tells her she was at Katie’s because she didn’t want to be in her room. Kristen accuses her of throwing a drunken temper tantrum and how she never gets mad at Stassi and just lets it go and it’s hilarious. Meanwhile, te other grils are observing and try to figure out what’s going on. I get that Kristen wants Stassi to take more accountability and even asks her to. Kristen acknowleges that she doesn’t like to leave her bubble and gets anxious (so do I) but Stassi just got mad at her for it instead of having one inch of compassion for that. This is a weird non-argument argument. Moving on.

Oh, look at our gang, playing in the water! Floating! Brittany found a family of lemurs and Jax is like “pfft, I met the very first primate back when I l ived on Pangea,” because Jax is actually one billion years old. Jax saw the Big Bang. Jax isolated himself and Brittany feels bad that Jax feels isolated because of the previous night’s events. Brittany thinks he did deserve to get read to filth for his behavior but she’s proud of him for keeping a level head and not letting the steroids get to him as usual. Jax truly believed that Brittany was on board with the whole Florida thing, but he never... asked... her. Jax can think of all the pros for him, but he’s not taking her thoughts into consideration. It’s not a quick decision unlike Jax wants it to be.

More sports in water! Cliffs to jump off! Zip lining! Yadda yadda! Tom wants to stay in Mexico forever and honestly Mexico would rather pay for Donald Trump’s wall if it meant keeping out Tom Schwartz8. Kristen has disappeared and no one knows where she is, and Stassi can’t be bothered to find a single fuck to give about it. Stassi doesn’t feel safe in her hotel room because Kristen’s such a ball of anxiety and she’s very upset about it.

James is tryig to get along with everyone, but especially Jax. He goes to Jax and basically tells him about Scheana’s plan to hook Daddy Bae Adam up with Brittany and tear Jax and Brittany apart. Jax is pissed off, but he’s trying to keep calm. He doesn’t understand why Scheana’s butting her nonexistent butt into the situation, he didn’t do that to her.

Uh. Maybe not with Shay, but...

Back at the hotel, James is masturbating with his steamer. I mean, he’s making the motions whilst steaming his clothes. Tom Schwartz hilariously compares his body to Conor McGregor, and ...uh, Tom Schwartz is not in his prime modeling days anymore. That’s all I gotta say. Lala’s boyfriend misses her, but Scheana’s being present and turned her phone off. She’s not getting Wi-Fi, but then she caved ASAP and FaceTimes Rob. Rob is like “I’m driving, who are you?”

Even Lala, who was dating a married man, sees through this.

Things are still weird between Kristen and Stassi. When Kristen’s nervous while traveling she relies on Xanax and edibles and can’t help it. That’s all we get.

Oh, we’re inexplicably at Villa Rosa where Lisa Vanderpump is making a pasta recipe? Oh god. She talks to Ken about where The Gang is and how The Toms have kind of figured it out in terms of responsiblity. Sandoval moreso than Schwartz, who is basically a drunk dog. That’s all we get because Lisa Vanderpump is contractually obligated to be on every episode of this show.

Jax is being Brittany’s “personal bartender”, which is a terrible idea. Jax confronts Brittany about Scheana’s intentions with Adam, and Brittany DGAF. She doesn’t think it’s a big deal Adam has a crush on her, because he knows she’s with Jax, so it doesn’t matter. Brittany is smart. This isn’t a big deal. She didn’t tell Jax becuase it didn’t matter. Jax started all of this, so Brittany’s not going to extend it. Jax thinks it’s shitty of Scheana to do this - it is - but he regularly talks shit about Scheana.

They go out on the town for dinner, and they’re going to SUR Mexico. It’s not actually Sexy Unique Restaurant, but they all can’t get over that there would be another SUR. They talk about how Tom Schwartz used to never be able to sit next to Lala, and Lala’s curious of the relationship between Jax and James. James wants Jax’s friendship so badly and Jax is bored. Both Stassi and Scheana are dating older man, and we get an amazing back-and-forth montage of Scheana bragging about Rob and how handy he is - “he can put up a TV in under seven minutes” - and it’s hilariously tragic. I love that Scheana has nothing more to contribute to the conversation other than RobTalk.

They’re all over it. They never want to hear about Rob again. Sandoval calls Lisa Vanderpump, and she definitely doesn’t have his name in her contacts. Tom Schwartz, who is her business partner, doesn’t have Lisa Vanderpump’s phone number. She gave you a show, Tom. You can ask. Sandoval and Jax go to the bathroom together probably to do cocaine. Once they’re done with that, Jax tells Tom about Scheana’s intentions to split up Jax and Brittany, and Tom is mad for reasons I’m not clear on.

Back at the table, Lala invited James to tell them all about his life. James was really bullied when he was growing up, to the point where people broke his leg. They’d call him gay, then make fun of his looks, and then the bullying turned physical. Even Kristen can acknowledge that the bullying created the adult James we know today, and that makes a lot of sense. Scheana stands up and does a toast to Brittany to thank her for the trip, and then tells Jax he better appreciate Brittany as much as she appreciated him.

Jax is pissed.

The gang walks through the town and buys both cowboy hats and penis flutes. I now want to go to Playa del Carmen. This group doesn’t get blacked out and sloppy, unless it’s Schwartz, who even after a nearly a quarter-century of drinking, still hasn’t quite got it down pat. Sandoval sits down next to Scheana and immediately starts asking her about what her plans were with Adam, and why is this Sandoval’s issue? Keep your nose the fuck out, Sandoval.

Jax joins them and Scheana explains what went down again. Jax hopes all the bartender thinks his girlfriend is hot, what his issue is was that Scheana was trying to set them up. Scheana wouldn’t react well if Jax did the same thing and Scheana is still like “you shouldn’t have started a rumor about my boyfriend,” which... Jax didn’t do. Jax needs to get to the bottom of all of this, and Brittany comes over to play referee. Jax is drunk and projecting and he’s freaking out for no reason. Sure, what Scheana did wasn’t great, but it’s miles away from the worst thing Jax has ever done.

He flat out says, “Listen, if you wanted to leave me, you would have left a long time ago.” See? I told you. He really believes that Brittany will never leave him and he can continue to treat her like shit because of that.

When she gets upset by hat statement, Jax walks away.

Next Week: Ken brought Lisa a new dog! James can’t drive a golf car. Katie & Tom are fighting because Schwartz blacked out. James didn’t cheat on his girlfriend and he’s gonna get into it with Kristen. Again. HELLLLLLL YES.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: * So Kristen was clearly coked up and out of her mind and yelling at Stassi, right? * Of course Scheana is the type to think replacing one man with another man is a “confidence boost”. * Scheana is getting revenge for Jax just repeating what he heard, LOLOL. She is so stupid. * This was a weird episode.

