#underwater.post

so I'm thinking through the criteria of what we'd want to search for

for both:

comfortable

masc/androgynous leaning

probably not form fitting

for Solar ☀️🌱:

warm colors, especially orange & green

good for outdoors wear, warmer weather

ideal is items that have floral / plant motifs and a more masculine cut

buttonups & cargo shorts would be welcome!

For Umbral🌑🩸:

black clothes, obviously. maybe some red highlights if possible (could also be added afterwards)

extra priority on comfort / ease of wear, indoors focus

do want it to still look cool though. goal is to be able to depressive episode in style & comfort. having some kind of alt/emo flair could best achieve the desired effect

the actual items we get will probably be something like a loose-fitting tshirt and comfortable sweatpants. we can modify them to be cooler-looking later if needed

we have, however, never made moodboards before. and I'm not entirely sure what the best way to go about it is; image-gathering, formatting, or crediting wise.

(probably not going to fronting indicators, since we don't exactly work like that)

🌆🌅 - Us

🌗🪡- Lunar

☀️🌱 - Solar

✨🐚 - Stellar

🌑🩸- Umbral

🌫️🔮- "Etherial" / "Mist" (still figuring this one out)

❔- Nebulous / Unknown

to be more separate

to actually know who we are at any given time

to be distinct and self aware enough to properly have names

to be able to have conversations between ourselves whenever we want without our voices getting muddled or fading out

to have Hornet silksong here in our head (or to be hornet silksong)

to have a solid and clear headspace

to be able to embrace plurality without lingering denial, fear, and shame

to be able to help each other, have different strengths/weaknesses

to be less alone

to be able to love ourself better, because we care about the others

things that hold us back from actually trying to do any of that intentionally (or even just consistently accepting our plurality in its current confusing form)

fear of change, or losing control

not entirely believing we're actually plural

being too tired, distracted, busy, depressed, etc. to focus in that

having a really bad memory and forgetting about it, or struggling to remember why it mattered

flat out denial

worrying about doing something wrong, making out other mental illness worse

worrying about being even weirder, and having a harder time functioning in the world (we are already completely not functioning in the world)

worrying about how we'd explain it to others, not wanting to inconvenience anyone in our life

having to try and explain it to therapists

possible solutions:

????

maybe start by actually telling the people in our life how we want to be gendered as practice

and actually talk to therapist about all that???

i imagine that afterwards it'd be more extreme, we'd be more clear-cut, we'd leave this state of ambiguity and really be separate. we'd finally understand who we are

and i know, that's definitely not how it'd work... and i really don't actually want to be in that kind of intense distress again, im not entirely sure id survive it

but i guess it probably speaks to a desire that i have a hard time acknowleging otherwise. I've seen people talke about fantasizing about getting breast cancer so they'd have an "excuse" to get too surgery - i think it might be something like that.

It's a kind of thought pattern we've honestly gotten pretty used to. there's something we want, but we don't think we can/should have it, or we feel conflicted; so we imagine a situation where it's forced upon us.

i can think of 5 separate examples of us doing exactly that.

we long for clarity, stability, selfhood, existing with our plurality fully realized. but even as parts of us feel ready to do it, to go all in, other parts are scared

i worry about losing myself. i worry about having to explain it to people. i worry that I'd be doing something wrong, making myself "worse" in a misguided attempt at coping

and we forget. and we wish that it could be easier, something that happens to us rather than something we shape ourselves. and then we wouldn't be to blame for it if it was the wrong thing to do, right?

(rich coming from a thing that could blame itself for anything)

and you know. it really doesn't help that all the the being conflicted about desires, uncertainty about who we are and what we should do with ourself, forgetting what we'd previously decided to do, and denial... is probably all tied into the plurality itself.