#unchartedrevolution

Allergic ako sa Hipon. Pero gusto ko ito – literally, at figuratively.

Noong isang araw lang, nakakita ako ng meme tungkol sa hipon. The meme showed the irony of humans relating to Crustaceans. Na sa ipis na considered na crustacean for land, nandidiri ang mga tao. Pero sa hipon na considered as the crustacean for the sea, gustong-gusto ng mga tao. Plus, delicacy pa siya. Natawa ako noong Nakita ko ‘yon kasi totoo naman.

Masarap ang hipon. Seryoso. Kaya nga nasabi ko na paborito ko ang hipon in a literal sense. Anumang luto nito, favorite ko siya kasi masarap naman talaga lalo na kapag may patis. Kapag tinatanong ako kung ano ang paborito kung ulam, sinigang na hipon na agad ang sagot ko doon. Wala nang sabi-sabi. Masarap naman talaga. Ang kaso, tuwing sinasabi ko ito, may kasunod. Allergic ako jan. Di rin ako kumakain ng marami. Kaya magsasabi ako ng susunod na paborito kong ulam. Unfortunately, hindi na hipon. Allergic nga eh.

Gusto ko rin ng hipon – sa figurative na sense. There are things na we hold high regard of things that we remember things and people by. At sa hipon, meron akong ganoong experience. ‘Yong hipon, it reminds me of the value of sacrifice(?). Hindi siya directly attributed sa being ng hipon but the things that I associate it with. It was one experience. I am never good at buying stuff at the market. I don’t even go to markets noong time na iyon. Pero I did. I bought hipon, sa malayong palengke pa on a very early market trip. Maraming significant things ang naa-associate ko sa hipon. Kaya nga gusto ko ito, figuratively.

Comic relief moment. Yung nabili kong hipon, maliit para sa purpose nung may kailangan. Ang ending, bumili pa ng hipon na mas malaki. Buttered shrimp. Nagluto ng buttered shrimp. Haha. At least, ngayon, alam ko na ang tamang size sa pagbili ng hipon para sa buttered shrimp. Well, may lugaw moments rin noon. Pero siguro, sa isip ko nalang ‘yon. After all, it’s something I will always have on my mind. Always.  

Recently, nagkaroon ako ng profound liking sa kantang Germany and Rome ng the Ridleys. Hindi na siguro lingid sa kaalaman ng taong malalapit sa akin na solid talaga 'yong vibe ng The Ridleys. Iba 'yong folk-inspired song nila. Lagi akong nakukuha sa ganoong style.

Ilan sa lyrics na talagang pumukaw sa attention ko ay ang mga sumusunod:

When I told you that I loved you, well, I never would've guessed That you'd end up loving me too, and well, you know the rest.

You were smiling as the angels guarded you from up above And I couldn't help but wonder what you were dreaming of

In that morning birds were chirping and the grass was wet with dew; There and then, I saw the world from a different point of view

Higit sa lahat, ito 'yong masasabi kong favorite line ko:

We have traveled far to Germany and Rome But in the end, I know we'll find a way back home

Sobrang daming happenings sa buhay ko recently. 'Yong iba, parte talaga ng who I am right now. 'Yong iba, excess lang. Parang ingay lang. 'Yong iba naman, 'di ko inaasahang maging parte ng life ko pero nakuha ko na ring isama sa baggage sa mga dumadaan na araw, o linggo? Baka nga buwan pa. Taon? Pwede rin. Di na yata recently ito. But the thought remains.

Sa lahat ng mga bagay na iyon, sobrang dami ring nagbago sa akin. There are things that made me change who I am by nature. Need kasi for the things that has to be done. For the assignments na I have to finish. For the tasks I have to do. Hindi lamang sa expectations ng mundo (work, most of the time), pero kasama na rin ang expectations ko sa sarili ko. Nagbago ako. Sa totoo lang.

Malayo-layo na rin ang narating ko. And 'yong mga bagay that was mentioned above, are the things I consider as my Germany and Rome (G&R). Marami sila, actually. I have been to many places the past year. The past months. The past weeks. Heck, event the past days. These days weren't easy. Dahil sakanila, parang bumibilis ang buhay. Instead of what I have once heard na, "be in the moment," I can't. Ang daming demands ng buhay.

