#utiku

@vagusvenus #adoring #periwinkle #bigplans #crochet #grannysquare #keepitsimple #utiku #corridale #8ply

Found myself out here again today in my head, trying to think, trying to put the pieces together from a night recently that has left me confused. Looking at pictures of my home has become the biggest part of my day, much like it was when I first moved here. It clears my head and takes me back to who I was before I knew what a different kind of loss could feel like. I'm filled with peace when I think of the safety of my mothers arms and what the breeze smelled like blowing from the mountains. My horses mane pressed right up into my face. The fresh green hills remind me of the parts of myself that will always remain pure and untouched - eases doubts and regret knowing I'll always have a place where these didn't exist. It doesn't ease the ache though, it increases too quick till im blinking back blurry vision and swallowing down the urge to let it out. I want to be sitting right here at the top of the hill so badly. I think about the ways my life could be different right now, what I'd be doing if it had gone down the path it almost did. Pain hits when I realise I'm sometimes disappointed and angry that it didn't. All the ways I could love the world differently, and be something entirely to someone, its cruel to keep doing this to myself, to keep escaping to a time thats now distant and fading but still so raw inside. Id give anything to be home for a while, just for a day or a minute or even a second I'd give the world