Saturday. Usually it was a day of rest and not much else. Celeste's day on a Saturday usually consisted of just snuggling in bed with her faithful little dog Kenna watching something or another on Netflix. But not today. Today, Celeste was beyond restless and the mere thought of staying home had her feeling literally sick. So what had she done? Set Kenna up with food, water, and treats - then proceeded to get dressed. Something she never did on a Saturday unless she had to work. Which wasn't too much of an occurrence, both thankfully and unthankfully. She really needed to get out more outside just work. She needed to get out of her head, a place that she stayed in all her spare time that truly just wasn't a safe space to be in. Though she hadn't planned it, that's exactly what the day would consist of.

Leaving the house, Celeste got in her car and just drove. No destinations in mind. No company to be had. Just the blonde, her car, the radio, and the open road. Well, Not so open. It was New York after all, there was no chance of avoiding traffic. But still the thought and purpose remained the same. She drove and drove, until she'd stumbleupon something that caught her attention. It was those moments she would pull over for, and shut the car off before getting out to stretch her legs and explore. Thanks to her restlessness, the blonde found plenty of new spots she had never discovered before and now adored. She took plenty of pictures of them all, to sort through and possibly print out for her photo wall later on. She wanted to remember this day. She wanted to remember, that adventure did still exist even if you were on your own. She wanted to remember, that this city was gorgeous and her home even in her bad moments where all she wanted was to go crawling back home to a past she was constantly running from.

Endless spots later, The blonde came to one more. She was far from her home in Queens now, in a little hidden garden she hadn't a clue the location of. Nor did she even care, she'd find out later before she left if she didn't get kicked out of it first. She didn't know if it was private property or what, but honestly she didn't care. This place was exactly what she needed. She needed a place of beauty, to remind her that the world was a beautiful place not just full of terror and the unknown. Pulling her bag up on her shoulder, the blonde walked further in. Finding a little swing to sit on, placing her bag down beside her. "Perfection." Celeste spoke softly, digging in her bag for her notebook and her pen. She didn't know why, but something was compelling her to write. Something was compelling her to just, get everything out there in the world somehow. And since she couldn't seem to talk about it all in depth, this was the only true way to get it done. "Here goes nothing?" She spoke once more, placing her pen to the paper where it soon began to swim in a sea of words.

Dear Jaxson,

My husband. My first love. And.. My worst nightmare. Yeah, I know. You didn't do shxt. Whatever. Believe whatever lies you have to, to live with the monster we both know is inside you. The monster that took OUR child out of the world before they ever had a chance! I want to hate you. I really do. I wish I had it in me to. But I can't. In my heart, you'll always be good. My sweetheart. What I thought would be my forever love. But in my head? I know better. I know you're a monster as well. Two completely opposite things, in one human. I don't understand how it's possible but it is. You're both. You'll always be both.

Do you wanna know something? I still dream of you. Even after all this time. It's such a beautiful dream, for a while. It's you and me, happier than we ever were in our best moments. Watching our little baby play and learn. Hand in hand. But as soon as dream you kisses me and I open my eyes? The world turns black and white. Our child, laying dead on the floor below your feet as you lose your temper like you did so often and screamed at me with a raised fist. Do you realize how fucked up that is? How much it hurts to wake up from that? The brief blissful moments of hope, cut to hell with the truth. I wake up crying every dxmn time, and can't stop until I've made myself sick. How do you feel knowing that? Like literal shxt, I sincerly hope. But I doubt it.

I don't know why I'm writing this. It isn't because I want to hurt you. Cause I know you are incapable of that. You have been since before we got married. Before you say it or think it, no I don't blame daddy for your sins. Yes, He made us get married. But YOU got me pregnant and didn't want to step up. In his own misguided way, he thought he was helping fix that for me and the baby. You don't deserve to know this, but you didn't deserve me doing it either so.. What the hell. I never told anyone that you caused the miscarriage. I kept it vague, and never told a soul the truth. Not even Ana. You're welcome. I kept at least some of your precious rep in tact. When I could've so easily ruined you before I left. But honestly.. I just needed away from you as fast as possible. Yes, Just YOU Jaxson. I left my home and my family, because you made me sick. You STILL do.

God. Why am I writing this again? Oh right. To finally move on. Thanks to you, I've been stuck for years. No, I haven't stayed faithful. You don't deserve my faithfulness anyways. But I've never truly been able to let go and move on, cause your ghost is always there to remind me that I should be afraid. Fxck you for that. Fxck you for everything you've done to hurt me and our poor perfect baby who never got a chance. I still grieve for them.. Yet I'm sure you haven't thought about them once. I can't keep just rambling and blaming you, though I'm in the right to. So I have one more thing to say - No, I don't miss you. I never will. But I do miss that innocent boy I fell in love with when I was fourteen. The one who treated me like a goddess princess when I was just a hopeless dreamer. If you ever find him.. Let me know. I'd love to thank him for all the good memories I hold so dear still. But to the you who exists now? The man with a monster in his soul? Good riddance.

Celeste.

P.S. Don't come looking for me. Even when I finally make it, which I could've done already if it wasn't for my fear of you btw, and it's easy to. Keep the hell away from me.