#usersquee

Of course Akk would never go against Theo’s parents' wishes. He sees himself as an outsider, he’s the neighbor, the loud one, the messy one, he’s rough around the edges. He used to be like that as a kid too, bouncing off the walls with energy, clothes constantly stained with dirt from playing too hard. He remembers trying to keep himself in check whenever Theo’s parents were around them, he remembers feeling out of place in their pristine house with a piano and a swimming pool. It all would fade out when they were in Theo’s bedroom, just the two of them exploring whatever new imaginary world Theo had planned out for them that day. The moment the door would open, however, the illusion would be shattered and Akk would be reminded that he should try to be good. Theo’s parents won’t let him play with their son if they think he’s a bad influence. 

And when Theo had gone away, his parents had stayed. Akk doesn’t even notice whenever he unconsciously combs his hair with his hand or quickly dusts off his clothes any time he runs into Theo’s parents, even now that Theo isn’t there anymore. Just in case he’d come back, he thinks, he still needs to make a good impression. He wants them to know him as a respectable neighbor. He keeps his fridge stocked on the off chance they might need to borrow an egg someday, even though they don’t seem the kind of people to enjoy cooking in their spare time. That would be Theo’s grandma, but she’s in France with him. The day they finally ring his doorbell, however, they’re not asking to borrow anything. They’re telling him they’re getting a divorce, and if he could please not tell Theo because they’ll handle it wherever they feel it’s most appropriate.

Akk hasn’t spoken to Theo since he left for France, so he’s definitely not going to look for him on social media just to inform him that his parents have split up, but his heart aches for him. The Theo he remembers growing up with is a dreamer, a romantic at heart, with a vivid imagination fueled by the nurturing and loving environment he grew up in. Akk wishes he could be there when Theo finds out. He’d make sure to let Theo know his parents still love him dearly, and that their love for him will never disappear. 

It’s not his place to do so, however. Theo must have made new friends in France, and they’ll be the shoulders he’ll cry on when he finds out. Akk is just the neighbor. He stops buying extra eggs, but he still keeps an eye on the house whenever he walks by it. Seeing it empty and dark shatters him. It’s like the final tie that was still binding him to Theo has been cut and now they only exist in the past. Theo will forever be a black and white memory in his heart, a seven year old boy with round cheeks and wavy hair. 

One night Akk’s walking by the house and there’s someone trying to get in, and of course his good neighbor instincts kick in, even though there’s no parents to impress. There’s a grown up Theo underneath him, though. A beautiful, tall, still soft and prince-like Theo, confused as to why his house would be empty and dark at night. They haven’t told him yet. Akk can’t tell him, he can’t break him seconds after getting him back. He offers Theo food and a place to stay for the night, he refuses to let himself start dreaming about the possibility of a future next to him. 

When Theo talks about France, his eyes sparkle. Paris, the city of love with its boulevards and parks and bridges, had been the perfect fit for him. He tells him about the movie-like atmosphere, the language that could make even the foulest of words sound sweet, the tasty cuisine and the unpredictable weather. He tells him about the loneliness, the feeling of not belonging, of constantly being a foreigner even after years spent there. He’d been a spectator of that movie-like atmosphere, not a protagonist. He’d witnessed it, daydreamed in it, absorbed it and built fantasy scenarios for himself, and at the end he’d gone back to Thailand with nothing to show for it. 

That’s how Theo has always been, and it’s comforting for Akk to see that he hasn’t changed. It’s worrying too, because it makes him so much more prone to heartbreak. Theo lives in his own little world made of idealized standards, of unreachable perfection and absolute love. Akk tries his best to fit in, to let Theo know he’d do anything to be allowed inside that realm. Saying yes and following along has never come easier to him, if Theo is doing the asking and the leading.

Akk knows that lying is bad, he knows that Theo will eventually find out, but the words just don’t seem to be able to leave his mouth whenever Theo talks about his parents and how in love they are. He talks about them like they’re characters in a novel, like nothing could ever come between them and that’s the kind of love Theo seeks for himself. Akk just can’t bring himself to break the spell, to shatter his dream and inform him that it’s already over. You don’t stop growing once you’re no longer a teen, and sharing a life together means continuing to grow together, and sometimes the two paths start diverging. 

Theo dreams of a soulmate who will always be a parallel line to him, and sometimes Akk feels the exact opposite. He’s so different from him he feels like a perpendicular line, an obstacle placed in front of Theo’s future, keeping him from going forward. The urge to step back and run off is always there, but for some reason Theo has decided his fantasy world needs Akk in it too. They go on a treasure hunt that’s more of a wild goose chase, and the plot of it is so ridiculous that it fits perfectly with what they’ve been playing. At some point Akk realizes that the author behind it couldn’t be anyone other than Theo, but he continues to go along with it because there’s nothing else he could do. He’s been acting in Theo’s plays ever since he was a kid, so it’s easy to pretend. 

