#uugggh

Mary closed the distance with a chaste peck, leaving her jaw to rest on his shoulder, brushing against his back. They had forced their relationship to rebuild slowly over the months, no explosive sex, no sleepovers... just lots of talking. Sharing. Opening up about things they never had the time to talk about and the time after the Reaper War. It was a strange kind of intimacy when she let her arms encircle his waist, a test of what they would both accept.

"Difficult? I'm not sure what I've defied yet," her gaze briefly wandered to the package in his hands, "is something up?"

Kaidan chuckled, pressing his lips against her skull, "maybe I'm striking preemptively; you never know. But I have something you for- my mom made it so be nice."

She yoinked the package from him, falling ass-first onto her bed before she tore impatiently into the package. Out tumbled another sweater, a plain grey turtleneck with a doubled-up cuff. Best of all, it was huge, Kaidan likely playing a part in that. Mary grinned up at him, "this is nice."

"Well, hurry up and put it on," he urged.

Mary took her turn at the eye-rolling, "for what, Alenko? Yes, Canada is cold, but I'm inside."

"What if we're not staying inside?"

"Really, Alenko?" she half whined, but it was a show. She was excited to go outside, it was starting to snow and she felt restless.

"Come on! Let us celebrate your official release, I had to convince everyone else that breaking you out was grounds for war. Something about assaulting an Alliance Base being a terrible idea..." his grin widened, "though, Garrus had some solid plans."

"Fine," Shepard didn't fight the grin as she wrestled on the sweater. It was much bulkier than she expected, even the sleeves far too long, and the neck threatened to swallow her face. She let it rest below eye level, lumbering over to Kaidan.

The pure silliness emanating from the woman tugged at his heart; this was a much different person from the Officer that commanded the Normandy.

His hands took her face, lowering the fabric to kiss her gently, "looks good, Shepard."

"It might be a bit big."

He caught her eyes wandering to the sweater he wore and his chuckle escaped," you'll have to ask."

"You didn't," her face turned brighter under his touch, only the trace of a scar left along her jawline.

It was another game they had played aboard the Normandy- as high school as taking your lover's clothing was, Mary found simple pleasure in it. In the privacy of her cabin, it was comfortable to wear something a few sizes too large and his subtle smell on the clothing made it better. She'd pretend to steal an article of clothing here and there, or he'd forget to take something with him. Kaidan enjoyed occasionally finding her wrapped up in his shirt and her signature pooh bear PJ shorts. It was a rare human moment for the Commander- Captain, hopefully, less rare in the future.

"That's stealing," she harrumphed.

Kaidan retook her lips, she froze for a moment from the surprise but eagerly complied. God, he loved this woman.

"And I can't have you going out looking that hot," she murmured on his lips, "we'll just have to trade."

"A little possessive there-," he pulled the sweater off, revealing his shirtless form, "at least take me to dinner first."

She was a little distracted but followed suit, tearing her gaze away, "I know a place with steak."

"Heh. Now, now that is how you butter me up."

"Kaidan," Mary faltered on three beats, "this look better?"

Those weren't the three words he expected, "beautiful as ever, Mary." He carefully trained his gaze on her pretty blue eyes, watching them sparkle brighter for a second. She wouldn't acknowledge the compliment, but it was her favorite.

"Where we going?"

A classic Shepard deflection.

"You did mention steak."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

With full bellies, Kaidan guided them through the decorated square. Christmas music drifted gently from all directions mixing with the sounds of life. Deep laughter, feet on fresh snow, and the wafting smells emanating from the food stands. Mary grew a little quiet, so he gently took her hand.

"Is this too much?"

She shook her head, "I just remembered what tomorrow is."

He nodded, December eleventh, the day of the final push on the Reapers. Three years from the day, there was a lot to mourn and as much to celebrate. Mary just struggled to remember the latter, often caught in the sacrifices made to get to and on that day.

"Do we need to head back?"

Mary shook her head.

"You sure."

"It's fine," the smile was only a little forced, "just let me center."

"Sit down, and I'll be right back."

"Really-"

"Mary, please."

"I don't want to ruin-"

"You're not, but sit."

The Captain sighed heavily but parked her ass on a bench. Distracting herself as she studied a nearby pine tree all decked up in lights. The bright blue lighting of the home fabrication building. Watched the people walk by, comforted in a moment of invisibility to let the knot in her chest loosen. It was too much to expect it to disappear, but it could be made less heavy. If life could return to normal for all these people, it could for her.

The Major returned with two paper cups, steam rising from the vent, "drink."

"I'm pretty full."

"Just drink. It will help you focus on something else," his frown grew a smidge.

Her mouth was met with sudden sweetness; hot chocolate was not her jam, even when seasoned with cinnamon. Kaidan seemed satisfied, even if she grimaced.

"Mary, I just-"

"Kaidan," her interruption hinted with exasperation, "is something up?"

He reeled, forcing out a grumbling chuckle, "what do you mean?"

"You've been acting a little strange."

"I mean," he rubbed at the back of his neck, eyes pinned on the ground, "hell, Shepard. Can one part of this relationship be normal?"

"You didn't have to drag me out here just to break up with me," her voice came out small.

