Fili greeted his brother at the door, “You finished early.”

All Kili wanted to was lie down but his therapist told him not to give in to the urge, “I only did three today.  I wanted to come home.”

“Not feeling well?” that was Fili’s phrase for what Kili went through.  He had attended a few therapy sessions but he couldn’t say that he fully understood what his brother faced every time he was overtaken with sadness.

Kili couldn’t meet his brother’s eyes as he turned to go down the hallway to the bathroom.  He tried not to look in the bathroom mirror as he peeled off his gym clothes and climbed into the shower.  He thought he was pathetic and weak and he didn’t want to see his face.  He didn’t mean to linger but his emotions wouldn’t let him go as fast as he would’ve liked.  Kili shampooed his hair but instead of working the lather out he just let the water run over him.  He watched the bubbles flow down his body then down the drain wondering where they were going, wishing he could go with them.  When he didn’t see any more bubbles he turned off the water.

Thankfully the mirror had fogged up so when he accidentally turned toward it while he was drying himself he couldn’t see his reflection.  Kili looked away from the mirror, just in case, wrapped the towel around his waist and went to the bedroom to get dressed.  He threw the towel into the hamper, slid on a pair of boxer briefs and flopped down onto the bed without bothering to comb his hair.

Fili sat at the kitchen table wishing he knew how to help his brother.  It didn’t look like therapy was working.  But what else could he do?  When he heard the bathroom door open he thought Kili would show up soon so they could make lunch but when Kili didn’t appear twenty minutes later Fili got up to find him.  His brother was sprawled across the bed in nothing but a pair of underwear, “Kili? Are you hungry?  Do you want a sandwich?”

Kili wished he didn’t have to hear the worry in his brother’s voice.  He hated being the one who made his brother sad.  Fili should never be sad.  Fili should always be smiling and laughing.  There should never be a frown on Fili’s face.  Kili rolled over onto his side, “I’m so sorry, Fee.”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for,” Fili climbed onto the bed, sitting cross-legged in front of Kili. “You can’t help these feelings you have.”

Kili reached forward to take his brother’s hand, “I’m still sorry.  I’m making everything difficult.”

Fili laced his fingers with Kili’s, “Hey, none of that.  So, I have to cook every once in a while, it’s no big deal.  The important thing is for you to know that I’m here for you whenever you need me to be and even when you don’t.”

“I love you, Fee,” Kili gently squeezed Fili’s hand.

“I love you too, Kee,” Fili squeezed his brother’s hand back, “Now, how about you put on some clothes and I’ll pack the sandwiches and we’ll take a walk down to the lake and have a picnic.”

“I don’t know,” the lake was always crowded in the good weather and Kili didn’t know if he could handle happy, smiling, laughing people while he felt so down.

“You don’t have to talk to anyone.  We can put our feet in the water and splash around.  We’ll bring some bread and throw it at the ducks.”

The idea of throwing the bread put a small smile on Kili’s face, “Thanks, Fili.”

“Anytime,” Fili playfully shoved his brother’s shoulder, “Now, come on.  The ducks are waiting.”

At the small park after the next traffic light Kili pulled into the parking lot.  He slotted his car in a space at the far end under a tree so if anybody looked toward him they wouldn’t be able to see what he was doing for the shade.  Kili took several deep breaths trying to convince himself that everything was alright and he had no reason to be upset.  But the more he tried the more he felt the heaviness. He could go to work and try to pretend that everything was fine; put on a happy face and grit his teeth hoping that he wouldn’t breakdown in front of his coworkers but he knew it was a lost cause. He would have to go back home.

Before he left the park he called his boss and said that he wasn’t feeling well.  While it wasn’t a lie it felt like one and the guilt made him feel worse.  There was no good reason for feeling the way he did.  

By the time he got back home Kili was weighed down by unexplainable grief and unnecessary guilt. The brunet barley had the energy to slip off his loafers before crawling into bed and collapsing.  He should get up, he should do something he liked to do, he should find something funny to watch on tv but he couldn’t move.  He couldn’t fall asleep either; his mind tried to find a reason for the feelings inside him but there was nothing he could come up with.  There were no nightmares, no past injuries, hurts or disagreements against him or caused by him that plagued his subconscious mind.  So, Kili lay in his bed and let the depression take control.

It was the simplest thing that let Kili finally release the tears welling up inside him.  He had forced his body to move, getting out of bed and creeping to the kitchen for a glass of water.  He saw a yellow and black butterfly get caught in the wake of a passing car.  The butterfly swirled end over end before landing on the sidewalk.  Kili didn’t know if the little insect was dead or alive but as he watched with his heavy heart it fluttered its wings and took to the sky again.  The joy and relief the brunet felt was enough to let go.  Kili crumpled to the kitchen floor, leaned back against the cabinets, pulled his knees to his chest, hung his head and cried.

**

When Fili opened the door and noticed that no lights were on he sensed what had happened, he just had to find his brother to prove himself right. Fili found Kili curled in a ball on the kitchen floor sound asleep, still in his work clothes, tear tracks down his face.  Fili didn’t know how long his brother had been there but from the disheveled state of his clothes and hair he figured it was quite a while.  Before Fili crouched to wake his brother up he went to the living room to call their favorite Chinese take-away to have their dinner delivered; he knew that Kili would immediately feel guilty for not having cooked. Back in the kitchen Fili almost changed his mind about waking his brother up before the food was delivered but the longer Kili slept the less likely he would be able to sleep that night. Fili’s knees cracked as he squatted next to his brother.  He laid a hand on Kili’s shoulder and gently shook him, “Kili?”

Kili moaned softly but didn’t open his eyes so Fili shook a little harder, “Kili, time to get up. Dinner will be here soon.”

Mentioning dinner was a mistake Fili wouldn’t repeat if faced with the same situation again.  He knew how Kili liked to have a meal ready for him when he got home from work and his brother’s eyes flew open, “Dinner? Oh no, Fili, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Fili hushed his brother, “It looks like you had a rough day so I ordered Chinese; it should be here soon.”

Kili sat up with his back to the cabinet, his hand in his lap, head down and frowned, “I couldn’t even make it to work today.”

There were so many things Fili wanted to say but he didn’t want to say the wrong thing and cause Kili to shut down or start crying again so he simply waited for Kili to continue.

“I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me,” the young brunet looked up at his brother, “Am I crazy, Fili?”

“No, Kili, you’re not crazy. Maybe a therapist can show you how to deal with your feelings better or help you find out why you get so sad.”

“Will you come with me?”