Touchdown Jesus was legendary, and the day after I drove past Him on I-94, he got hit by lightning. I’m hoping to extend the same courtesy to Jax. ↩︎

An actual disease, but essentially it’s not alcoholism because it’s not a craving. Instead, it’s the people who keep drinking after everyone else has stopped. I wonder if reality television has caused a rise in alcohol use disorder. ↩︎

My favorite part is how blatant The Taco Bell-stics have made befriending Lala now that she’s the fan favorite. ↩︎

Also, Adam’s last name is Spott. SPOTT. I hope he has zero intentions of going into acting because he will be nothing compared to who I consider the most talented actor of his generation. ↩︎

I almost made a grosser joke here. ↩︎

Literally, this is her self-soothing method. I love it. ↩︎

My hatred for Jax is REAL now. I wish a bird had pecked out his eyes. ↩︎

Every single episode I wonder how they’re going to top the generic musical intros they use on this show, but here we are - this week, it’s simply “na, na, na, nah, nah.” Also known as, my approach to writing this blog lately!

Apologies. I’ve gone through a lot in the last few months. I’m back, I promise. Just in time for the finale, of course!

OF COURSE.

We start in West Hollywood in Tom and Ariana’s apartment, where Ariana is dreading going to hair removal. Ariana is teaching Tom the basic essentials to hair removal, and Sandoval is straight up shocked you don’t roll up there with a full bush and they just buzz through it like some kind of laser lawn mower. No, you have to be fully shaved, closely shaved, so they can access the hair follicle more easily. If they could superimpose an NBC “The More You Know” rainbow over this entire scene, that would be fantastic.

Ariana’s working on body positivity and #embracinghervagina, but it’s a slow process of both undoing that hatred and gaining some sense of self-love there. Hopefully one day she’ll love her vagina as much as she should. Sandoval loved their trip to Vegas because it was like, an adult trip - he wasn’t black out drunk the entire time, just like, 75% of the time. Who cares if Lisa had to kick Tom and Tom out of a meeting because they were out of control and being annoying? Not Sandoval! He showed up, and that’s what matters. I wonder how Tom pays his rent with the brownie points he’s getting.

Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the Generic Music cue is “Oh, Superstitilous”.

Can someone. Tell me. What “Superstitilous” means.

I cannot think of a sentence where I would need to combine “superstitious” and “delicious” into one word. I literally have tried to for the last hour. Like, maybe if it’s the Boston Marathon or something and you’re eating pasta? “This pasta is so superstitilous, I hope it brings me good luck tomorrow.”

I’m trying, y’all.

DJ James Kennedy, CBE, and Raquel, his squeak-toy-turned-girlfriend, are over at Sexy Unique Restaurant. James is putting on a jacket because his father is coming by and he wants to give off the vibe of being Very Smart. James, a jacket can only do so much for you. It’s his dad’s first time coming to visit after getting divorced frrom his mother, and his father is just as much of a British stereotype as you can think of. His dad is a less attractive Robbie Coltrane1 with worse teeth. He’s wearing sunglasses that can only be described as Creepy Manager Chic, and a baseball cap and a black polo.

It’s like they yanked him straight out of 24 Hour Party People2. We’re reminded that James was surrounded by music growing up - not only did his dad manage George Michael, but he was a DJ himself. He is also a grown man wearing an ear cuff.

James’ dad has no idea what his son’s drink of choice is, or that James cannot drink while on the job. James said his dad isn’t a bad influence, he just doesn’t understand why James can’t work and drink at the same time. Raquel continues to be like “if Lisa catches you with a drink, you’re donzo.” Speaking of, Lisa arrives for this week’s contracted meddling. She talks with Billie Lee, and then talks to James and his dad. Ken’s known Andreas (James’s dad), forever, but Lisa only knows him through George Michael, she’s keen to remind us.

Scheana and Lala3 meet with Brittany at Hooters, where they’re celebrating Jax’s 83rd birthday. He claims it’s his 38th, but we all know the truth. He’s not fooling anyone. Brittany knows she’s better than doing anything for Jax, let alone throw him a birthday party, but you know what? She’s all in on this relationship with this philanderer. Stassi, Schwartz, and Katie all arrive, shocked they’re downtown... but Hooters might be the only reason they’ll ever go downtown. Fuck Jax.

Stassi reminds us that when she broke up with Jax, she all but dug her key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive and carved her name into his leather seats, but she can’t judge Brittany for coping in her own way. Jax calls this the perfect birthday party for his inner child, because there’s nothing better than going to Hooters. My only experiences with Hooters have been this show and that episode of The Office, so I can’t confirm or deny this.

Stassi’s complaining about having big boobs, and how girls with small boobs will never know the pain of underboob sweat. As someone who’s new to the entire concept of having boobs, this is very true. It’s actually awful, and kind of gross. Katie can hold a pencil under her boobs, Stassi can hold an entire pack of rats. I can’t, and as someone who was thrilled she couldn’t hold a pencil case between her thighs, I’ll just go along with their entire thing here.

RealDoll Scheana takes Jax aside and confronts him about what Kristen told her Jax said about her and Rob. Rob says he loves RealDoll Scheana, but he’s not in love with her yet - even though she is, and she’s planning their entire life together down to the pillow shams they’ll have in the lake house. Rob may tell Scheana he loves her, but Jax was told something different. Scheana can’t imagine that this is true. There’s so much meaning behind not telling your significant other you love them every time you say goodbye.

Delusion, by Scheana Shay.

She knows they’re going to get married - sure, it’s not as quickly as she’d like it to be, but they’re going to. How does she know this? Does Rob know this? For once, Jax is in the right, and y’all know how much I hate it when that happens. He’s just trying to bring Scheana back down to Earth because she’s looking at her entire life through her Instagram feed. If she can project perfection4 to everyone else, eventually that’ll become true. She’s trying to The Secret her entire life. As someone who tries not to fuck with the universe and tries not to put things out there that can come back to me later5, even I know at a certain point it’s out of my control. Scheana hasn’t, clearly.

Peter asks Brittany how it feels to be back at Hooters, and she’s happy to be there. Ariana, with a mouth full of chicken, is like, “it’s so nice of Jax to take us to church on his birthday.” Ariana remains my favorite.Sandoval and Tom have gotten Jax a gift - a male romper. I’m guessing this was that time last summer that romphims were shocking the world, and honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it? I never understood why it was such a big deal. I mean, guys don’t even have to get naked to pee in their rompers. They should be much more of a staple in men’s attire than women’s.

