#urdaed

001.  before they got together kevin genuinely believed ian hated him and even after they first had sex it took a while to convince himself that ian didn’t hate him. even when ian clearly showed how much he cared about kevin he still didn’t entirely believe it. he finally came to really truly wholeheartedly believe that ian didn’t hate him a few weeks before the red river crash but then the crash happened and then erin died and he was pretty sure ian hated him again

002.  kevin once forced ian to wear his letterman jacket just to see what it looked like and after the amount of physical force it took to get him into it kevin was shocked to find that not only was it way too big for ian (something that should’ve been obvious) but he was even more shocked to find that ian took a few minutes to take it off again and if kevin was a little more perceptive he may have even found himself believing that ian liked wearing it

003.  technically this isn’t 100% kevin/ian BUT kevin talks to his brothers about ian all the time once he actually tells them whats happening, he tells joe first of course and it’s very much a kind of “hey u know how u said i should never hurt jason... well i did by sleeping with ian BUT before you get mad at me for that jason and ian and i had a threesome and we’re good so i did nothing wrong” and after that conversation and the ridiculous amount of work it took to convince joe that this wasn’t a bad idea (some say he’s still not convinced to this day) kevin always got so excited to tell joe and nick and frankie about ian even the stupid things that didnt matter and it was so clear to them all that kevin was in love with him

003.5.  adding to that kevin texts joe when ian threatens to kill him (something im gonna need done on wire at some point) and he’s freaking out because he loves ian so much and doesn’t know how to fix this

004.  in our post - canon stuff kevin is so gentle with ian all the time, he’s always been somewhat gentle with ian but even more so after everything that happened. when they do end up having sex again its nothing like it was before, there’s no kinks going on, no desperate need for more, no hiding away from getting caught, it’s just the two of them being gentle with each other and the contrast is very much like using ‘fucking’ vs using ‘making love’

its been months since the tri - centennial, 𝙼𝙾𝙽𝚃𝙷𝚂 since kevin last saw or heard from ian. the boy driving away after 𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙴𝙻𝚈 getting out alive was the last kevin saw, their relationship 𝙳𝙸𝚂𝙰𝙿𝙿𝙴𝙰𝚁𝙸𝙽𝙶 with ian’s van as it left in a hurry. he had no idea if ian was okay, no clue if he was even alive, but he wasn’t willing to just 𝙻𝙴𝚃 𝙶𝙾 of everything that there was between them.

perhaps it was his 𝙻𝙰𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙸𝚃𝙲𝙷 𝙴𝙵𝙵𝙾𝚁𝚃, one last shot to make life worth living. not that he could do anything about it if it didn’t work, he’d already 𝚃𝚁𝙸𝙴𝙳 and it hadn’t done anything for him, death had made it clear that kevin doesn’t get to decide when he’s had enough; as always kevin is 𝙽𝙾𝚃 𝙸𝙽 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚃𝚁𝙾𝙻 of his own fate. it doesn’t feel like just a few months ago that they had all been living happily, that he and ian and jason had all hit the 𝙱𝙴𝚂𝚃 𝙿𝙾𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙱𝙻𝙴 𝙿𝙾𝙸𝙽𝚃 in their relationship that they could ever get to. it felt like a lifetime since he’d lost half of his heart on that roller coaster, and it somehow felt 𝙴𝚅𝙴𝙽 𝙻𝙾𝙽𝙶𝙴𝚁 since he lost the second half at the tri - centennial. 

if he was going to be 𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙲𝙴𝙳 to survive he at least wanted to do it with someone he loved, and while joe and nick and frankie meant the world to him lately all they’d been doing was telling him that he needed to be 𝙲𝙰𝚁𝙴𝙵𝚄𝙻. ‘you don’t wanna end up 𝙻𝙸𝙺𝙴 𝙽𝙸𝙲𝙺’ being one of the first things joe said, something nick had seemed almost 𝙾𝙵𝙵𝙴𝙽𝙳𝙴𝙳 by even if joe was right. but all they did was worry about him, and while they had 𝙴𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚈 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝚂𝙾𝙽 to worry there was one thing kevin could promise them: 𝙷𝙴 𝚆𝙰𝚂𝙽'𝚃 𝙶𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚃𝙾 𝙳𝙸𝙴. that was the only thing he knew for sure, and in a huge contrast to the last time he was thinking that, this time he actually 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃𝚂 𝚃𝙾.

he’d 𝙷𝙸𝚁𝙴𝙳 𝚂𝙾𝙼𝙴𝙾𝙽𝙴 to track ian down, starting with one of nicks friends but quickly moving to someone more 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙵𝙴𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙾𝙽𝙰𝙻 when a busy college student couldn’t fix the problem immediately. and it had taken a while, but the guy had found him. 𝙰𝙻𝙸𝚅𝙴, safe, far away. kevin had told himself that he’d be 𝙾𝙺𝙰𝚈 so long as he knew ian was okay, but the moment he saw the address he realized how much he’d been 𝙻𝚈𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚃𝙾 𝙷𝙸𝙼𝚂𝙴𝙻𝙵. 

it wasn’t too 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙳 to get the money to make the trip happen, kevin had gotten 𝙶𝙾𝙾𝙳 at finding ways to get money lately. living an unhealthy and 𝙲𝙾𝚂𝚃𝙻𝚈 lifestyle would do that to you. and while he’d now have to take his addictions on the road with him, there was 𝙽𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 that would stop him from getting to ian again. 

