Several years ago, I worked at Borders Books and Music. This was a great thing for two reasons: (1) I got to work during the liquidation, which inspired me to write a very snarky “Open Letter” that got published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency; and (2) I got to work with some very cool people, many of whom I still count as close friends. One such friend, Richard Swor, has embarked on an epic mission this summer: to watch, and review, every single Nicolas Cage movie. I was chatting with him about this project earlier today, and he said, “If you ever want to borrow a Cage movie you know who to call.” I agreed that seemed obvious. “My friends have challenged me to use that as a pick-up line in a bar. Someday ...” Richard continued. “Hey baby ... wanna check out my Cage collection?” I suggested. “If I ever get a date out of that I will marry her.” Richard vowed. So ... ladies? This all started as a joke – but somewhere along the way, it became a challenge. Then it became a mission. Richard has even created a unique scale to review Nicolas Cage movies, because let’s face it, you can’t review Nicolas Cage movies using standard movie-reviewing criteria (whatever that may be). Behold, the Cage Criteria:

The only way to rank a Cage movie comes down to these three categories:

Cageiness Craziness: Or an analysis of his craziness in said film.

The Cage Method: For those of you who are unaware, Nicolas Cage claims to have created his own acting style, Nouveau Shamanic. How does his acting hold up to his standards?

Movie: How is the movie as a whole.