Oh god, am I defending rompers?

The next day, Stassi and Billie Lee are headed to Kristen and Carter’s apartment, and Billie swears she’s not an alcoholic. Billie Lee immediately greets them with gluten-free vegan brownies and bread and she was doing so good up until this moment. Do not walk into my house with gluten-free vegan anything. Stassi loves Billie Lee. I did too, at one time. Apparently, Jeremy, Ariana’s brother, asked Billie Lee out on a date. Kristen and Stassi are skeptical and want to make sure it’s in public because Jeremy’s a creep.

Or so they think.

Jeremy’s kind of a creep and a lingerer, and at Schwartz and Katie’s wedding got a little too drunk and handsy, making Stassi uncomfortable. Kristen hopes he’s not just trying to fuck Jeremy, and Billie Lee’s like “Uh, that’s what I want.” As soon as she says that, they’re like, “oh, well, that’s okay.” It’s fine if a dude creeps you out if you want to fuck him, I guess? Billie Lee’s nervous now, however. I don’t blame her.

Scheana and Brittany6 are at BBCM for brunch, and Brittany’s refusing to drink. Brittany’s happy that she cleared the air with Jax, and Scheana’s like “yeah, there’s no way what he said was true, so it’s fine.” Scheana wants Brittany to be as happy with Jax as Scheana is with Rob because Scheana is determined to make sure that Brittany stays the hell away from Jax. Scheana knows a lot of people, which has never been said without an air of malice around it. Brittany’s hoping Jax will turn into the person she fell in love with, which is hilarious.

If you’re hoping your boyfriend will just… squash part of his personality that you don’t like, Brittany, you might as well be wafting in Delusion, by Scheana Shay. Jax is abusive. End of story. Scheana texted Adam, the hot new guy at Sexy Unique Restaurant7, because he asked about Brittany. Honestly, Scheana really thinks she’s Cher Horowitz and Brittany is Tai. She wants Brittany away from Travis Birkenstock (Jax) and in the pants of literally anyone else, but hopefully Elton (Adam). I see you, Scheana.

You will never be Cher Horowitz. The closest you’ll come is American Woman, Kyle Richards’s show about her life starring Alicia Silverstone.

We’re at the site for TomTom, and Schwartz wants nothing more than to be shoveling dirt with the construction site. Schwartz, clearly not knowing where he was going, is wearing fucking sandals. Katie married a grown man who wears sandals. All the time. Who doesn’t know to wear closed-toed shoes to a construction site? Does Tom Schwartz realize that a ton of health codes require closed-toes shoes in restaurants? He’s gonna die.

Sandoval is still trying to direct the set up of the bar area, and Lisa shuts that the fuck down. Again, Sandoval thinks he’s a true partner in all of this, but what Lisa wants him to do is what she wanted him to do at Sexy Unique Restaurants - craft a cocktail menu. That’s it. Nothing else. She doesn’t want your design input or any tips on what kind of food you’d like. She literally wants Tom to go to all his favorite bars in Los Angeles, choose his favorite cocktails from there, and assemble a list.

Oh, Sandoval. You only own 5% of the restaurant. Have you been wearing Delusion, by Scheana Shay?

Queen Lala arrives at Scheana’s apartment literally dressed like a goddess, in a white two-piece outfit. She looks like a California princess and clearly, she’s just touched up her lips because they are PLUMP, girl8. Following behind is Billie Lee, and then we get some shady shots of all the photos of Rob and Scheana in Scheana’s glam room.

The producers hate Scheana so much, I love it. Billie Lee needs a drink immediately upon arrival, and the girls are all happy to comply. Scheana’s pulled a few outfits for Billie to wear on her date, and Billie tells the details of her conversation with Kristen and Stassi. Billie Lee’s skeptical because Stassi gave the implication that Jeremy will just bounce from girl to girl to girl, hoping for some kind of positive interactions. Lala and Scheana are like, “well, he’s never tried anything with us, so.”

I do want to touch base on the “Well, he never did anything to make me uncomfortable, so,” response. A broken clock is right twice a day. Sometimes people we think are good are capable of doing bad things. Sometimes people’s behavior can be interpreted differently. A part of how the #metoo movement came into being was the collective idea that these people couldn’t have done this, they were good because of [xyz]. Did we learn nothing from Spotlight? The Catholic Church protected its own, we will forever protect our own instead of listening to victims. Listen. You’ll learn something. Reexamine people and their impact. Just because someone hasn’t hurt you, doesn’t mean they’re not capable of it.

Lala is immediately riled up because Kristen and Stassi tend to say things that not only hurt feelings but affect others’ lives in the long run. Billie was excited about her date until they brought up all of those thoughts.

Everyone loves and adores Billie. Especially Lala, who loves her tits. Billie chooses a green printed romper, and she looks cute. I won’t even hate. It’s a great date outfit.

Billie and Lala go to get a drink, and Lala’s getting buzzed before going into work because she’s the fucking best. She is all of us. Lala’s there to calm Billie down before her date because Lala understands the nerves and butterflies and jitters that accompany the first date. Jeremy arrives, and Billie immediately sets her sights on setting the mood. Guys are hesitant to date her because she is trans and people talk, and Jeremy’s like, “Whatever dude, you’re a girl and you should be acknowledged as such, who cares.”

This is the correct response.

Because this show can’t introduce anyone without bringing them up again, we’re meeting DJ James Kennedy, KCMG, and his fucking dad again9. James is ordering alcoholic slushies, Andres claims that George Michael christened him and spat on him, passing along his musical powers. Is that how powers are spread? Through spit? Like a cold? Having George Michael as a godfather has made James determined to be Something. Him and Lala together. James’ dad lost everything when George Michael and he had a falling out, and now James is getting over his struggle. He cries when thinking about his dad. Somehow, I find it within me not to feel bad for him. Maybe it’s my own personal daddy shit that prevents this.10

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the cast is still pretending they work there, and Lisa’s doing her obligated table greeting. Max Vanderpump-Todd got a $2,000 tip the night before, and that’s worth celebrating. Ariana’s leaving early because they’ve got a girls’ outing, and Lisa can sense that Ariana’s pissed11 about something. Ariana’s caught a whiff of what Kristen and Stassi were saying about Jeremy, and she’s upset. Scheana told this to Ariana, and Ariana can’t believe it, because he’s her brother, of course. I mean, Jeremy saved Sexy Unique Restaurant from burning down, and Lisa is endlessly thankful. She even gives him some money.

