#usual problems

But I get so disheartened?

I post my stuff here and on AO3. I know I'm not a big blog here and so I can sort of ignore the lack of reactions to my work by blaming it on the fact that it drowns quickly after posting because there are no reblogs except my own and maybe 1 or 2 others and I'm a small fish in a biiiiiig sea.

It's harder with AO3. There, I can see the hits vs likes and on fics that get ~300 hits...it's hard to feel my writing is worth anything when there's maybe 10-20 likes.

Didn't all the other people reading enjoy it? Is it that bad? I know I'm not amazing but still...

I put a lot of effort into my fics. I write in a language that's not my native tongue. I have someone else help me proof read it. I spent ages plotting before even getting to the point of typing it out.

I guess my point is: why do I bother posting if people don't like what I do?

I know, writing fanfic ought to be for myself and not for others. I like sharing, is the thing. Or I liked. I don't know. I just wish there was more feedback. That if people "consumed" my "product" and if they liked it that I'd somehow know.

Anyways...rant over.

As you probably know, a single macpie is a bad omen in British and some other European folk-magic (1 magpie = bad luck, 2 magpies = good luck, 3 magpies = a dude is hiding somewhere etc.). Usually there is strats to cacle out the offending bird as traditionally you're supposed to spit on the ground when you see one, but people in my office are not particularly chuffed about me spitting on the carpeted floor every few minutes - thought abozt getting a spittoon or just using a vase we have standing around but I also don't want to come across even more redneck than I already do (I work in a metropolitan area and people are kind of suspicious of me after I let slip that I've touched a sheep before). I'm also pretty sure that my life genrally kind of sucking lately is at least partially an effect of the magpie curse. I'm also quite eco-conscoious so I don't really see myself punch a bird and I'm kind of running out of ideas now - maybe I could introduce several more magpies to the parkinglot to raise the chance of actually getting good magpei fortune or something?

And it sucks because I’m told all the time of how my mother and I are so different. But the fear is there, and I don’t know if i’d be able to handle the guilt of emotionally abusing my loved one because I couldn’t get help for my own shit. 

If I date one day, cool. 

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