So, you’re sick of people assuming you’re a unicorn-hunter.
You know in your heart that you’re different, so why are people so quick to jump to conclusions? Here’s my opinion: The best way to ensure that you aren’t a unicorn-hunter is to first truly accept that you could be one. This is a cognitive strategy I use myself. Do I want to do everything I can to avoid mistreating a partner? Then, first, I accept that, like every human being, I contain within my psyche the ability to mistreat others. When we hurt, there is often an instinct to make others hurt, to feel less alone in our suffering by bringing others down with us. This is how toxic relationships happen. This is how abuse happens. Am I less capable of it merely by the fact that I can name it as something I don’t want to be? No. Just knowing that you don’t want to be a unicorn-hunter isn’t enough to prevent you from being a unicorn-hunter. So, what is the way to prevent you from being a unicorn-hunter? I mean, you know that you want a triad. You are absolutely allowed to date only the people you want to date. You do not need to form any relationships that you don’t want to be in.  So how do you form a triad without being a unicorn-hunter? Here are some ideas: 1. Listen to what experienced people say. No, really. Don’t just brush it off. Don’t dismiss it with, “You’re talking about people who aren’t us.” Don’t retort, “Isn’t this supposed to be an open-minded community? There isn’t just One True Way.” Instead, actually listen to people with experience and consider that they are telling you something because it will help you. Assume that their desire to help is why they’re replying, not because they get some sort of pleasure out of name-calling. Consider actually changing your behavior based on what they say. You don’t have to do anything, but you are looking for advice, right? So when you get it, take it seriously. 2. Flip everything on its head. This is an intensive practice of empathy, and it’s really useful. Imagine that you are in the position of the person you’re trying to date. Really think about what it would feel like to be that person. With every thing that you say or do as a couple, or individually when guided by your feelings about your original relationship, imagine what your response would be like if you were single and had (most likely, because who hasn’t?) been hurt in the past. Would you be genuinely excited about the prospect of dating you? Would you be intimidated? Would you want to negotiate beyond what’s being offered? If you can genuinely feel good about this prospect (no lying to yourself), then you’re heading in the right direction. 3. Most of all -- I can’t emphasize this enough -- re-evaluate constantly. Supposing you find someone to date you as a couple, the work doesn’t stop there. It’s only just beginning. Now, your job is to analyze the situation on an ongoing basis. To check in with your newer partner -- preferably one-on-one -- to see how they’re actually feeling. If you think something feels off after spending time together, put yourself in that person’s shoes and imagine what it might feel like to be spending time with two people who have a longer history with each other. Don’t assume that you’re not exerting couple’s privilege just because you don’t want to be. And, once again, give serious consideration to changing your behavior based on what you learn from your conversations. By the way? You can do this. I truly believe that if you’re willing to put in the work and you really want to be a good partner, you are capable of it. The trick is that it does go beyond wanting to be a good partner. The “putting in the work” part of it is key.
