#van4ever

YOU GUYS.

I have officially stumbled through all of this rollercoaster of a TV show. I have a lot of feelings about it! This show really has everything: competitive teen girls, THE 90S!!!, post plane-crash survivalist nightmares, rabbits, midlife crises, AFFAIRS, lesbians, murders, SOCCER, paganism AND satanism (maybe?), fake book clubs, NJ politics, cults, GLITTER, car crashes, blackmail, journaling, creepy kids, creepy adults, creepy teens, creepy cabins, creepy dreams, creepy visions, creepy planes, actual creeps and also CANNIBALISM (MAYBE!) SPOILERS AHEAD!

THIS SHOW NEVER SHOWS ACTUAL CANNIBALISM - IT IS ONLY EDITED THAT WAY! I was promised waaaay more cannibalism and way less middle-aged ennui but what this show lacks in actually eating human flesh it more than makes up for in very HONGARY wigs. There are only 3 MAIN wigs in the show - that of teenage Natalie, teenage Misty, and grownup Misty. So I will be judging those on an episode by episode basis based on CANNIBAL WIG ratings. Let’s discuss!

Episode 1

CANNIBAL WIGS: 6/10

The beginning of this pilot is the closest we get to actual cannibalism on the entire season of this show. Based solely on the first 10 minutes of the pilot, I really thought we were gonna get more cannibalism but ALAS. NOTE: it probably feels like I’m really into cannibalism but my point is: I was EXPECTING more cannibalism. The entire point of this show felt like it was cannibalism? I do not endorse eating people!

ANYWAY! We begin with a mystery girl being murdered in the snow followed by horned/masked girls eating meat (IT IS NEVER EXPLICITLY SHOWN THAT THEY ATE THE GIRL - SHE MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN A SACRIFICE!) In any case, the identity of the would-be cannibals is cloaked in mystery and also antlers and DIY face masks that you definitely can buy on Etsy.

Flashing back to New Jersey in the mid-90s, everything is JUST. SO. MID. 90S. But not in that really specific way that Pen15 does the early aughts. More like when a millennial dresses up like a Clueless character for Halloween. In any case, we meet the Yellowjackets - an elite high school girls soccer team who are about to fly to nationals. I wonder what will happen! 

We also meet the younger version of Juliette Lewis. SIDE NOTE: I love Juliette Lewis but she is like 7-10 years older than all the actresses who are supposed to be her same age which is WILD but like I guess whatever? Anyway back to the younger Natalie - she looks nothing like Lewis and has a blonde dye job. This is real hair and it’s fine for a 90s bleach job! Therefore Natalie is giving us 0/0 cannibal wigs. The true horrors are YET TO COME all around!!

The real cannibal wigs come in the form of MISTY, the team’s equipment manager (?) and grade-A lurker. We are definitely supposed to hate this chick from the start and excellent job of making her wig as awful as her personality? This dusty, thirsty wig is terrible BEFORE the crash!

And flashing forward to present day, Misty (now in the form of Christina friggin’ Ricci!) got herself a haircut but this looks like the same mousy, dried wig as in the 90s. HOW AND WHY!!!! I don’t understand why movies and tv shows insist on telling us that women keep the same hair for 30 years (yes I know it’s for consistency in identification purposes...) since most women I know change their hair a little bit more than just a cut over the course of their lifetimes. Still: not a lot has changed in the character of Misty in 25 years...she’s still very much a lurker! It must be said that wearing this wig apparently made people treat Christina Ricci differently so this is a very POWERFUL CANNIBAL WIG. 

By episode’s end it is discovered that Misty is the one offering fresh meat (of human or animal origins?) at the beginning of the episode. OK?!?! This wig has definitely flattened itself out and SEEN SOME THINGS between crash and cannibalism (again: MAYBE????). THIS IS THE REVENANT BUT WITH LESS HAIR MOISTURE. OH THE HUMANITY.

Episode 2:

CANNIBAL WIGS: 9/10

BANG! CRASH! We’re flashing back to the early 90s y’all! Misty gets honestly the best wig of any timeline here. Full of body and strawberry blonde color, this is really the best version of Misty. WHERE CAN I GET THAT SWEATSHIRT TO SAY NOTHING OF THE LIP PHONE?! Also tweens are cruel and shouldn’t be prank calling Misty because YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BULLYING IS GOING TO TURN MISTY INTO OH GOD.