In case you didn’t know, the musical cue is “I came to get down,” so you know we’re headed to The Lion Tavern for a wild girls’ night out. Scheana and Ariana are greeted by Brittany and the rest of the girls. There are two factions - Ariana/Scheana/Lala, and Stassi & The Pussycats, but they’ve both come together because of their mutual love for Brittany. Stassi immediately asks how Ariana’s vagina was because thankfully we’re basically spared an entire scene of Ariana undergoing laser hair removal, and get like, ten seconds. Scheana immediately makes everyone uncomfortable when they’re all complimenting their own vaginas by being like “well, my boyfriend likes it, so.” Girl. Read the room. No one cares about Rob’s opinion of your vagina, they only care about yours.

Ugh, the patriarchy.

Lala brings up the Jeremy-shaped elephant in the room and calls Stassi out for trying to scare Billie Lee. Stassi claims she was being supportive, and Scheana’s like, “That’s definitely not how she took it.”

You know how I hate when Jax is right? I hate when Scheana’s right just as much.

Ariana tries to get them to bring up the wedding, and Stassi’s like, “I don’t want to hurt anyone!!!” It’s okay if she hurts people unintentionally, she just doesn’t want to do it on purpose. Scheana leaves because she’s got a curfew to return to her RealDoll box, and Katie immediately is like “IT’S MY TURN FOR CAMERA TIME.” She says that she got a lot of complaints at her wedding regarding Jeremy’s behavior, that he was even predatory. Ariana wants to snatch Katie’s wig as soon as she uses that word, and immediately defends her brother. Katie, being the ultimate in hypocrisy, tells Ariana she needs to advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves right now. Katie is such trash because this is so pointed and so purposeful and so intended to make Ariana feel like a hypocrite. We get it, Katie, you hate Ariana and you really hate that she’s a better person than you are. Ariana reads between Katie’s lines, and Katie tries doing the plausible deniability thing and claiming Ariana misheard her. Lala comes and sits next to Ariana and tries to soothe her, but Ariana is so upset at this point that she’s seeing red.

I get why Ariana’s upset. She’s defending her family and Katie’s essentially saying she’s a bad feminist for doing so. I’m not saying Ariana’s right, and I’m definitely not saying Katie’s right. There’s a better way to handle this, but they should have known that with family involved, the emotions are heightened. Katie, you defend Schwartz’s shitty behavior constantly. Shut up. Ariana dismisses herself from the table and all the girls are like “Wait, sit down, calm down, what?” Stassi makes a false equivalency by saying Ariana can criticize Stassi all she wants under “hard truths”, yet Stassi can’t criticize Jeremy.

Because Ariana is not responsible for her brother’s behavior, and since she doesn’t know the entire story, she can only defend him. She’s not right for this. She could have listened more. But their issue is with Jeremy, not Ariana. The most feminist thing to do is to demand they hold Jeremy accountable instead of getting angry at Ariana for her brother’s bad behavior.

Over at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, Jax has a drum kit he’s showing to Tom Sandoval. Even Sandoval is like, “Man, you got spoiled for a guy who just cheated on his girlfriend.” Brittany is reinforcing bad behaviors by treating Jax like this. He’ll definitely cheat again if she continues to reward it. Tom decides to head over to Schwartz and Katie’s apartment because he needs to talk to Katie about what happened with Ariana. He calls it “complete and total bullshit”, because he’s Tom Sandoval. He’s never found a man he won’t blindly defend to the death.

Over at Katie and Tom’s, Stassi and Kristen have arrived and they’re going to make their own perfumes.

Are they making Delusion, by Scheana Shay?

Sandoval comes over and Schwartz immediately tells him to proceed with caution. Sandoval starts out and denies all of Jeremy’s behavior. Stassi and Kristen are continuing to maintain that Jeremy made them uncomfortable and Sandoval just... denies it. He literally says no, that didn't happen. He wasn't there, how would he know?

You don’t get to tell someone how they feel, Sandoval. You can’t just shoot down the way someone else feels. If multiple people are claiming to feel some kind of way about something, it might be worth inspecting. What do I know, though?

The most important part is when Stassi asks, “why would I lie about this?” When it comes to a lie, you always have to look at the side of the person who benefits from the lie. Stassi doesn’t benefit from lying about this, and neither do the millions of women who come forward with accusations of sexual misconduct. There is more to lose by coming forward, and literally nothing to gain. If you think they’re looking for a payoff, wonder who benefits from being paid to keep silent. Not the women. I once heard a story of a woman who came forward with accusations of sexual assault, signed an NDA and took the money, and then came to find out her NDA was so strict she couldn’t even talk about her experience with a therapist.

She attempted suicide because of it. Fuck NDAs, and fuck anyone who thinks that women who come forward about sexual harassment are looking to get paid off. There is no money that can erase that experience. And no amount of money is worth more than actual punishment. Sandoval doesn’t know what he’s talking about because he wasn’t there. Stassi’s tired of protecting men and Tom Sandoval tells her to watch herself. A man telling a woman to watch herself when she’s telling the truth is some Crucible bullshit. Tom claiming he’ll start telling truths about them if they continue to talk is just… sad, petty behavior.

Then again, Tom will protect every single move Jax makes if he can. It’s shocking Ariana, who is proudly pro-women, will put up with Tom, who is definitely pro-men in every single way.

Back at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, Brittany gets a call from her dad. Oh, and Brittany hasn’t told her dad about Jax’s cheating, even though she’s told her mother. She’s afraid to tell her dad because he’s gonna be upset. We get shots of Jax sensing something ominous in the air and listening in on Brittany’s conversation when she tells her dad Jax cheated on her.

Brittany’s dad is unsurprised. He can’t help himself. He has no control. Brittany’s heard this before from him, and that’s why she’s put distance between them. She doesn’t want her dad to “I told you so” her, but… he told her so. Brittany’s dad is a lot less unforgiving than Brittany’s mom, who is on her third marriage and continually tells Brittany to just put her head down and deal with it because she’s on TV now. Brittany’s dad wants him to grow up and get serious, and he doesn’t think that now that Jax is 485 years old if that’s really possible. If he wanted to grow up, he’d be grown up. Brittany’s dad is most definitely not on Team Jax.

