Lost in thoughts, some old and some new

Some, I feel aren't meant to be understood.

My mind is in a world wind of unanswered questions

Along with all the could's and should's.

 I feel like I've lost a part of me

More like, it was never found.

I don't know what I want and need

And everything literally is crashing down.

 It is empty, something is missing

Is it a what? Is it a who? Is it a why?

And every single time I try to make sense of everything

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

 I've kept my distance from those who love me

Mainly out of fear that I can't give them the same

Everything is off balance in my head and in my soul

At the end of it all, I give them all the blame.

 How can I feel okay about where I'm at in life?

I've lost sight of what happiness truly meant.

I don't feel like I have a purpose in this world most days.

Wish I could feel free, but that's not how my days are spent.

 Everyone around me seems like they have their shit together

They know what they want out of life and they know who they are.

What is the secret to their joy? The secret to their self love?

I want to know what it is like to be them, even from afar.

 I may just be a lost cause at this point

If I didn't know then, what's the point now?

When every one seems to be flying so high..

And my body is literally barried underground.

 Lost in thoughts, some old, some new

And everything literally is crashing down.

I've lost sight of what happiness truly meant,

I went through almost all of 2016 thinking I wasn’t beautiful and that I wasn’t good enough. I don’t know when, where, or how it all happened but it did. I’m now in the second month of 2017, looking at pictures from past years and I was pretty confident in myself and I had a lot more love for myself. I want to get back to the woman that was before the loss. I will grow and be happy with the person I am and will be. I will stop comparing myself to what society sets as “standards” for black women. I can only be me and the person I am destined to be. I will focus on my positives and turn my negatives into even greater positives. 

It’s no secret that ever since I’ve moved from Maryland to Albuquerque that I’ve lost a part of myself. Sure I’ve grown in some ways but I’ve been feeling stuck in the same old cycle literally for four years. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve truly learned independence and I’ve learned some hard truths. I’ve made some great new friends and I joined the best sorority. But I’m still so sad and it is getting worse day after day recently. I try to hide it all over again but I’m back to how I felt a few years ago. My job is taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And it makes it even harder that every time I try to do something that would benefit me to grow professionally, management has always gotten in the way. They are the reason why I am in a job even though I voiced differently. They stopped me from completing a temporary job assignment that I really wanted and I know they are about to stop me from another one. I don’t know how much I can physically take. I literally broke down in my car I am so unhappy. I’m in a job that I hate while being completely across the country from my family and the few friends I have left back home. And I have no one to talk to...or at least I feel like I don’t have anyone. Even the one person I feel like I could and claims I could...I just can’t. I’m scared to be vulnerable again. I can’t trust like I used to. I’m tired of being hurt by everything and everyone. I am physically tired all of the time. I am mentally and emotionally drained. I don’t even feel a spiritual connection to anything. I’m sad but not completely ending. I’m just moving through the motions. 

All I ever wanted was a happily ever after. To fully experience what love could truly be. But am I worthy of such a gift? I don’t even know what real love is. I thought I did. 

I never saw what a true loving relationship could be like within my family. I grew up in a single parent home. My father was an absent father and treated my mom like trash. I wasn’t around to see the love between my grandparents and they both died before I turned 10. All of my sister’s past relationships were complete trash and just reminded me of what my dad put my mom through.

I always knew what I didn’t want just based off past family experiences but nothing else. I had a bad habit of having crushes on guys just because of the attention. It only got worst in college. The first time I really liked a guy was in college. And when I mean like, I mean I had hope that something would come out of it. It wasn’t some crush. I thought I knew better...but I didn’t. 

But then I met someone different from the rest. It was nice. I was scared. But I gave us a chance, or at least I tried. I left and was even more scared than before. I was alone with no hope, so I let him go regardless of whatever was going on in my head and thinking it was for the best. But I was wrong, and though I didn’t know it yet, I fell in love. I realized that I never wanted to be apart; ironic enough this was all long distance. I realized I never wanted to be with anyone else. And all went well...until it didn’t. It all ended once again. 

I keep getting my hopes up that one day we will be one again. But I think it is just time to face facts. It is all over. I haven’t been able to come to terms with that because I don’t want to let the dream of us go. But I think it might be time to finally let the dream go. All it is doing is holding me back from focusing on what I need to do to achieve my happily ever after. So if we are meant to be, then maybe one day. But if not, you’ve taught me so much more than anyone ever has. 

This has been a continuous dance for as long as I can remember. 

He always led and I reluctantly followed. 

A never ending dance filled with tears, doubt, and frustration. 

And every time I thought it was over, he would lead me once again.

Just once, I wish I had the strength to break away...but I can’t.

Logically...mentally, I can separate the truth from the lies. 

But emotionally...emotionally I am overpowered.

And it is all those emotions that fuels him to keep leading this never ending dance.

It is all those emotions that he uses to fuel his ego.

His whit and charm convinces me that the pain and lies are real.

So here we are, in the middle of this thing called life...continuing are never ending dance...

I think I have finally reached my limit with my dad...I mean, the man that gave me life. Never in my life did I think I would get to the point where I’m yelling at the man because he just does not get it. I’m 24 years old and I was raised by my mom and her my family my entire life. He was NEVER AROUND. Every time he said he would, he would flake. His excuse? It was all my mother’s fault. According to him, my sister and I have been brain washed by our mom to not even give him a chance. Well...today was the day I finally broke. I finally just let it all out.

 I wasn’t gonna answer the phone when I saw his name on the caller ID, but I was like , why not just so he can leave me alone. The first thins he says is that we have to meet up next time I came home. Of course my smart mouth said why. I owe this man absolutely nothing, especially my time. He said we have to talk. Talk......I already did my talking three years ago. I have nothing left to say, is what I said. He, of course, dared to disagree. It was that moment, that one moment, I flipped. He is trying so hard to make an effort to be in my life. He had now 24 years to be a father. I lost all trust to him with all the broken promises I’ve been through as a child. I had to explain AGAIN that my mother had no influence on my opinion of him. He was just a terrible father and I don’t know how many times all of us siblings have to explain that to him. 

So...after my ranting, he claims he wants to do better. Old record same tune. I’m not taking this risk of trust again. I’m too old and I’m dealing with enough. My two conditions to even consider making things work with this man are simple. One, stop blaming my mother for everything that went wrong. She did nothing but you know, be a mother. two, mend the relationship with the rest of my siblings. Only then, I will possibly consider it. 

... rediscover what self love is

...determine a purpose in this world

...learn my own definition of freedom