#untilweareallsetfree

T.W: Child Sexual Abuse 

He took my innocence,

All my hopes, my dreams, my youth.

He took my very soul.

What could have been,

I will never know.

But it wasn’t just my childhood that he stole,

It was all the other kid’s too.

Their scared faces each forever burned into my mind.

I remember what he did to them...

To me...

To us.

Even to his own kids.

I was just barely five years old 

When he took interest in 

The little hazel eyed blonde haired kid 

In the compound next door.

I’ve noticed a phrase that people like to say 

About kids who go through shit...

They like to say 

“Kids are resilient”

But what I’ve learned is that 

We are only “resilient”

Because our tiny brains cannot yet 

Comprehend our own lived experiences,

Our resiliency always runs out 

The moment are minds mature enough 

That we finally gain access 

To the words we needed to describe our pain,

And we feel safe enough to express the trauma 

Our weary bodies have been bearing all this time.

You see,

We aren’t always taught this but

Our bodies hold every ounce of pain 

We have ever had to endure.

That is until some of us are

Granted the privilege of acknowledging we even have trauma...

And then,

If we are lucky...

We receive the great privilege of  

Actively being able to seek out and maintain

Professional outlets of healing.

But not everyone has these privileges.

Oppression is a real raging bitch and 

When your suffering from within it 

It’s almost impossible to escape.

You’re just forever stuck

In a system that is only aimed to keep 

You from living, learning, growing, thriving, 

And succeeding in this world. 

So when I remember how 

My innocents was taken by him,

I’m struck with immense survivors guilt 

Because even though 

No one knew about what was happening to me 

For four and a half years...

I eventually got out.

I got out.

I was the only privileged one to escape

The system of oppression that 

I only knew and could relate to from a 

Tiny white missionary kid’s view point.

Now when I close my eyes 

I see a surge of little Black and Brown faces.

So beautiful in nature 

Yet, 

So hopeless, beaten and battered.

Some of these kids 

Were my friends.

Everyday,

We would play together 

Outside the compound 

After school

Until the sun was just about to go down.

Their faces edged into my memory. 

I remember the fun we had and the smiles we shared.

I remember the sounds of our collective laughter 

And the joy we found in each other.

But

I also remember seeing and recognizing 

The joint fear on our faces 

As He led us into his compound, 

Then into his house ,

And then his bedroom. 

I remember their desperate cries.

Cries 

That no one heard.

I remember the 

Deep bruises, cuts, and sores on the bodies of the children 

That left that dreaded room.  

Kids with excruciating wounds 

Sometimes invisible 

Unless you’re trained to see the clues.

The haunting red flags.

Yet I was the one

That got out.

While they all stayed 

And their painful stories continued.

I think a lot 

About what if I could go back and change things...

If I could have spoken up and reached out for help.

If I could have only just told my parents.

I know without a doubt 

That my parents would have gotten me out of 

That situation  

So fucking fast.

They would have raged and aggressively advocated for me 

And would have seen to it that He be dealt with.

I would have gotten help sooner. 

But then I think to myself about 

Who would have advocated for 

All those other kids in the village..

In the surrounding villages...

In the town..

In the country...

All over the continent...

All over this world...

Who have a

“Him” 

Who has stolen their autonomy 

And shattered their story.

Who would have gotten them 

All the help they so desperately needed 

In order to heal their 

Hearts, minds, bodies and souls??

Who would grant them that privilege?

The only way I would change anything about 

Those dark years...

Is to somehow fiercely eradicate the systems of oppression 

That enable evil men to gain the power 

They use to suppress the rest of us. 

To eradicate the patriarchy that 

Encourages men to think they

Can get away with mortally wounding 

Women, Transgender, Nonbinary people, Other LGBTQ people,

And children. 

To eradicate white supremacy and the effects of colonialism 

That have plagued and devastated  

The lives of People of Color 

Since the beginning of time.

To eradicate the systems of power 

That side with, shelter and protect 

The abuser and 

Not the victim and survivor. 

To eradicate and remove the barriers 

That keep God’s children 

From succeeding and thriving

In this world they placed them in.

Those kids deserve to get out 

Just like I did. 

Those kids deserved a story that didn’t 

Involve an evil man obsessed with 

The power granted to him by 

His ability to silence those around him

And strike fear into the hearts of the community.

A community that frightfully elevated his stance 

Based on his 

Financial status , level of education and 

His arrogant persona.

Those kids deserve a better story than they one 

They unfortunately were placed into.

So even though I was privileged to escaped,

And receive professional help

That is allowing parts of me to heal... 

Resiliency comes with a heavy cost. 

I will never be truly free

Until the day that 

All the people with stories like us