When I said I wanted beef, I didn’t mean literally. Such as the scene last Monday at Uqaqua’s People’s Non-Binding Arbritration (presented by Endgames Improv, and Stage Werx, shows practically every day of the week), featuring a debate (and improv show) pitting a Grilled Chicken from La Cumbre and a Super Carne Asada from El Metate.

A photo posted by Courting Comedy (@courtingcomedy) on Jan 19, 2016 at 6:33am PST

For the uncultured swine out there, The People’s Non-Binding Arbitration is a judiciary-themed improv show pitting disparate opinions and squashing disputes. There’s a theme song, and a light show, and a Bailiff, and sometimes a stenographer. At the top of the proceedings two members of the audience—Jon and Brandon this night—plead their case. The Arbitrator and the rest of Uqaqua interject with questions, fleshing out the arguments and planting seeds for their scenes. The team proceeds to make funny for about an hour. Winners are crowned arbitrarily. And then you go home.

A video posted by Courting Comedy (@courtingcomedy) on Jan 19, 2016 at 6:24am PST

Improv is as enthralling as it’s ephemeral, easy to experience, but hard to recollect, especially since The People’s Non-Binding Arbitration implements the fast-moving shortform—”so help you Spolin.” This renders audience-pleasing references like, “Masturbating Pete” and “a little stank [in couple’s therapy]”, null outside of Stage Werx’s magic circle (thus requiring the pleasure of your company. Yes, yours. You.)

A video posted by Courting Comedy (@courtingcomedy) on Jan 19, 2016 at 6:31am PST

Here’s what I can remember:

A fun interplay of escalating semantics emerged from the word “Super”. Its initial context was in reference to “with guacamole and sour cream” in juxtaposition to “Deluxe” (i.e. “with cheese”). Super is also a prefix to “Superman”, which immediately extrapolated into dumb comic book connections of “Deluxe Luther” and “Regular Man”, all swinging into scene, with Regular Man refusing to pay 50¢ for the subpar superheroism.

A photo posted by Courting Comedy (@courtingcomedy) on Jan 19, 2016 at 6:35am PST

Another scenario proposed that toast needs to be toasted ahead of time which soon overwhelmed every tier of the the toast industry (Big Loaf), befuddled by the interconnected but unknown demand at a humble bed and breakfast.

A video posted by Courting Comedy (@courtingcomedy) on Jan 19, 2016 at 6:38am PST

Burrito regionality became diametrically polarized, the skimpy North and the abundant South, threading through scenes of betrayal, burrowing and blood rituals. American egotism claimed the divine right of critical supremacy, usually in favor of hyperbolic excess (e.g. “Ultra Sangria” being Everclear, pompously decrying red meat’s danger whilst chain-smoking); all at the expense of Mr. Grilled Chicken’s assuredness. “I know what I’m talking about,” echoed mockingly throughout the case.

Finally, a lingering and pungent theme of disease festered from dicey dealings with one of the proposed burrito outfitters. La Cumbre on 16th and Mission to be specific. La Cumbre can (but not necessarily will) fuck you up with food poisoning. Two Uqaqua members know that intimately. Normally this kind of bias would bar them from the proceedings, “but since this is a non-binding arbitration, I’ll allow it,” determined the Arbitrator. Some of the scene revolved around revulsion, bent-over zombies looking for intestinal relief. Some echoed Brandon’s claim that “the better the meat quality, the lower the health code” In the end, the Arbitrator sided with the less sickly burrito. “How do you feel,” asked the Bailiff to the victor in our closing statements. “Really bad…I think [La Cumbre] is a family owned restaurant”.

Luckily, no legal consequence will come from said victory because, as established in its title, The People’s Non-Binding Arbitration is indeed non-binding.

I’ve been to two UQAQUA Non-Binding Arbitrations at Stage Werx (committed to going to every offering available as a function of my Going Steady With the Blog Patreon perk, scheduling permitting) AND I’M MAD! 

I find no fault in the group members of the show, they’re a talented band of improvisers. I find no fault in the tech of the show, I’m always charmed by the People’s Court theme and opening light show. I find no fault in the concept, the idea of a comedic courtroom is very fun and innovative (I like that they have plaintiffs and defendants swear their testimony over a copy of Viola Spolin’s Improvisation for the Theater). The bailiff is encouraging (HIGH FIVE), the judge is fair (and fairly mysterious), and the audience, while of low attendance, is mighty in spirit. 

overheard: crowd: mistrial! mistrial! mistrial! audience member: everybody wins!

My issue is with the squabbles, the fights, the beef, the rows, the scrapes, the feuds, the battles, the FUCKING juice! San Francisco, step up your contention! 

The People’s Non-Binding Arbitration THRIVES on (playful) disagreements. The world does. You can’t have anything without contrast. You can’t have light without dark, you can’t have yin without yang, you can’t have arbitration without conflict! The two PNBAs I’ve seen pitted a shlocked together head-to-head of “wine v. not-wine”, and the next was a nitpicky argument basically crafting the same argument that technology is distancing people from each other. DUH!

I want some teeth! I want some blood! I want improv scenes based in truly legit shade and salt. I want to two pumpkin pie vs. sweet potato pie! I want to two roommates disputing custody of their Fleshlight! I want to see dogs and cats actually not like each other anymore. Remember that? Remember when the media portrayed dogs and cats as natural, mortal enemies. I mean, I can’t open Tumblr these days without seeing a cat breastfeeding a puppy or vice versa. What happened to my America, you know? 

Nevertheless UQAQUA/Endgames Improv presents “The People’s Non-Binding Arbitration” on Monday, 11/9, at Stage Werx in San Francisco. $5. 9PM. See ya there!