BANG. CRASH. Flashing forward to that whole chartered plane to nowhere situation....Misty is suddenly THE. MOST. VALUABLE. YELLOWJACKET. She took Red Cross babysitting class! Twice! She springs into action, bandaging people, chopping off broken legs, and generally being kind of badass? In a scary way. Her wig looks, well, like it survived a plane crash. Which is to say that it only looks slightly worse than when it was back in New Jersey? THIS IS A HUNGRY WIG THAT WILL DEFINITELY EAT HUMANS IF MISTY DOESN’T FIRST. 

BANG....CRASH. Present day Misty is.....oof. Clearly they shot the pilot and then shot the rest of the episodes much later because this is NOT the same wig that Christina Ricci had in the first episode! It is much blonder and much thirstier. This wig is halfway to a Cruella DeVille and honestly SO IS MISTY. Never prank call anyone because they will definitely smash an airplane black box and maybe try to kill your grandma in a nursing home later!

BANGCRASH oh no young Natalie got a reshoot wig! This is not the real hair that the actress had in the pilot. THIS IS A CANNIBAL WIG!!!! Totally different texture, fullness, and lack of darker roots. DID THEY THINK WE WOULDN’T NOTICE?!

THIS EPISODE SERVED SERIOUS CANNIBAL WIGS!!!!! 

Episode 3

CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10

WELP. It’s starting to set in that these girls are gonna be in the wilderness for a while but luckily they found a water source!! BEACH PARTY! Sadly, Natalie’s wig has somehow gotten more platinum and dried out. THIS WIG IS HUNGRY AND THIRSTY!

OH GOD FORGET I SAID THIRSTY. PLEASE DRY THIS WIG OFF. OH GOD. 

Anyway, in addition to finding water, the girls (and 3 dudes..) also find a cabin! Don’t worry: it is VERY CREEPY. (Not as creepy as these wigs, though).

All that can be said about present day Misty’s wig is just above. PLEASE LEAVE, WIG. WE HAVE NOTHING FOR YOU HERE.

ALSO: Apparently Misty has a bird. OF COURSE MISTY HAS A BIRD.

Episode 4

CANNIBAL WIGS: 8/10

So they found a cabin, and the cabin has a gun! ALSO A LOT OF AMMUNITION! So it’s time for all the teens to try to shoot shit to see who is best at hunting and not worry about wasting bullets. EVERYONE SUCKS AT SHOOTING! 

Even Misty, who is starting to rethink the whole smashing of blackbox thing - everyone is finding her insufferable again though her wig has rebounded to pre-crash heights. Also legit: WHERE CAN I BUY HER ENTIRE CAT SWEATSHIRT COLLECTION?

Present day Misty is still blonder than the pilot, still definitely insane. I don’t even know what to call this hair color. Off-beige?! This wig is so very distracting I just can’t you guys.

Also Misty takes an old lady out for cocktails in order to spy on Juliette Lewis and ORDERS A CHOCOLATE MARTINI. EMERGENCY, YOU GUYS. THIS WOMAN IS NOT OK AND NEITHER AM I NOW.

I realize that I’m leaving out like 70% of storylines on this show for lack of wigs. HOWEVER, in this episode, the character of Tai who is running for NJ state senate or something (who cares!) and THIS WOMAN shows up at some fundraiser!! #1 - THE ONLY THING PEOPLE EVER ASK THE YELLOWJACKET WOMEN ABOUT IS BEING A YELLOWJACKET. THE. ONLY. THING. It’s wild. #2 Is this supposed to be a wig within the context of the show? Let us all hope so because this wig is very obvious, very shiny and NEEDS TO WATCH ITS TONE. 

Back at gun school, Travis (the one teenage dude) is REALLY trying to prove his manliness. I HATE TRAVIS THERE I SAID IT. Not as much as I hate Natalie’s wig of course, but duh.

In a flashback (within a flashback!) we see pre-crash (and pre-blonde!) Natalie living in some kind of trailerpark Lifetime movie and it is ROUGH you guys. The wig is somewhat more rough, but still not as rough as the blonde one post-crash.

THIS WAS MY FACE DURING THIS ENTIRE FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. WOOF! Anyway, I’m glad Natalie’s dad died and yay for her being able to use a gun? BOO ON THIS WIG FOREVER.