What they find at the end of the hunt is a different version of themselves, a braver one. A version of themselves where Theo is brave enough to admit he’s been directing the whole thing and Akk is brave enough to believe he’s wanted. The setup for their kiss is dreamlike, but the way they stumble into it, the fumbling hands, the cold air, the nerves tensing up his muscles and  the background noises make sure to remind him that it’s all real. 

The kiss is real but everything else still feels like a dream. Theo wants to hold his hand, wants to take him places and share his future plans with him, and Akk has been lying to him for months. The worst part about it is that he’s lying for selfish reasons: he’s not sure he could stand seeing Theo heartbroken. He’s not protecting him from the truth, because sooner or later Theo will know anyway; he’s simply protecting himself from that sight. Lying is bad and liars are bad people, so why did Theo’s parents ask him to become one? The people he’d struggled to impress for years have trapped him in the most uncomfortable position. He wishes he could forget the knowledge, wishes he could live inside Theo’s fantasy and believe them to still be as in love as they used to be. When Theo isn’t looking, however, they stop pretending and sometimes Akk is too slow at closing his eyes and sees them. They don’t pretend for Akk, they don’t know that he can see both realities, that Theo tells him about how much their bond means to him while Akk witnesses them not talking to each other and putting on a facade for their son. He’s standing on the threshold between the real world and Theo’s world, and he can see both and it’s so painful, because Theo’s world isn’t meant to last and the fall will be hard. Akk wishes he could lock the door, trap Theo in his fiction forever, shelter him from all hurt, but he can’t put Theo inside a cage. 

A long time ago he’d wished he could be there when Theo found out, and his wish comes true in his arms, Theo sobbing softly as he clutches onto his shirt and wets it with his tears. Akk tries to delay it as much as possible, but he knows it’s coming. Bad people always pay, and he’s been bad. He’s been a liar on a very serious matter. His lies are much heavier than Theo’s little play pretend, his game he had made up to steer their relationship like a romance novel. Akk has been lying about something that Theo had based his very own existence upon. His keystone, his foundation, his pillar. He has followed his parents’ orders, he has waited for them to tell him first, and now he doesn’t have to lie anymore. He knew.

Theo is so very mad at him, and Akk tries to explain, but a part of him had been expecting it, he’d been waiting for his punishment. When Theo leaves he doesn’t even try to follow, doesn’t get up and doesn’t chase after him, because it’s what he deserves. He doesn’t belong to Theo’s rose-tinted world, he’s far too flawed for it. He’s loud and messy and rough around the edges and he’s a coward and he’s a liar. Theo is innocent and starry-eyed, head in the clouds and nose in a book, mind racing from a fictional world to the next. Akk is too simple for him, too grounded. He likes the real world, looking around and taking pictures to catalog whatever interests him the most. He can’t do that with ideas and feelings, and that’s why he prefers the concrete over the abstract. He would only hold Theo back from the heights he could fly to.

Although… Maybe Theo does need someone to keep him grounded. Someone to make sure he doesn’t stumble as he daydreams. Someone to make sure he doesn’t fly off too far. Theo is a rose, beautiful and armed with thorns, but what can a rose do when a storm comes? His thorns can’t protect him from everything, the winds won’t be hurt by him. There has to be someone else watching over him, making sure he’s not bending too far. Akk could be that for him, if he believed he’s worthy of that title. Theo needs a knight, but isn’t that what he’s always asked Akk to be? His whole life, that’s the role he had chosen for Akk. Theo wants him to be there, despite everything. He used to want him by his side when Akk was covered in mud and sweat, when he splashed water or spilled his drink over Theo’s books, back then he’d still wanted him around. 

There might be someone better for Theo out there, but does it matter if Theo keeps choosing him? If he makes up elaborate scenarios to get the two of them to spend time together? Isn’t it more important to listen to Theo’s wishes instead of getting lost in self deprecating thoughts? Akk is a liar, but it’s about time Theo let some imperfection and flaws into his world. Maybe then there will be a place for Akk in it, after all. Flaws are opportunities for shared growth. And if their growth is shared, they’ll grow together instead of growing apart. Akk might not be a line that’s parallel to Theo’s, but Theo might not want a parallel line in his life. Easy love is boring, and Theo likes excitement. He likes plot twists and romantic gestures, and if Akk gave up after the first misunderstanding Theo would surely be let down. It’s like his grandma’s Khai Palo, the longer it takes, the better it turns out. 

It dawns on Akk then that maybe he’s been seeing their relationship through rose-colored glasses as well, assuming it would be effortless and a done deal after their confession. It’s not a light switch that you turn on and leave be for the rest of your life. It’s an active construction site that requires carefulness and the drive to go forward, to build something together that will stand the test of time.