Jax is like, “oh man, I’m doing so good at the drums now! What did your dad say? What did he say?” Jax isn’t upset about Brittany’s dad not liking him - he couldn’t give a fuck - he’s again, more upset that she’s “airing out their dirty laundry”. Talking to your parent about your relationship is not airing out dirty laundry. The fact that Jax was Brittany to isolate any conversation about him and his behavior is textbook abuser behavior. He only wants to talk about it with her so he can tell her how she feels. None of these other people have his side, only hers, so what do they know?

God, Brittany. Stop. This man thinks you talking to your parents about your problems is “dirty laundry”. No. That’s what they’re there for.

Brittany doesn’t want to deal with the pain and strife this would put on her family ever again. They’re already predisposed not to like him and she’s not trying to pile on. Jax promises he won’t do anything like that again (LIAR), but she’s not perfect, either.

Why. Are. Men. Like. This.

One of the reasons my ex and I broke up was his almost blatant refusal to see my side in things. Literally, one time we were talking, and I mentioned that the fact that does that bothers me. He apologized, and then immediately was like “well, you do that too.” And I burst into tears. I was already on edge, already frustrated at not being heard and not listened to, and here he was, making that my problem. It’s this stubborn need to always be not only right but right and justified in every situation. “It’s fine for me to do this because you do it too.” I’m not saying I’m right in my actions. But if I’m asking you not to hurt me, what’s so wrong with just apologizing?

Why do you need to say, “I’m sorry, but this isn’t only my fault”?

Brittany admits to her bad behavior and owns up to her imperfections, but Jax won’t. He’s like, “own up to it,” and she will. He tells her if she’s not happy, maybe she needs to move on. I don’t disagree, but this is just him trying to get out from under bad behavior. I do the same thing. “You chose to be with me, you can leave at any point.”

Jax just always needs to be the good guy. That’s Brittany’s problem. His need to be the good guy in his mind will always trump any of her feelings. Good Guys are just as bad as Nice Guys.

Lala, Ariana12 and Scheana head to the bar, where people are meeting them, namely Daddy Adam, who is my new bae. They’re all there to basically show Brittany that she doesn’t need Jax and that she’s swimming in a sea of hot dudes who want to bang her. Scheana knows that Jax is never going to change and the love of a good woman won’t do shit - he doesn’t deserve Brittany. Hottie Adam shows up and orders seven shots of tequila upon arrival. Brittany’s Out To Flirt and piss off Jax, and Adam is prime real estate.

Lala mentions her conversation with Stassi, and that she doesn’t think she’s out to get anyone. Scheana and Ariana are pissed at Stassi and Brittany’s defending Stassi. It’s charming, but only a tiny bit. Scheana’s drunk and takes Brittany aside for a drunken truth-telling. She tells Brittany the truth - you will never be able to change Jax, you don’t deserve to be treated like this, and you can do better. And Brittany’s main problem? She loves Jax. And she can’t just like, stop loving him. Scheana can’t understand her thought process on this, and Brittany can’t explain to people that she knows he’s wrong but she still loves him. Scheana doesn’t want Brittany to be where she is - 32, divorced and starting over from scratch.

Scheana knows what it’s like to lie to yourself and convince yourself it’s all going to work out in the end. It’s hilarious because she’s acting like she used to do this when she’s doing it right now. God damn, I love the producers of this show.

Next Time: Lisa doesn’t understand why Brittany’s still celebrating Jax, let alone taking him to Mexico for his birthday. Lala is “ready for Mexico” in that she’s… way too tan. Scary tan. We’re going to Playa del Carmen! Lala ain’t taking any of Jax’s shit. Sandoval needs to fuck off.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Y’all know I love Ariana and shit, but god damn, that red dress in the talking head? With the corset front? No. Ariana, take it off. Immediately. Trust me.

Meanwhile, Tom Sandoval’s talking head with the polka dot bowtie and the plaid pants? I love it. It’s so extra. He looks like a sexy butler.

Scheana thinks Billie Lee and Jeremy are fated because they both smoke weed.

Is Billie Lee the first trans person on Bravo? Bravo, Bravo, then.

I mean, Stassi and Kristen have a point to be afraid of being around Jeremy.

Okay, really - Brittany is losing sympathy for staying with Jax, and fast. The only way she can redeem herself is to dump him. She can’t keep putting herself in these scenarios and expecting a different response.

Hagrid from Harry Potter, for you Yanks. ↩︎

What part of England are the Kennedys from? Are they from Manchester? ↩︎

Who has taken to pronouncing “baby” like it’s two letters - “BB” ↩︎

Scheana is such a fucking Taurus. ↩︎

I won’t even tell people if I’ve applied for something exciting just in case it backfired. The minute you put something into words and say them aloud to someone else, they’re real. I don’t know where I got this superstition from. ↩︎

I love Brittany’s 2005 glasses so much. ↩︎

OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY IS THE HOT NEW GUY AT SEXY UNIQUE RESTAURANT. Hellooooo, Adam. Adam, come to mama. ↩︎

In the words of Beverly Johnson, if you don’t have a top lip, get one. Have you guys heard my podcast yet? ↩︎

I’m choosing to think of him as Robbie Coltrane from National Treasure (Not the Nicolas Cage fantasy films, the British series about Operation Yewtree) and less Hagrid. Makes him easier to hate. ↩︎

Same reason I’ve never seen Finding Nemo all the way through but I can handle The Lion King. ↩︎

Read: a producer told her to ask. ↩︎

I truly believe this week’s opening song crooner is the worst yet. Imagine Ariana Grande’s voice, but without the passionate depth? Also, it defintely makes the least amount of sense - “When we fall, we never mind, mind, mind?” I FUCKING MIND. As a person who falls a lot - and not even in the charming romantic comedy kind-of-way - I’m reaching the age where if I fall, I’m genuinely concerned for my personal safety. I sprained my tailbone over the summer and ever since then I’m convinced I need a LifeAlert bracelet or else it’s over for me.

We’re at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, and there’s a sleeping dog1 and it’s 12:07 pm. Brittany, Katie Baloney, and Scheana are all just rising for the day. Stassi walks in and cracks a beer, and we learn that the previous night’s Let’s Burn Jax To The Ground Yearbook Signing Party moved its way to Brittany’s apartment and went well into the morning. Katie’s gushing over Tom Schwartz for whatever reason, and Stassi had Taco Bell delivered.

Okay, I don’t get that.

Like, the idea of getting McDonalds or Burger King or any kind of Shame Food delivered to my apartment feels like rock bottom for me. I can’t imagine spending enough money at any of those places to justify having it delivered to me. Then again, I haven’t had Taco Bell since I left Detroit, so. Maybe there’s just something I’m missing?