Masaya ako sa mga nasabi kong G&R ko, pero nakakamiss 'yong mga panahon na I get to be with what I can stay calm with. Where I don't feel much pressure from. Where I just enjoy every moment and be the best person I can be for myself. I have travelled far. Maraming natutuwa. Kahit naman ako, to some extent. Pero nakakapagod. Gusto ko lang, just like the song, for myself to find my way back home.

Siguro, the innocence. The calmness. The absence of most of my worries today. The love I give. The love I get. Nakakamiss. Things have really changed. Sabi naman sa kanta, in the end, we always find our way back home. Sana, mahanap ko siya. And sana, if mahanap ko siya, masaya ako sa babalikan kong home. At maging masaya pa rin kung may mga bagay mang dala ko through the G&Rs ko na hindi ko na kapiling sa pagbalik ko.

Bago maging sobrang rampant ng paggamit ng smartphones ng halos lahat ng tao, isa sa mga daily occurences sa buhay namin sa bahay ang makinig ng radio broadcast ng FEBC 702 DZAS. Sa isang segment nila, palagi kong naririnig ang tagline ni Beth Flores na nagsasabing, "Life is not a series of chances. It's a series of choices." Kung iintindihin, makikita naman 'yong katotohanan behind the words that were said. Marami kasing nagsasabi na sobrang daming chances ang dumarating sa buhay ng tao in their lifespans, pero I think what cumulatively creates every human experience ay ang kanilang choices.

In the quest to make the best decisions sa pang araw-araw nating buhay, there are times na we fail. Though there is an evident expectation for everyone to make the best, rational, at tamang decisions, hindi maiiwasan na we make the decision na nasa kabilang tulay nito. Ibinibilang ko ang sarili ko dito.

Sa tuwing iniisip ko ang life decisions ko, hindi ko maiwasan ang pagka-feel sorry ko for myself on some decisions that I have made. People might see me as this guy well-off, established to an extent, pero behind all the fancy facade, masasabi kong I really am not that person. Nakikipagusap ako sa mga tao and I am always amazed kung paano nila ako nakikita. Ewan. Palaging positive.

Pero hindi. Sana nga, ganoon nalang. Di naman ako sobrang sama. Pero alam kong hindi rin ako ang icon ng mabuting mga desisyon. Chief among the sinners, sabi nga ni apostle Paul sa 1 Timothy 1:15.

"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost."

This is the race na I think I am leading at. I might be harsh sa sarili ko, pero I do think na ako ito. Syempre, ako ang nakakaalam ng lahat ng details ng buhay ko to be able to come up with the conclusion. Kung iisipin nga, parang lahat might be able to come up with such conclusion kasi we know ourselves best. Unfortunately, ang scale ng paggawa ko ng desisyon ay tipped towards the other end.

Okay na rin siguro. Tama na rin naman siguro if I see myself as such since another reminder by Apostle Paul given naman to the Philippian members on Philippians 2:3.

"Don't do anything from selfish ambition or from a cheap desire to boast, but be humble toward one another, always considering others better than yourselves."

When are we ever ready?

Sa bawat panahon na nakikita ko itong quote na ito through an FB or Tumblr post, tweet sa X, or IG story, I always feel na this quote has something to tell me. Parang college palang yata ako, I have read this multiple times na.

Throughout the years, lagi akong tinatamaan. Maaaring situations and living conditions have changed pero there is always something na feeling ko, I want to pursue pero lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na I still have to be ready for this. Natatakot ba ako? Hindi ko alam.

Pero totoo naman ito, feeling ko. We are never fully ready for the things we commit to. Masasabi kong maari tayong 'mas ready' kaysa sa yesterday-versions of us. Pero, I don't think we are ever, fully ready. Ano nga kaya 'yong bagay na iyon that makes me love this quote, over and over again?

Ngayong gabi, sobrang struggle ang pagtulog. Medyo inaantok naman na ako kanina. Pero may ilang mga bagay that made me go on a rummaging of my mind to find answers. Unfortunately, wala akong mahanap na sagot. I really don't think I have the answers to these questions, contrary to questions I usually get to answer in my English classes.

