When Grown-Up Children Do Not Listen
Sometimes children just do not listen to what their parents have to say. Yes, that happens a lot, in fact, that happens to all the parents sometimes and with some of the parents all the time. And it is frustrating.
I meet many frustrated parents whose common complaint is that their children do not listen. These parents are desperate because they know what they are saying and doing is for the good of their child and that they want to protect their children from the outcome of bad decisions and actions. They want to protect their children from hurt and pain. But the children insist on disregarding the parents and that is very frustrating for them.
The parents need to accept that children are also individuals with their unique personalities, perception, and understanding of the world. Certainly, their understanding is not mature enough for lack of experience, but they believe that they know the best, exactly like we did when we were growing up.
This does not mean that we do not guide the children. It is our primary responsibility to guide them, but our expectations that the children should listen to us can be frustrating for us. We have to try our best. We have to try and steer them, guide them and approach the matter from two different angles.
Firstly, understand if the matter at hand is such that if not curtailed, the child can be harmed physically. If so, then using every means to stop the child is of utmost importance.
However, if the possible harm is not something that can be damaging physically or with a permanent consequence, we need to recalibrate ourselves. Firstly, we need to calm down and not bombard the children with accusing or warning words, basically not create a panic out of every situation. Once we are calm children are more open to listen to reasons.
Next, we can explain the reason why we are trying to stop them from certain activities or decisions.
Finally, we need to calmly give them an ultimatum if they do decide to go through with their choice. The ultimatums have to be given calmly because we cannot throw threats at them which we have no intention of following up. Give them consequences in terms of what action you will be taking if they do go through- for example, “you will not get the weekend Pizza” or “You won't get the weekend with friends if you do this now”.
If after this the children still decide to go through with their actions, just stay calm and do not spend your energy on shouting spells. Of course, you have to remember to put your ultimatum into action when the time comes. This way the children would learn the concept of, “Facing the consequences of your decisions”.
Parents remember- You cannot save your children from all their pains. Your parents have not been able to protect you from your share of pains. So concentrate on helping the children learn their lessons and not protect them from consequences but being there if there is some real threat.
If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for Parenting Counseling WhatsApp on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.