BUT BOO ON THIS BLONDE WIG FOREVER AND EVER AMEN. #90s (Also Natalie shot a deer so they can eat but it’s not cannibalism BOO)

Episode 5 

CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10

Now Christina Ricci’s wig is darker? This wig is seriously gaslighting me, you guys. But Misty is gaslighting everyone else so I guess: FAIR.

OF COURSE Misty is a Citizen Detective (officially?) and uses her nerdy connections to help Juliette Lewis uncover wtf happened to Travis. This wig looks no better under bar lighting, FYI.

Back at the crash, Coach Ben has HAD IT with Misty and, you know, how she keeps trying to help him via poisoning him. Still: her wig is lethal and should come with a chemical warning.

Meanwhile, all the girls’ periods have synced up (UGH WHY IS THIS ALWAYS A STORYLINE WITH GROUPS OF GIRLS) which conveniently leads to us discovering that young Shauna is pregnant. However, I do appreciate that this show tackles survivalist maxi pads which I don’t believe Lost ever even attempted. 

Also: that cabin is still creepy! Creepy enough that Jackie suggests a friggin SEANCE CAN YOU BELIEVE. Misty’s wig sadly doesn’t catch on fire, but Lottie gets possessed! I was here for it!

The possession is broken by that one token religious girl throwing a bible (not bc it was a bible I don’t think - books are just heavy?) Also: Natalie’s wig when pulled back into a ponytail NEEDS AN EXORCISM.

Episode 6

CANNIBAL WIGS: 8/10

This episode was kind of boring! Natalie and Travis (who are definitely gonna have sex - yuck) shot a deer full of maggots! Double yuck also still not cannibalism. BORING!

However: MISTY’S HAIR IS SO BLONDE NOW WTF. This wigmaster keeps changing wigs on us like we’re not going to notice. UNLESS MISTY SOMEHOW HAD SUN-IN WITH HER ON THIS TRIP WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY #90s AND VERY MISTY.

Natalie’s wig is also blonder!! YOU GUYS! WHAT! IF THIS IS NOT A SUN-IN PRODUCT PLACEMENT THEN THIS IS INEXCUSABLE! 

Back in present day, Misty is still bonkers and her hair is still...off-beige? She is now holding a reporter hostage which is very Misery and I think Kathy Bates would honestly be proud.

Episode 7

CANNIBAL WIGS: 9/10

Ok so I realize that I really have been ignoring Tai but it’s only because I find her to be one of the more boring characters? Also: wigless. HOWEVER, that all changes this episode because THIS BITCH SLEEPWALKS AND EATS DIRT. Sadly, this means her creepy kid isn’t actually having creepy visions of a mystery woman - it’s just his dirt eating mom. BORING!

Young Tai is getting less boring, too, because she is SICK of cabin life and decides to break free by leading an expedition to...over the mountain maybe? I don’t know but the important part is that SHE GIVES HERSELF A HAIRCUT. WELCOME TO CANNIBAL WIG LEVEL, TAI!

This wig is not great but as wigs on this show go...it is actually maybe the best one? Probably just because it is very very short. It is fine! Also Tai’s (secret) girlfriend Van likes the new lewk and comes along on the expedition which IS A TERRIBLE IDEA BECAUSE VAN’S FACE IS HALF EATEN OFF BY WOLVES. YES YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY. And whilst Tai sleepwalked into a goddamned tree! WHAT. Anyway, Van’s face is a MESS and they almost burn her body but then SHE COMES BACK TO LIFE AND VAN IS INDESTRUCTIBLE VAN4EVER.

Misty also goes on the mountain expedition and puts this wig in a half pony! NOOOOOO. This wig just keeps getting worse and sadly is yet to be eaten by wolves. 

UGH NATALIE AND TRAVIS. These two are insufferable. But nothing is worse than this platinum blonde wig back in a ponytail!!!

Anyway, this hookup from hell is cut short either because they tried to have sex in an open window or I don’t know whatever - who cares? Natalie’s wig is SO SAD about it but at least Travis tried to use protection (seriously why did coach Ben have so many condoms?!) Safety first, you guys! 

Back in contemporary times, Christina Ricci has gone full Annie Wilkes and I love it. SHE LOVES IT! Bitch is having so much fun! Her wig remains a mess but nothing new on that front. Also the boring blackmailing subplot that I wasn’t really paying attention to comes to a head and results in a blackmailer covered in GLITTER but not in the fun Mariah Carey way. 

