#uncared

I've (29F) been seeing a guy (29M) since February. We've been on about 8 dates, he's told me he likes me, isn't interested in seeing anyone else, and we're moving toward something more serious.

One thing that's always been a little odd is that we only ever meet for drinks around 7:30–8 p.m (which most consider normal dinner time in my country). We never eat. We alternate paying for dates (if anything, I've probably paid slightly more overall), and I even booked the hotel the one time we stayed somewhere together, so this isn't about expecting him to pay. I just genuinely don't understand the food situation.

About two months ago I told him I'd really like for us to actually have a meal together sometime. He agreed and said we'd do that next time. We never have.

Last weekend he invited me to spend the night at his place. We'd planned it for about two weeks. Before I came over, he asked what mixers I wanted to drink which I thought was sweet.

I got there around 6 p.m. We had drinks, talked, hung out, and fooled around. Around 10 p.m. I asked if we should order food. He said we could later because "pizza is always an option." We kept hanging out.

Later I brought up food again. He said he wasn't that hungry and got out a small packet of chips for us to share.

Later still, when it became obvious we weren't ordering anything, I even asked if he had instant noodles because I was hungry. He just said yes and also that he had those for dinner just two days ago, implying his disinterest. We never made it. Eventually I just fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up with a horrible headache, almost certainly because I'd been drinking and basically hadn't eaten. I told him I had a terrible headache and needed something to eat so I could take medicine. He went back to sleep.

I eventually found the medicine myself, then later asked him again for a cookie or something because I needed to take it. He told me which drawer to look in, opened it for me, and then went back to bed. I ate a cookie, took the medicine, and went back to sleep.

Around noon he woke me up because it was getting late. I asked if he could drop me somewhere nearby so I could get food and also meet my driver there. He refused and wanted to drop me at a different location instead. I gave up, had my cook send food with my driver, and left.

For context, this isn't an isolated thing. He's also affectionate before sex, but afterwards there's almost no physical affection at all. He'll cuddle before, but afterwards it's like the intimacy is over. Again, I brought this up after the first time we were intimate and that I needed more, and he acknowledged this. But it was like the exact same this time.

At the same time, he does thoughtful things. He remembered what mixers I like. He bought a soap specifically for me (but did not have a towel to actually be able to use the shower gel LOL). So I don't think he's intentionally uncaring, which is why I'm confused.

I can't tell if I'm expecting too much or if this would make other people feel uncared for too. Is this just someone who doesn't think about food and practical caregiving, or is this a bigger compatibility issue?

AIO?

Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (95% confidence)

Top comment: “>my cook my driver

woah woah a big shot in town But in all seriousness, if you're this unhappy with how things are going, why drag it out? You can see for yourself that nothing is changing. A miracle isn't going to happen - he isn't going to change. Don’t waste your time on something that brings you pain and discomfort. NOR”

Notable comment: “NOR. Based off the title I tried to go in with an open mind because as a man who has an eating disorder, I would often forget that my boyfriend has a normal eating schedule and needed actual food at normal times. But it only took a few times of my boyfriend mentioning that, hey it’s 1pm and ya know, I’m hungry, that I made sure to be more attentive to it and make it known that he was more than welcome to anything in my kitchen and I’d make sure to buy snacks and easy to make things, and I’d never say no to ordering food, I would just never be the one to suggest it. Just because I hate eating in front of people doesn’t mean he isn’t hungry.

Even if he does have an eating disorder or is on an appetite suppressant, he should still care enough to make sure that you get food, even if he might not want to eat with you. It’s definitely very odd behavior.”

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