#unflitered

There have been periods in my life where I have felt the most independent the most 'me'. The most authentic in who I am and the least anxious.

I can feel myself starting to enter another era. I have been pretty down recently. I haven't been using the tools that were given to me.

My therapists have all said that I have the tools I just need to trust myself to use them. That's the hardest part. The discipline and coming from a life where there was close to none.

Sometimes I need a reminder that I did not have a normal upbringing and that is something I should never forget. It is something I should also not let hold me down. It's okay that I have sprung from trauma but it is not okay to ignore it.

Ignoring the problem does not make it go away.

I had a very triggering conversation with my partner the other day, the love of my life, he asked me some personal questions about my mother and I was almost in tears.

I can never talk to my mother again because of what she did to me. All those that know agree.

Thus, at the same time I can not be living in constant fear of her.

In the back of my mind there is this feeling of confronting her and calling her out for the piece of shit that she truly is. The evil and calculating behaviours that she truly has. But the repercussions of that is immense. She would just go on a smear campaign and ruin the relationships that I have with my family.

It angers me that I still can't face her after all this time.

Maybe there is another way to confront it without actually having to talk to her head on. I've got to find out how.

Am I capable? 

I have dreams of becoming a teacher and making a difference in the life of children. Really helping them to become what they want to become and having the confidence in themselves. I want to give them the start in life that I hoped that I would had gotten. I really want to make a change.

Looking at the system that is already at hand it seems that being nice doesn’t cut it. That’s what I’ve been for the majority of my life, nice until I don’t have to be anymore. I need to be stronger than that. I need to start being more honest and more brutal with people to an extent where I can actually make a difference.

I need to be stronger than I am now.

I’m too nice because I have a low self esteem I don’t believe in myself enough to stand up for what I believe in. Now I have a cause. I want to protect and guide the next generation. In order to do that I need to grow up.

I know I can do it and I should have my first therapy session on Thursday, so I hope that will be illuminating. 

Until then I must keep going, nothing has changed between what I want and the journey that I am on. I am still so much closer than I was, even a year ago to obtaining my goals.