Episode 8

CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10

Trouble in non the opposite of paradise! NATALIE AND TRAVIS KIND OF BROKE UP BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T HAVE SEX?! Ugh whatever DON’T CARE. Travis is literally the only dude on earth and even though he is mopey and boring and sucks at hunting, all the girls suddenly want him and HE SUCKS! SO DOES NATALIE’S WIG! Oh also Jackie really sucks for telling Travis about Natalie sleeping with his sworn enemy and telling everyone that Shauna is pregnant. UGH JACKIE. However: VAN IS ALIVE! VAN4EVER!

But really: in what world are we supposed to believe this is not a wig? It is such a bad wig that Natalie is starting to look like wigmaster’s enemy Anya Taylor-Joy so WOOF. Anyway, a big part of this episode was devoted to the jesus-y girl LAURA LEE who is such a southern bible-belt character shoehorned into this NJ soccer narrative that I refuse to give her any attention (plus she’s wigless). Anyway, she attended Mary Magdalene Summer camp (I knew religious people liked hookers!) and hit her head in a pool or something and now she knows how to fly a plane and y’all THIS IS WILD. Everyone is just like: ok we will CUT DOWN TREES so you can fly an old propeller plane for us to freedom?! THEY’RE LOGGERS NOW?!?!?!?! Obviously, the plane, Laura Lee, AND HER TEDDY BEAR immediately combust. Sayonara!

Coach Ben knew the plane was a bad idea but no one is listening to Coach Ben anymore (plus dude actually logged some trees to support the plane idea UGH). HOWEVER this was a big episode because it was revealed that Coach Ben is gay! SHANTAY YOU STAY!! But why are you confiding in the chick with the worst hair?!?!! FOR SHAME!

Back in 2021, Misty’s wig has gotten dusty as HELL. It’s probably from going down in the basement so much to deal with her kidnap victim but still: this wig is not aging well. Oh also! That rando Shauna is having an affair with is maybe someone bad! DUH!

Also! Tai and her fabulous coif have a sleepover party at Shauna’s and I DEMAND ANSWERS about this Prince Harry themed “You Can Still Marry Harry” poster which is definitely circa 2011 when Prince William got married AKA A DECADE AGO - WHY WOULD SHAUNA’S TEENAGE DAUGHTER HAVE THIS AND ALSO DOES SHAUNA’S DAUGHTER JUST LIVE AT ALANA’S HOUSE NOW WTF?!

Episode 9 

CANNIBAL WIGS: 8/10

THIS EPISODE. You guys. I can’t. The crash survivors have concluded that they are definitely all gonna starve to death with impending winter so LET’S THROW A HOMECOMING DANCE. The idea that girls just wanna have a dance is eyeroll-inducing but not as much as the fact that they call it DOOMSCOMING and also somehow manage to all have formalwear AND make Etsy-level woodland decorations for the affair. TRULY: NO. Not since A Quiet Place served bespoke farmhouse wedding vibes has anything seemed so extra and insane in a post-apocalyptic world. 

Honestly, if they put 1/10th the amount of effort they clearly put into making these MATCHING FORMAL EYEPATCHES maybe they wouldn’t need an end of the world event? It must have taken 1000x the amount of time to make Lottie’s antler queen headdress alone as it seems to take them to find worms to eat! NO!

Anyway, Van and Tai’s lesbian smooch ALMOST inspires Coach Ben to out himself to the group at large but not quite! Why he would lead Misty along when he could simply tell her he doesn’t even like her gender is mystifying but so is this entire affair.

Misty really dolls herself up and her hair basically looks the way it did pre-crash? I would LOVE to know how these girls are maintaining their hair by only having access to a lake AND how Coach Ben is keeping his whites so white but NO TIME FOR THAT - MISTY HAS A TRAPPER KEEPER FULL OF POISON MUSHROOMS! OF COURSE SHE DOES! In an attempt to poison Coach Ben (AGAIN!) she shrooms the entire group via mushroom stew. Only Jackie manages to waste the VERY VIABLE FOOD so that she can go have sex with Travis. 

NATALIE IS SAD ABOUT IT! Coach Ben comforts her about it and although he clearly has access to hair products, does not offer her ANY when clearly this wig is the most thirsty it has EVER BEEN! C’MON BEN! They also figure out about the shrooms!