Scheana asks Brittany if she’s still joining her and Lala on a private jet to Vegas. We never get a response because Katie feels the need to get all sanctimonious about Lala’s “sugar daddy married boyfriend”. He’s not married, they’re separated, and Katie still can’t shut her damn mouth about Lala. I just can’t imagine being the kind of person who’d get upset when someone spreads their generosity around. Who cares how Lala got the private jet? She asked Scheana and Brittany to join her, and that’s nice.

Can we go back to not having Katie on our screens again? It’s bad enough that her turtle glasses match her leopard/turtle wristlet tattoo

Oh, hello, Villa Rosa! Hello swans! Hello Toms! Apparently they listened to “Lose Yourself” by Eminem to pump themselves up for this meeting because… okay, honestly, “Lose Yourself” hits hard at a certain time and place, but also these dudes are basically Michael Phelps. I don’t know what would have made me roll my eyes harder, them saying this, or like, A Tribe Called Quest’s “Scenario.”

Who am I kidding - these boys don’t know who A Tribe Called Quest is. Busta Rhymes to them is the guy from The Rugrats Movie soundtrack who did that song with Chris Brown2.

They’re nervous, and Lisa and Ken are lounging, covered in dogs, lying in wait for the Toms. Lisa’s narrating what’s going on between them, and says unless they’re showing some sort of enthusiasm, she’s out. The Toms also happened to have gone pretty hard the night before under the guise of “helping Jax”. When has “helping Jax” ever worked out for anyone?! Needless to say, our boys are hungover. Lisa asked if they got lost between the gate and the house as soon as she sees them. Right now, Lisa’s not feeling the partnership because she’s concerned about their negativity. She wants their commitment - both in emotion and in money. $120,000 for 10% of the restaurant. They’re both hesitant because das a lot of money.

Lisa’s not negotiating, either. Schwartz wants $50,000 each for 5% of the restaurant, and suddenly I wonder why Lisa Vanderpump isn’t on Shark Tank.

CAN I JUST GET THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SHARK TANK? Imagine: Sonja Morgan pitching her toaster ovens to Kevin O

’Leary, Bethenny, Notorious Billionaire Entrepreneur And Outspoken Owner Of The Dallas Mavericks Mark Cuban, Mauricio Umansky, and Kandi Burruss.

Bravo, give me a call.

Lisa and Ken are okay with that. They’re partners. All Lisa wants is enthusiasm, positivity, and their money. That’s all!

Scheana asks if Jax is ever coming back to the apartment, and as soon as that happens, he walks in and he’s immediately pissed. He’s mad that the girls are there, the house is a mess, people are dying of cancer, he’s mad because he’s 450 years old and he just wants to be in his own home. Jax says Brittany isn’t as devastated as she’s claiming and she’s milking it all for attention, and Brittany flips. Because that’s a fucked up thing to say. You don’t get to hurt people and then criticize how they cope, Jax. You don’t get to hurt people and tell them how to react to you, Jax. You just don’t get to hurt people, Jax. I don’t blame Brittany for trying to kick him out of their apartment. He came in hot and they weren’t doing anything to him except sitting there, breathing. He feels like he’s been ambushed and Stassi’s right when she points out that he’s just pointing fingers at them to deflect blame for his fuck up by lying to her by omission about Faith. He continues to tell her she can’t tell him how to behave in his own house while trying to tell her how to behave in her house and sees zero irony in any of that.

Brittany’s hurt, and she told him how she was going to react to it - she was going to lose her mind and be upset for a while and she didn’t want to talk to him about it. He’s not listening to her. Jax really just doesn’t care about Brittany’s feelings whatsoever - he’s more focused on covering his own ass. He needs the validation that comes from cheating and the validation that no matter how terribly he treats her, his partner will continue to allow this cycle of abuse to continue.

WE GET TO HEAR T.I.P3 while Tom and Tom cruise and celebrate their new partnership. I mean, I just love the idea of someone using their own music as hype music. They’re just hoping they don’t disappoint Lisa Vanderpump, which won’t be hard considering who they are. Sandoval gets a call from Ariana, who is very busy and important so she won’t be able to take time out of her day to leave and have sex with Tom Sandoval. It’s okay, Schwartz is offering Katie up if Sandoval’s interested, and I have never wanted anything less in my entire life.

The Toms return to Katie and Tom’s apartment, where Stassi and Baloney are hanging out. The Toms come in and basically do my favorite thing (no) which is when people have good news and pretend like they have bad news. No one is so on edge that they care as much as you two do about this. Sandoval’s like, “Yeah, it’s a bummer I might not be working at Sexy Unique Restaurant in a few months because we’re OPENING A BAR!!!!!” And Schwartz is just happy that in his thirties someone decided to give him a restaurant. Fairly certain Schwartz has no idea how the world actually operates. Then again, the only job he’s ever had was 90 minutes at PUMP before he had to leave, so.

Katie’s just so happy that Tom seems to be making an investment into the future instead of spending all of their money on video games and differing apparatuses from which to drink beer. Katie’s just happy that the guy she married because he was hot is actually trying to be an adult for the first time in his thirty-something years of existence.

Cool Girl Ariana comes over to Scheana’s apartment, where Scheana is packing for Vegas and I’m pretty sure i have her entire outfit and have worn it relatively recently. I’m a big fan of oversized flannel shirts and like, mini dresses. Ariana asks Scheana what happened in the morning at Jax’s. Ariana’s bummed she missed Brittany taking a swing at Jax, and honestly at this point, he’s so old that a light breeze might knock him over and he’ll shatter into a million cocaine-filled pieces.

Queen Lalar comes over wearing a shirt covered in drawings of her face and my heart swoons. Lalar’s been juicing so her Summer Body is ready for Vegas. They’re taking a private jet provided by Lalar’s boyfriend. I love Lala’s logic as to how she gets on private jets - if you’re not ugly and have tits, you can get on a private jet. I actually can’t understate how true that is. I mean, not speaking from personal experience, but honestly, if I knew someone with a private jet, I don’t think it would be hard to convince them to take me to like, Chicago4. Lala tells Ariana and Scheana she got her job back, and Scheana’s like, “Katie’s talking about your boyfriend again.”

