#uggghhhhhhhhhhhh

Of course now this means I’m trying really hard to not think about how I have an ankle that is getting easier and easier to injure, and how my right hip joint is almost always in pain now (if not all day, then definitely by the end of the day), and how I have a shoulder that if I roll out of bed just the exact wrong way, I have to call out of work and not move for at least three days. And I’m - I’m only 34. And I’m working really hard to not let my thoughts spiral out from this, but

I’m 34. I work a physically demanding job with a highly developed set of skills that require a lot of careful application and time and attention and brain power and energy and creativity. I have spent almost 15 years developing the skills to do this job. And It’s definitely hard on the body. And when I’ve been coming home at the end of every day in pain for what I’m just realizing is probably months at this point... It’s pretty scary, because now is. The. Worst. The absolute worst time to go looking for a GP that I don’t have. Just scrolling I dunno if I can even find one for myself at the moment who is available. And my brain can absolutely jump to the worst scenario - a doctor having to explain that I need to find a new job, that I can’t work in a kitchen anymore, or that I need corrective surgery or therapy I can’t afford and that I likely might not be able to get with the way things are right now, when hospitals here are having to set up emergency patient spaces in their parking lots for covid patient overflow, and what if I have to change careers and I’m 34, I’m young enough that I can change careers but also old enough that changing careers at this point also feels like an actual setback and —