It is very too late to tell the group who have COMPLETELY LOST THEIR MIND ON SHROOMS and proceed to lead a savage revenge party on the sex cabin and try to rape/murder Travis. I don’t like Travis but as the token teen boy, it really sucks to be him right now? Unless this is his thing which it might be - ugh, Travis. Also I keep forgetting he has a little brother who is collateral shroom damage in all this and is told to run away and is DEFINITELY gonna die.

UNLESS! He is the grown up dude Shauna was having an affair with and for sure just murdered so oh well I guess we’ll never know? JULIETTE LEWIS IS PISSED ABOUT IT! So pissed that she goes back to Misty who is trying out lipstick with her hostage victim which is honestly very Stockholm syndrome on the level of Ruthless People. Misty OF COURSE will help them dispose of this body (whoever he is!) as long as they can all be galpals. 

Oh and her wig is INCREDIBLY DEFLATED in this episode as is the will to live by this reporter/hostage who definitely will die no matter what. 

Episode 10

CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10

WE MADE IT TO THE LAST EPISODE!! Are you still reading this? Am I still writing this? What is real and what is a shroom hallucination?!?! WHO KNOWS! It’s the day after DOOMSCOMING and everyone had a NIGHT. LOOK AT NATALIE’S WIG!! Even though it saved stupid Travis from death (THIS TIME!) this wig is never gonna be the same. YIKES. Jackie and Shauna for SURE are never gonna be the same since Jackie reveals that she 100% read Shauna’s journal (writing a journal has a 1000% guarantee someone else will read it! Paper trail, people!) After QUOTING BEACHES (I’m not kidding), Shauna banishes Jackie from the suddenly cozy ass creepy cabin which now has Quiet Place farmhouse vibes UGH. 

Meanwhile: HOW IS VAN’S FACE HEALED SO WELL! HALF OF IT WAS GONE RECENTLY FROM A WOLF ATTACK! As someone who has recently undergone oral surgery and several rounds of antibiotics, I can confirm that Van is a marvel of (lack of) modern medicine. Also now she has an asymmetrical wig? YOU DO YOU VAN! Also: Tai’s wig is still fine. Misty’s wig is awful but so is Misty and no one is letting her near them because she shroomed them all. FAIR!  Not fair? JACKIE DIED OF HYPOTHERMIA ! WHAT?! I mean sure: she had no viable survivalist skills other than bullying, manipulation and journal reading but wouldn’t she have begged to come inside if she was freezing to death?? THIS BITCH DIED OF PRIDE! Shauna falls to her knees and screams which this show seems to think is something people do a lot (Jackie herself did it when the jesus plane exploded!) Anyway: aren’t Natalie and Travis also outside being cold? WHERE IS JAVI?!?!?!

THESE ARE ALL GONNA HAVE TO BE CLIFFHANGERS TIL SEASON 2 HARRUMPH. MOVING ON: THIS BITCH! I guess I must have missed something with all the shrooming and death but I have no clue who this person is however SHE THREW THE CLASS OF 1996 25th REUNION. She is also the only character in this entire show where people grew up in New Jersey who actually has a New Jersey accent. ONLY IMPORTANT PLOTHOLE. Her hair is so beachy housewife and I’m here for this bitch and how awkward she makes everyone feel.

(MISTY STILL MAKES EVERYONE FEEL MORE AWKWARD). This wig is still VERY DEFLATED but Misty is living her best life! She helped her frenemies dispose of a body, recouped some rubbermaids, murdered a hostage via poisoned cigarette and WORE THIS TUXEDO JACKET. More on fashion later but so much happened in this episode! Tai won her stupid political whatever by maybe making a satanic dog sacrifice (unless her kid did?), Shauna’s husband actually isn’t a cheater but is a blackmailer, Shauna burned some popcorn, and JULIETTE LEWIS BREAKS A SNACK MACHINE THEN TRIES TO KILL HERSELF ONLY TO BE STOLEN AWAY BY CULT MEMBERS. THERE ARE SO MANY LOOSE ENDS FOR SEASON 2.

BUT WHO CARES - FASHION!!!! I think we are all that dude in the striped polo when I say: THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE AN ENTRANCE. I want everything that all these bitches are wearing. Also: are we to believe that this reunion is the same day as election day (or day after when results were called?) WHO HAS A MIDWEEK REUNION. I DEMAND ANSWERS! 

ALSO THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONCRETE CANNIBALISM IN THIS SHOW AS I WAS PROMISED! ONLY CANNIBAL WIGS! BOO!

(Yes, I’ll watch season 2).

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