In an attempt to fall asleep, I tried listening to podcast episodes about values na usually naman ay effective at nakaka-entice ng sleep sense ko dahil marahan ang pagsasalita nila. Natututo ako habang inaantok so it's like hitting two birds in one stone. Ayun lang, hindi rin effective. I continuously browsed sa ilang playlists ko sa Spotify. I ended up putting a song on repeat. It's "How to Save a Life" by The Fray. Nasa liked songs ko siya and it's not really something na I hold a liking for. Parang alaala lang siya ng elementary or high school days ko. The title, How to Save a Life, struck me.

For the longest time, parang ginawa kong mission sa buhay ang pagtulong sa iba to make life easy for them. Nasa isip ko, sa bawat pagkakataon na pwede akong tumulong, tutulong ako. I went lengths, stretched helping hands. Minsan nga, higit pa sa kailangan. Or sa tingin ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. It has given me a sort of purpose and a source of fulfilment. Lagi 'yon.

Kaya lang, on the other side of the spectrum, mayroon ring side na ngayon ko lang naisip. What if I am doing more than what should be done? What if in the course of helping people, I suppress the avenue for them to fix things on their own and deprive them of that opportunity to make themselves better? Parang nagkaroon ng kaunting gulf 'yong what I want to do for people, and what I should actually do for them.

Hindi ako magsasawang tumulong sa iba. Pero paano if 'yong akala kong "Midas Touch" ko ay reverse Midas pala? Instead of helping, nagiging suppresive? Am I really helping them? That is the question.

May nabasa ako noon na nagsabing subukan mong maging mabait sa lahat ng tao, baka kasi 'yong kabaitan mo 'yong kailangan nila for them to continue living. Sobrang ganda no'n. Pero baka may kabilang panig rin 'yong perspective na iyon? Baka naman, instead of helping them, saving their lives, ako pa 'yong panggulo? Mahirap. Shet.

Napaisip na tuloy ako. Ito ba 'yong Juancho na gusto kong maging? Ito na yata y'ong part ng kanta na "you begin to wonder why you came." Parang nagkaroon talaga ng major na shift sa what I am here for. Bilang man of the people and for the people, lagi kong ine-emphasize ang mga bagay towards the greater good. For others - minsan, forgetting myself. Kasi, sabi nga, be selfless. Pero ito nga kaya 'yong tamang paraan to answer the question "how to save a life?"

Talaga bang - the people I get close with - become better persons? Or na-shape ko lang sila to believe that my perspective of being a good person stems from my personal belief of being there for people. Maaaring we view ourselves as those who understand better, those who have superiority over the others since we claim to be the bigger persons at kami ang umiintindi - pero, iyon nga ba?

Matagal ko nang napanood ang movie na ito. Pero isa sa mga more(?) quotable lines ay ang sinabi ni Connor Mead kay Jenni Perotti. Na ang power in all relationships lies to whoever cares less. I agree with it.

Those who care less have a higher tendency to do things that compromise relationships kasi they love to a lesser extent. They wouldn't care that much kasi nga, they care less. So they basically can call it off easily.

Pero nakita ko rin 'yong pagiging tama no'ng second statement niya. Na when you hold that power, you don't have happiness (or you have lesser) since you give less of what you receive. Marami ring patunay na we become more happy when we care for, love, and make others feel valued. It's a great feeling rin naman.

Marami akong nakakausap tungkol sa maraming mga bagay. Some of them, ibinabahagi kung gaano sila kasaya. Ang iba naman, nagbabahagi ng mga bagay na dahilan ng kanilang kalungkutan.

Sa bawat oras na nakakausap ko sila tungkol sa mga ganoong bagay, hindi ko talaga alam ang dapat kong sabihin. Hindi naman ako magaling magbigay ng payo.

Pero kailanman, hindi ko nakalimutang sabihin na kapag masaya ka, make the most out of it. Kapag malungkot naman ang kausap ko, nasasabi ko na lamang na damhin niya ang nararamdaman niya para masulit niya rin ang kasiyahan sa panahon na muli siyang magiging masaya.

Kanina lang ulit ako tumugtog bilang part ng isang banda. Sa church ito. And I realized na I love it. Yung pagtugtog.

Feeling ko tuloy, I got caught up so much sa lahat ng mga nangyayari sa paligid ko with all the work and personal things na I kept myself occupied with na I got too busy to even try music. There are many things na I have in mind right now, pero I can't even turn it into words.