but then, after 𝙵𝙰𝚁 𝚃𝙾𝙾 𝙼𝚄𝙲𝙷 𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙺, he’s standing on the doorstep to the address he’d been given, and he wonders if it’s a 𝙶𝙾𝙾𝙳 𝙸𝙳𝙴𝙰. he knows he wants nothing more than to see ian, but he’s not sure he wants to see ian 𝙻𝙸𝙺𝙴 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚂. he’s a mess, has been for 𝙰 𝚆𝙷𝙸𝙻𝙴, not at all the boy ian had left behind. he’s a shell of the boy ian had loved, his life spiraling downwards at a quick rate. the 𝙲𝙻𝙴𝙰𝙽 𝙲𝚄𝚃 boy in a dress shirt and a letterman jacket was gone, replaced by messy hair and stubble and clothes that didn’t exactly scream 𝙲𝙻𝙴𝙰𝙽. not to mention that he had no idea if ian would actually 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃 to see him, or if he’d even recognize him. he’d heard frankie say that if it wasn’t for the fact that they lived together he’d never 𝙶𝚄𝙴𝚂𝚂 it was him, months of drinking and drugs 𝚃𝙰𝙺𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙸𝚃𝚂 𝚃𝙾𝙻𝙻 on his appearance as well as his personality.

“ that’s not true. ” quick to defend the boy, even if one of the things that had first attracted him to ian was that he was bad. but kevin had never really seen him as really bad, only ever saw him as a little dark, somewhat edgy. it hadn’t been until they’d first really done anything together that he realized how sweet the boy could be. “ you’re so far from bad. ” and he means it. wholeheartedly, he means it.

“ i know we started off.. rough. ” constantly telling each other they hated each other, kevin assuming ian wouldn’t care what ever happened to him. “ but.. even when you hated me, or said you hated me.. you were a better friend to me than... well than anyone other than jay. ” he almost flinches saying his name, the roller coaster still fresh in both their minds. and his eyes are starting to brim with tears, but he can’t tell if it’s because of the mention of jason or if it’s from all that he’s saying to ian.

“ you preached hating me and the jocks for years and.. you- you were still somehow one of the nicest people in my life. i mean, trevor and the guys- they claimed to be my friends, the teams meant to be a family, right? but they were-” he pauses. he doesn’t want to speak ill of the dead, but there’s a lot of ill he could speak of them. “ they were- so horrible. all the time. and somehow even your insults were kinder than them. ”

maybe things weren’t always healthy between the pair, maybe ian had his moments of being bad, but so did kevin. and through it all ian still meant the world to him. “ remember when i told you i liked jason? and nothing changed? if anything you got nicer.. but when trevor, my supposed friend, found out? i really think.. if he was still alive.. i think he would’ve told my dad. and i mean.. he knows, kinda. saw the texts before he broke my phone but.. he loved trevor, if he'd said anything.. ” a pause, a shake of his head. trevor was not the topic here, kevin could deal with all those issues another day.

@urdaed​ said: ❛  just  leave  me  the  fuck  alone …  ❜

@urdaed​ said:“ⓀⒾⓈⓈ” ;)  Send me “ⓀⒾⓈⓈ” for my muse’s reaction to yours kissing one of their scars.

Billy’s drunk, laying on Ian’s bed in a house that makes him more than uncomfortable. Too many scars line his body— line his back, his arms, too small of ones on his fingers. From accidents that he doesn’t want to talk about, from things that Ian never asked about. And he knows Ian’s fucked up too— he can see it in his face, in the way he’s smiling, in the way they both smell like expensive alcohol and weed.

@urdaed​ said: 👂 :')              Send me "👂" if you hear my character's voice in my writing!

“that’s a little 𝚂𝙴𝙻𝙵𝙸𝚂𝙷, don’t you think?” there’s a lot of tension between the pair, they both know ian wont settle until he’s done all that he plans to do. and as much as kevin wants to make peace, as much as he wants everyone to be okay, he knows that in the end it will be ian or wendy, that he 𝙲𝙰𝙽'𝚃 𝚂𝙰𝚅𝙴 𝙱𝙾𝚃𝙷.

he doesn’t know what to do, and he’s sure that much is 𝙾𝙱𝚅𝙸𝙾𝚄𝚂. there’s only a few hours until the tri - centennial, until ian has the perfect place to go after her. but kevin will be there too, and he has the power to stop it. but stopping ian from killing wendy isn’t just going to stop him from killing wendy. he may not be able to kill himself right now, but kevin’s sure that 𝚂𝙾𝙼𝙴𝙾𝙽𝙴 𝙴𝙻𝚂𝙴 could kill him. and he’s sure ian’s come to the same conclusion, meaning that this is 𝙳𝙰𝙽𝙶𝙴𝚁𝙾𝚄𝚂𝙻𝚈 𝙲𝙻𝙾𝚂𝙴 to their final showdown.

“what if she 𝙲𝙰𝙽'𝚃 𝙳𝙸𝙴 until i’m dead?” but it’s a question kevin knows the answer to already, ian had made as much 𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚈 𝙲𝙻𝙴𝙰𝚁. he would kill kevin if he had to, would do 𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃𝙴𝚅𝙴𝚁 𝙸𝚃 𝚃𝙾𝙾𝙺. and as much as kevin wanted to believe that ian would never hurt him, he’d seen 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙻𝙾𝙾𝙺 𝙸𝙽 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙱𝙾𝚈𝚂 𝙴𝚈𝙴𝚂. there was no stopping ian mckinley from getting what he wanted.

kevin is great at 𝙱𝙰𝙳 𝙳𝙴𝙲𝙸𝚂𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂, so when his next words come out of his mouth it shouldn’t surprise anyone. “do you honestly think 𝙴𝚁𝙸𝙽 would want you to do this?” it’s a low blow, and kevin’s not exactly sure what he’s trying to get out of this. he knows bringing her up is only gonna cause more 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙱𝙻𝙴𝙼𝚂, only gonna make ian more angry. but he’s running out of options, and more importantly he’s running out of 𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴.