more crystalbrain biography
having accomplished his goal in upperercutting a train into teh sun, crystalbrain continued 2 go and accomplish superhuman feets of power, and he used a fake body 2 ascend 2 teh stars in an alternate reality. the only thing about this was that the planets he discovered were interweb planets made of superstitition, not actual dead rock and frozen gas planets liek in what he thought reality was. this was ok with him, even though he now had 2 deal with a bunch of dead philosophers hanging out with hallucinations of greek gods. apparently this was ok, but he did not feel right, and decided 2 leave the solar system.
this was an unfortununate choice however because there was just liek a dark void with liek nothing in it except ads for penis enlargement pills and porno, and so he drifted through lots of videos of people doing really nasty stuff with all kinds of orifices and things leik that until he reached heaven, where everyone was high on crack due to the CIA. he knocked on the door and this dude just started talkin about how he was fuckin high as fuckin hell and that they had so much crack 2 smoke and they never ran out in heaven. he picked up some free rock and decided 2 leave and was sent 2 get a tour of hell…
in the 1980s everyone in hell was doing coke but they had moved on to meth, and all these dictator dudes and CIA agents greeted him in hell. it was ok he guessed, but they were totally spun out of their mind and masturbating furiously while staring at the porn void between heaven and hell. the pope's ghost body had just come across the void and had picked up a rock from his dealer in heaven but he went down 2 hell 2 get some nice crystal, but the problem with hell is that they had 2 synthehesize the meth using rituals with lost souls. not wanting 2 be one of these lost soul dudes, crystalbrain decided 2 go convert 2 buddhism and went 2 visit gautama buddha, who was completely stoned as hell on marijuana in a state of nirvana (which according 2 some ppl is the same as samsara (witch means that the illusion and libereration from illusion are teh same i guess i dunno)).
crystalbrain received much wisdom from buddha and using super mind powers destroyed heaven and hell and returned 2 earth in a state of nirvana (which meant he was listening 2 nirvana on his headphones). he then laughed at how even tho he was dumb he could grasp teh basic fact that everyone was dumb because they believed in stuff. but then he smoked a bunch of crack and meth and things started 2 suck again for him because of delususional thinking.
crystalbrain after his de-enlightenment deicided 2 go 2 a bar, but this was not really satisfying as the bartender was not happy when he took out a crack pipe and started smoking a rock on a barstool. crystalbrain will never forget the look on the man's face as "don't bring me down" by electric light orchestra or some shit was playing on the jukebox and he said that he was going 2 call the police. this started an argument which ended in crystalbrain picking up a bottle of jagermeister and smacking it over teh head of the bartender, and since crystalbrain was a superman he ended up slicing the bartender from the top of his head down to his nuts. he realized that the police were going to arrive but doo 2 him being a paranoid dude he decided 2 smoke a huge rock of crack so he could run away faster. unfortunately his lighter wouldn't light at first and then he just kept hitting the crack pipe over and over again. when teh police arrived he realizized that he had forgotten to run so he had to fight the police and so he picked up two bottles of liquor and threw them at the police and they hit two of the motherfuckers straight in the face with excessive force, decapitating them.
now he realized he was a cop killer but because he had superpowers he didn't care about being arrested so he started imitating donatello from the teenage mutant ninja turtles with a pool stick and shoved it so far up the ass of a cop that he was impaled on it. then, since he was being repeatedly shot, he used his special wound healing powers 2 suck the bullets into his mouth and spit them at the cops, killing them liek that bad guy in the movie the mask (he was a fan of this movie i guess). so there was a bar full of dead cops and since all the cops were dead he stole a cop car and tried 2 take it 2 a chop shop to sell it for parts so he could get money 2 buy more crack. however, the guys at the chop shop had heard that there was a reward for his capture so they pretended liek they were going 2 strip the car for parts and then went and called the cops, who this time showed up with a huge basketball-sized crack rock they had seized from a guy who was working for the CIA.
they told him if he cooperated he could have this huge rock and so he went to the police station. however they didnt hand him the b-ball sized crack rock, so he got angry and used telepathetic mind-control powers 2 have the cops line up to suck his dick while he had the handcuffs on. what happened next was all a blur for him, but when he got the rock he realized he didn't have a crack pipe big enough 2 smoke it in, so he tried 2 think of a glass tube that was tapered at one end so he could take a hit off of it but he couldn't think of anything that existed liek this. he broke his handcuffs. so while he was getting his dick sucked by the cops he had the bright idea of shooting the crack rock with a shotgun and thus breaking it into many pieces, which he put inside of a crack pipe one at a time and smoked. anyways he got so high that he grew a pair of wings and his dick split into two serpents which entwined themselves like a caduceus (which is that symbol that is incorrect but used as a symbol of medicine even tho its for the god hermes or something). anyways, since there were now two dicks that he had he had two cops sucking them and he was flying through the air until he decided to drop them in the grand canyon, and thus he made his escape.
crystalbrain sat on top of mt. everest and meditatated while freezing his ass off. he used awesome fireball powerz to surround him leik a dude who had read too much new age crap. but he knew he had crossed a line where he could never go back 2 that reality again. so he entered an alternate universe where that had never happened and did extremely large amounts of various drugs while sucking his own dick in a yoga posture. "wut do i do now?" he pondered, as all of his crimes were magically erased by his state of nirvana. nirvana's "scentless apprentice" played on repeat in his mind becuz he lieked that song. he spent a month as a painting on a wall and his eyes would follow ppl as they walked by, which some ppl noticed and were creeped out by.
he felt lonely; everything he wanted was gone with a stretch of his middle finger. he had no need for work, had tried every drug, had even authored a very badly written book on esoteric homosexual intercourse that was never published. this was the limit; no one could stop him from doing anything he wanted 2 do. he pondered this for a while and the more he pondered the less he lieked life. all of the cops he had killed were alive and well, all of the people who stood in his way had never met him and had no cares for anything. he was marvelous, a true wonder of perfect stupididity, enlightenenment, power, and destruction. there was nothing left to do except maek fun of people, which was just mean but he did it anyways for a while, especially on twitter.
he thought of people in unfortunate positions, liek the worst possible situatation where everyone was so completely fucked by what they thought reality was and he would come in 2 maek fun of them. he would walk among them as one of them, inhabit their bodies, look through their eyes, and at the last second, he'd save their asses and everything would be great again. this was teh hope ppl had, that their problemz could be solved by some dude from virtual reality just crashing in liek a messiah or antichrist or christ or final avatar of vishnu or what the fuck ever, but he would just be there, laugh at their problems, inform them that they had an inaccurate understanding of things and needed enlightenened stupidity to save their asses, and he would provide this with extreme prejudice by waving his dick around liek a magic wand and making reality better.