"No- I'm not," he suddenly turned to look at her, running a finger along a cheek and rested it on her lip, gently taking up her chin. Once his drink was in no danger of spilling her held her other hand, "that's the last thing on my mind. It's the future. Mine. Yours. "

"I feel like I am missing something."

His smile drooped, and his head turned away, staring straight into the building in front of them, "what do you want, Mary?"

Freedom was a hell of a thing. After spending so much time in duress, were forging forward for the future was the only option. That freedom was foreign, alien. Her career had also taken a lot of her choice, and she was content with that life. Now, with her field wide open, she didn't know how to run. Her family would be scattered, irrevocably. If she stayed with the Alliance, could she be with Kaidan? If she didn't retire from the Spectre life, her priorities were further in shambles. Mary didn't want to return to further solitude, making her way without companionship and connection. But the thought of returning to active duty terrified her- she had seen and caused enough bloodshed for one person. So much seemed in question. In reality, it was hard to admit what she wanted—a peaceful place to return home to more often than not.

Her time aboard the Normandy had been the closest to calling anything home since Mindoir, almost twenty years ago.

Did Kaidan want that with her? That was the biggest hurdle, deciding to start that process alone and hoping he caught up... if that is what he wanted. She knew her name wouldn't give her all the time in the world to delay a decision.

It hardly helped that the biotic didn't look at her, completely removed from her in all ways. The tangle in her heart spread into her throat, pathetically as it echoed; nowhere would really feel like home without him. Not for a long time anyway. As challenging, heartbreaking, and frustrating her time with Alenko had proven to be-, he had remained stable. A solid foundation.

"You," the word spat out, "I still love you and-"

The Shepard bravery only went so far with emotions, her hand stopping inches from his thigh. It was a boundary she was afraid to cross. She was already too bold.

Kaidan's gaze left the building, returning suddenly to her. Mary retracted only to be stopped by Kaidan yanking both of them from the bench, pulling her tightly into his arms. His nose nuzzling her cheek before moving to her ear, a hand cradling the base of her skull, "I've always loved you, through all these years, through..." his voice a whisper, "through everything. I'm the luckiest man alive. I don't know where all of this will go- our careers, our lives, but I want to be with you. No matter how slow I have to take things. If that's a no, or a not yet, I promise it won't hurt me."

Mary titled her head and furrowed her brows, a no?

Kaidan chuckled, his belly rolling as the laughter overtook him. Forcing him to step away from her, needing his forearms to counteract his balance as he crumpled inward.

"Kaidan?"

Shepard watched him compose himself with growing impatience, arms folding tightly across her chest. Whatever joke she was the butt of, it wasn't funny. Not now.

"Mary," Kaidan's voice turning to the graveled cadence that made her tummy flutter. The man closed the distance between them again, turning her body in the direction of the storefront, "you don't have to decide now. We don't have to go in, and you can even tell me to get lost."

Oh. OOH.

The home fabrication company. The home fabrication company she had been sitting in front of for the last several minutes.

"Kaidan..." it must have been the snow prickling at the corner of her eye.

"Shepard, Mary- I can't promise to know what happens next. I just- I just want a place for both of us. I have some property and I thought... hoped that it could," he took in a steadying breath, the pressure of his hands a somewhat uncomfortable, "that we could make it our own. Somewhere soft for us to land, whenever we can make the time."

"Or as much as possible?" Mary pivoted, hooking her fingers into his pockets, "we could both quit, everything! Retire and watch every sunset!"

Kaidan stole a kiss, "I'm not sure the Shepard I know could sit still that long."

"You'd have the time to teach me," Mary kept him close, practically grinning into his mouth.

"You know, I think I'd have better luck potty training Kalros," Kaidan mused, wisely knowing what Thresher Maw Mary could handle mention of, "but I think I get your meaning. You'll try to stick it out with me?"

"I can handle an outdated L2."

"Outdated!? Ouch."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

"Everyone would understand if this is too much," Kaidan murmured beside her, "and if you want company, I'd rather be with you."

Mary slowly turned to look at him, the flickering of the white string lights illuminating the contours of her face and the flash of annoyance in her eyes. That was fair, it felt like the millionth time he had beat around that bush. He wanted her to feel comfortable, to not push her into anything that might trigger a reaction. Yes, she could handle herself, but he had to ask. To make sure.

Kaidan had made sure springing the party on her wasn't an utter surprise. Spilling the beans shortly after they had left Alliance Headquarters. Shepard seemed genuinely excited, and he was hopeful; her time sequestered away had chipped at the edges exposed after the war. By all means, she had been cleared by the professionals, but that didn't mean complete freedom. He knew that from experience.

"Traynor better have brought along another bottle of Serrice Ice," she grinned, "Chakwas and I have our tradition to fulfill."

Mary grabbed his hand, pulling him another few steps through the snow and closer to his parent's place. Already it was lit up, and the drifting of music wafted over the otherwise quiet plot. She paused within casual eyesight of a window, watching the figures within with a soft sigh. Kaidan slowly put an arm around her waist.

The glitter of snow in her hair was beautiful.

"You were right," she said with a snort, "I found a way."

"I never doubted you," placing his lips firmly against her temple.

Her head tilted up at him, eyes drinking him in, "I have an answer to your question."

Kaidan waited.

"Jane was me, before the Alliance. My original name... before Toombs took pity on a Batarian's slave," Mary's glance softened, "I thought you deserved to know."

"If-"