#valeriacarrow

“I just want to say... We don’t really have any ugly buggers around here, there must be something in the water at Hogwarts nowadays, don’t you think. What a difficult decision to make but I suppose someone has to judge you, right? For Gryffindor my personal picks are Dorian Shacklebolt, Brent Nott, Val Carrow and Zina McGonagall. Hufflepuff, Eddie Slughorn, Jaxon Thomas, Yuna Moon, Allison Longbottom and Arden Delacour. Ravenclaw is up; Zach Zabini, Peter Parkinson, Wendy Weasley, Sibella Rosier and Ro Weasley owns my entire heart. Slytherin has Teddy Lupin, Albus Potter, Nora Vector and Nadia Zabini who can step on me whenever she pleases. Go cry about it, sweetheart.”

Excuse me? I understand Val’s brand of lunacy could be considered hot under the right circumstances, but there is no way Alex Ollivander would waste his god-given good looks on a lifetime of Valeria Carrow temper tantrums. This has got to be a shotgun wedding.

“Between Moralez having a weird authority kink, Carrow trying to set him on fire, and Lestrange -- um -- quite literally shitting on him, I think we can agree Brent Nott the very least deserves a long vacation. And preferably a ways away so we can actually live as well. No offense, Nott, you’re still cute.”

“Holding hands like an actual couple? I’m going to need receipts, please, because last I checked hell hadn’t frozen over. Alex, sweetie, when you get tired of riding the crazy train, call me.”