#untamed stuff

So i think when he was very little, he's completely surrounded by women, right? So that's what adults and people are for him. At some point he will grow up to be like/look like mama! Soon after that he realizes there are 2 categories of grown ups. There are ladies, and some of them are wonderful (like mama and auntie) and some of them are very mean (like anxin), and then there are customers, who hurt ladies. So literally the 2 genders for him are prostitute and john. And at some point he will realize, or be told, that he is going to grow up to be a man, and that means, because these are the only men he's ever seen, a john. Someone who is frightening and hurts people who can't protect themselves and makes them do things they don't want. I think that fucks him up bad at like... 3. And of course his mother tells him that #notallmen and he won't be like that! He will be a good and proper gentleman! But like... good and proper gentlemen come there all the time. And this definitely plays into his later evil persona.

I think like. Puberty especially is biological essentialism as fate as body horror for him in ways he can't articulate. The closer he gets to being a man, the dirtier he feels, the more dangerous. It's not conscious at all but it's there.

And like. Intellectually he knows now that yes, #notallmen, and he has made a decision to never be Like That so it's fiiiiiiiiiiiiine. But that also means that he has to be constantly vigilant that he's not allowing any behavior or thought or reaction that might lead to him being Like That. So when he starts getting hit with physical attraction to women it's very upsetting.

And at the same time, it's ok because the 3rd gender is cultivator! He can be that! But he's kind of a failure at cultivator masculinity in specific ways, and there's major elements of performance and faking there. And like... he also doesn't want to be normatively masculine in certain ways because those are customer traits. And he can never be seen to exhibit those because then everyone will know that deep down he has always been exactly that repulsive. Which I think is part of the appeal of lxc because yes you're right! Not all men! Lxc would never!

I also think that on some level he doesn't believe that sex is something that women can like... want and enjoy because it's fun for them. Of course they might act like they do but that's for the benefit of the person making them do it! And he knows how that works in other situations, he puts on so many acts for people above him. Sex is something men do to women. Eventually he will accept that some women might want this if the man involved is particularly handsome and wonderful, which obviously precludes any of them wanting him, because he's dirty and not like the young masters on that list.

I think he's just fully dissociating when he has to coordinate his dad's sexcapades. Because "pimp" was the worst case scenario for his future and also one of the more likely. He can't think about that.

So with Qin Su... this poor woman. She had to do so much work and for what! Because this ☝️is the shit they had to get over before they could probably even like. Hold hands. So like. They are in love enough that he can accept that the above doesn't apply between them! (He still probably has Some Issues the first time they have sex) And this is actually really nice? She's so happy that he can maybe not feel disgusting about this?? This is a good thing and he's enjoying it and that's fine??? He has finally, finally escaped the brothel! 🙌

And then his father turns that, retroactively, into assault, and turns him into one of the monsters from his childhood, and has put him in a position where he has to knowingly do something horrible involving sex to a woman he loves on their wedding night (by something horrible we mean nice sex that she wants to have) just like all those customers who did horrible things to his mother. He tried so hard to escape this fate.

All that to say:

1) it is impossible to overstate the importance of Qin Su in the "killing his father in a way that would make Titus Andronicus say "hey bro that's maybe a little much" situation.

2) idk that he has a gender identity so much as a web of complexes and neuroses and trauma. He fulfills a gender role but that's different.

feels absolutely nothing when holding the baby. is seized by a gnawing desire to be literally anywhere else whenever anything is happening with the baby. this is extremely upsetting because he does not want to be his dad and also he hasn't had this problem with his cousins or with lsz or jrs. genuinely worried the baby might be cursed or something because of how bad he feels being around it. starts having panic attacks after having spent time with his child, can't figure out why. convinced he is the worst person alive and also his father's son, which evens out to the same thing. cannot talk to a-yao about this because the only thing worse than being like his own father is being like jgs. cannot talk to his uncle about it because then his uncle will know he is like his dad and be disappointed. outwardly he is doing all the things he's supposed to be doing but what he wants to be doing is booking himself in for secluded meditation until this is sorted. fucking lwj is having an easier time emoting genuinely at this child.

and the issue is really that a) he had subconsciously decided that he would not become his dad by not becoming a dad and now. well. b) he has never once processed a single feeling about his upbringing as sect heir, and now he is personally responsible for raising this child to be sect heir. but he cannot have feelings about this so ok he will feel no things. c) What Is A Normal Childhood and Family Life and How Do You Do That (admitting to not knowing this is illegal). He knows what an uncle or an older cousin does. What the fuck does a dad do other than sit in a house and provide a suffocating and ominous presence from afar? d) this is a physical manifestation of how deep into a life he does not want he has allowed himself to go/be pushed for the sake of the clan. everything he always knew he never wanted. and last but not least, this is Yet Another Thing that he can never be found out to be inadequate at because it's his duty and also will be proof that he was always a terrible person and not someone who could be what the sect needed. yeah.