Lala immediately gets heated and starts making fun of Katie because let’s be real - Katie’s not mad that Lala’s boyfriend was separated and started dating a younger girl, Katie’s mad that she married a dude with zero ambition and her looks couldn’t get her an older dude with a jet. Sorry. Katie’s still maintaining the lie about Katie, and Lala’s like, “they all call me a homewrecker and I’m the one being accused of attacking people?” Lala says she’s gonna pop Katie if she continues to talk about it, because she thought they were cool now. And if Katie’s going to go low, so can Lala. She says that Tom Schwartz made out with her friend recently - as in while he was married to Katie5. Apparently when Katie was away in New York at some point, Tom was all over Lala’s friend Allie, calling her “bubba” and being all touchy-feely. Lala was like, “I wasn’t gonna say shit but then she came for me first, so. Who cares if her life is ruined, that’s karma.”6 Ariana basically agrees to talk to Schwartz about it at Guillermo’s birthday.

Stassi’s at Villa Rosa, and Stassi’s running behind for prep for Guillermo’s surprise birthday, and guess what? Event planning is fucking hard. Colin Cowie and David Tutera make it look easy but every step of planning any kind of party (and don’t get me started on weddings) takes fifteen logistical steps to make sure things occur when they should. Oh, you want bows for your chairs? What color? Oh, that color doesn’t come in the fabric you chose. What fabric? Oh, that fabric only fits around certain types of chairs. Nothing about event planning is easy. Event coordination is even harder and I seriously have mad respect for anyone who makes that shit happen. Lisa gives Stassi her black AMEX and basically is like, “use this, don’t get into trouble.”

And then Stassi starts filling up her PrettyLittleThing and Missguided shopping carts.

Jax and Schwartz are at Society Kitchen, and honestly, the only reason that I would ever move to LA is that even their breakfast restaurants serve liquor at like, 8 AM. Also, that menu looks amazing. They order something called “fried guacamole” and Jax shames Schwartz into picking french fries over a side salad. Schwartz acts like he’s never seen anything fried when the fried guacamole comes to the table, and I don’t know - the idea of biting into something brown and it being soft and green on the inside actually makes me kind of nauseous. But then again, I don’t have an orgasm every single time I think of an avocado like some people7.

Jax has been uninvited from working Guillermo’s party because Brittany’s working, too, but Jax, who is the inspiration for the 1938 play Gaslight, which is where the term gaslighting originated, had a chance to talk to her without the bias of her friends, and it seems like they’re at least a bit better now. Schwartz is like, “dude, were you not just about to move out like, two days ago? Give her time.” Honestly, I think if Brittany had moved out, Jax would have been fine with that and fine with them breaking up. He doesn’t want to do any work or put in any external effort, so they’re staying together because he just doesn’t want to deal with the stress of moving.

Schwartz gives the suggestion of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of situation - aka, an open relationship between Brittany and Jax. And honestly, if Jax’s self-esteem wasn’t linked so deeply with his psyche, I would say that would be his ideal situation. But again, he cheats primarily for validation from his partner and from external sources - if you take the “betrayal” part out of it, it’s useless. The appeal is gone if you don’t get the drama or the attention out of it.

Meanwhile, Stassi’s like, “how do people work? Every day? How do they do things?’ Life funded by Instagram Sponsorships sounds great. Getting paid $5k to post a photo? How do I get this life? Stassi’s overwhelmed, but honestly, she seems to do a decent job of delegating. And when you’re event planning, 70% of the job is just pointing and telling people what to do while pretending everything’s okay8. Everyone’s there! Tom! Katie! Kristen! Ariana! Kristen’s weird non-factor boyfriend! Everyone has jackets gently draped over their shoulders because it’s LA, you don’t need an actual coat.

Katie, Kristen, Stassi, and Brittany (who is working, poor thing) are all standing around chatting. Kristen’s been doing this weird thing lately where she just like, fawns over her friends in this really strange, inauthentic way. She’s like, “Brittany, you always look like a Victoria’s Secret model, even when your boyfriend is being a huge fucking asshole.” It’s such a weird thing to say - not that I’m against complimenting people, but it feels so PLEASELIKEMEPLEASELIKEMEINEEDAJOBONTHISSHOWTOAFFORDMYLIFEPLEASEPLEASECAMERATIMEPLEASE. Brittany’s done talking about Jax, at least for the moment, and she wants to work through the entire situation by herself, and when she talks to her friends about it, she gets worked up and emotional and that’s not the easiest way to make decisions.

Again: Brittany is better than these people, and certainly better than me. I’m immensely emotional and very impulsive, and I have a tendency to try to hurt people when I feel they’ve hurt me. I often go to my friends not for advice, but to be a ranting sounding board, and it’s not a great quality. I’m aware of it. I’m working on it. But good for Brittany for being like, “I need to figure this all out on my own, thank you for supporting me in this endeavor.”

Jax meets DJ James Kennedy, LMFAO at some random bar, and the idea of just the two of them hanging out together alone makes me concerned for everyone else in that bar. I feel like just being around each other will create a super-STD. No sexual contact required, just their aromas is enough. I mean, they start with shots of absinthe, and I’m 100% sure none of the preparation shown is how one drinks absinthe. Like, absinthe is both amazing9 and disgusting10 but if not properly prepared it’s basically like drinking Draino. It takes a long time, and it’s a thorough process that literally requires something to DRIP for a while.

But then again these are garbage people with garbage taste so they don’t care, they’re there to get drunk on Pernod.

James takes his shot and it ain’t no thang. Jax takes his shot and I’m genuinely concerned for him becuse he’s 850 years old and 136-proof alcohol could literally kill him. And it basically does, but not enough for my liking. Effectively, Jax is basically Jason Bateman in this scene from Extract11. Old man, can’t keep up.

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Stassi is lighting sparklers and we get another chance to celebrate a public-domain usage of “Happy Birthday”. The cake has edible flowers on it. Eurgh. Guillermo reminds Tom & Tom that it’s them next, and they better not fuck it up.

Ariana takes this moment to take Tom Schwartz aside, and we get the first appearance of my personal favorite location on this show, The Sexy Unique Restaurant Back Alley By The Motorcycles and A Dumpster. Ariana’s like “I’m really dreeeeading talking to you about this,” and meanwhile inside, Katie’s like, “Where’s my HUSBAND?” I literally hate Katie because I know she’s the girl who as soon as she got a ring, she stopped referring to her significant other by his name. No, she wants to make sure you know how special she is so he’s no longer “Tom,” he’s “My Fiance/Husband”. Ariana rips the Band-Aid off quickly and tells Tom that she heard about him making out with someone a few months back.

Tom immediately denies it, or at least is basically like, “Yeah, I don’t remember that night.” We’re reminded of the last time this happened, and that Tom has a track record of just getting blackout drunk and not knowing what he did. And yeah, Jax does it, but Schwartz… has a drinking problem. He drinks to get blacked out, and frequently. He denies his behavior but he also doesn’t remember anything about that night. Ariana’s like, “you need to deal with this. Now.”

