#urinary issue

And yeah, I got the booster shot. Still felt weird about it, but I guess my individual choice in this matter has basically no impact on the larger institutions that deprive underprivileged peoples of access to the vaccine. And on the other hand, my parents very much seemed to want me to get the booster: probably due to very real worries regarding the evolution of the virus

Mom came with me to the appointment so we could shop for groceries afterwards; I practiced “misbehaving” again

While we were out, I used the restroom. At home, I normally pee while sitting down. Since I was out, I just used a urinal, and it made it very obvious that there’s almost certainly something that’s messing up the flow.

It probably doesn’t help that I masturbated the past three days in a row, likely irritating the issue. Between generally feeling better and having the stress of my father talking to me and this appointment, it was difficult to resist. But I do need to step up my efforts restrict myself so it can recover again

And fundamentally, part of this difficulty can be explained by whatever neurodivergence I have going on: I struggle to maintain the memory of past problems, so I largely forget how big of a deal this shit was to me not all that long ago. At the least, I easily forget it in the moment in favor of immediate gratification.

So yeah, I probably really should make an appointment with the clinic to maybe see someone about my mental health and probable ADHD, and hopefully I’d get prescribed something to deal with it

Something I’m realizing, though, is that practicing abstinence—even for my actual physical health—is itself quite a challenge and a stressor of sorts. It’s not as bad as dealing with irritation that prevents me from sleeping, but it’s still enough that I think I can still give myself some leeway for not making much “progress” while learning not to rely on masturbation as a significant form of stress relief.

I guess I’ll see what the physician says about it once that appointment comes around; I think it’s in a few days. Maybe a couple weeks of abstinence really would be something they’d recommend—if I manage to be fully honest about the habits I’ve had for years. And maybe they can even prescribe something to make it easier, whether directly (to lower libido somehow) or indirectly (something to help with stress; though that would probably require talking about mental health).

Another thought I’ve had is to try hanging out at a library sometimes. A big part of the issue is that I keep spending all of my time in the same place that I, partially, associate with masturbation. And why the library specifically? Well, maybe I could try writing there. I have flash drives to use, or I guess I could use G*ogle Docs if I had to. And bringing books home to read would also just get me off of the computer.