Tom compares his drunken self to a werewolf, and it’s like he sees that as a good thing. Even in his talking heads he’s a mess. He looks like he just got out of court-ordered rehab and is going to see his probation officer after being on a bender.

Jax and James are taking snaps together and pretending like they’re wasted on absinthe. With the amount these two drink on a regular basis, they’re not getting wasted on two shots of absinthe. James tries to be like, “you know, absinthe is a hallucinogenic,” and they try to edit it like they’re sOoOoOO oUt Of It~ and it’s not. At least not in America. I wasn’t amused. Meanwhile, Brittany’s been hate-fucking Jax a lot lately, and Jax is fine with that becasue at least someone will still touch his old, craven, decrepit body. Jax basically describes the Madonna/Whore complex in which he wants a sweet, nice girl at home, and a ho in the streets. It’s not deep, Jax. Just because you just learned the word “complex” doesn’t make it deep.

Katie immediately senses that something’s up when Tom and Ariana arrive back at the party, and immediately inquires. Ariana’s like “SHUT. UP. TOM.” and Tom’s literally like, “Yeah, apparently I made out with some girl at a party a few months ago when I was soooooooo wasted.” Even the way he tells it sounds like he doesn’t take cheating on his wife seriously whatsoever. The look on Katie’s face is literally like, “I will stab this man with a cocktail stirrer.” As soon as Katie finds out Lala’s the one who told everyone, she gets upset, of course12.

Katie storms out with Kristen, and Stassi, Ariana, and Brittany chase after her. Stassi’s like, “why is this coming up NOW at my first party ever?” and doesn’t want to believe it considering the source was Lala, but as soon as Kristen says that Tom was the one who brought up the topic in the first place, you see the wheels in Stassi’s brain turning because she was so prepared to rail on Lala. Katie’s like, “What did I do to deserve this?” and I’m literally like, “How long do you have, Kathryn13?” Tom is so drunk when he comes out to talk to Katie, he’s like “don’t cry buuuuubbbbbbbaaaaaa”, and she’s like “What the fuck do you mean, don’t cry?”

Y’all know I try my very hardest to never be on Katie’s side when it comes to pretty much anything, but in this case, I’m on her side. Yes, there’s a part of me that probably knows that they manufactured this storyline because Katie got so much hate on social media that Tom decided to take the bullet for his wife this time, but also - he can’t stop doing this. He literally cannot stop cheating on her. She gives him freedom and he turns around and does this? I’m sure it’s not even about the making out part - it’s the constant embarassment and the fact that Tom cannot take any responsibility for his hand in any of his actions. Yes, you were blackout drunk, and you don’t remember it, but you did something during that time that was hurtful and harmful to someone you love. Why wouldn’t you take a moment for some introspection? Why wouldn’t you look at your drunken behavior and try to change it? He just seems so like, “Well, I was drunk so I don’t know if it really happened or not, I can’t take responsibility for something I was barely there for.” He really thinks because he can’t remember it makes it alright.

Katie yells, “Get it together. What is wrong with you?” and that is the appropriate response. He needs to be an adult. He needs to grow up. You’re a fucking married man in your thirties, Tom. Stop acting like every night is a frat party - that’s literally the fastest way to losing your looks, which we all know is the most important thing to you, because it’s what’s allowed you to continue being the emotionally-stunted immature puppy-boy we’ve been watching for six years. I don’t think he’s consciously trying to cheat, or wants to cheat on Katie or even not be with her. (I mean, he doesn’t want to be with her.) Even Lisa’s like, “What the FUCK, Tom? How can I trust you if you can’t even be trustworthy in your marriage?”

Katie’s embarrassed. And for the first time, it’s for a reason I agree with, and not her general… essence. Or those earrings.

Next Week: Scheana’s parched for Rob, but Rob’s out making out with everyone in Los Angeles. More of Schwartz vs. Katie. Jax and Brittany have a housewarming party. Lala’s there, and oh, she’s got audio recordings of Jax talking shit to Faith about Brittany.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Scheana looks completely gorgeous in that slate blue dress talking head. The most natural she’s looked in a very long time. I still can’t stand those claw nails with the nude nail polish, though.

TomTom is still an offensive name to me. I literally just get “Genius of Love” in my head.

Kristen, Kristen, Kristen. She looked a damn mess in this episode. 

I marvel at the fact that these people’s lifestyles are totally ruining their bodies in ways we can’t even imagine but... are they all slurring their words a lot more now? 

Why do I feel like their apartment is probably covered in dog shit? Like, pee pads everywhere? ↩︎

And they alllllllllll think they can do the Look At Me Now verse. ↩︎

Touch in Public is one of the best songs created by a Bravolebrity ever, come the fuck at me. ↩︎

Only to see Hillary, did you know we have a podcast? ↩︎

I was LIVING for Ariana’s face in this scene. She had the face of “oh god oh god oh god YES THIS IS SO JUICY oh god oh god” ↩︎

I hate how much I love Lala in this moment. She goes from 0-100 so quickly - but sometimes when you have a sore spot and someone pokes it, you gotta do what you gotta do. ↩︎

HOT TAKE: I think avocados are overrated and cabbage doesn’t get nearly enough respect. Red cabbage? Hot damn, shit's delicious. ↩︎

I was a host/maitre’d in restaurants for five years. I’ve never identified with anything as much as I have this comic. Sometimes I miss it and then I think about the worst nights I had in restaurants and I kind of spiral and thank god that I’m out. ↩︎

When I was in Prague for my study abroad, I bought a bottle of absinthe on my last night when I was hammered, packed it away, and then it shattered in my bag in transit. Everything I owned smelled like anise. Everything. ↩︎

Disgusting in that one of my worst hangovers was at an absinthe bar in Washington DC and sometimes just the smell of absinthe sends me right back there. Don’t mix tripels and absinthe. That is two high-alcohol drinks that should never be combined. Ever. That was the first time I ever took an Uber, though! Come to think of it, that night in Prague was a weird, gross hangover too. Maybe I need to stop drinking absinthe. PFFFFFFFFFFT, never. ↩︎

An underrated fucking brilliant movie. And the last time anyone could tolerate Ben Affleck in anything. ↩︎

I especially loved Sandoval rubbing his forehead in disappointment and saying, “this never would have happened under my watch.” If you have to treat your friends in the same way you treat an infant or a puppy, get new friends. ↩︎