#ufasher

this year's lotus festival feels different than the last.

maybe it's strange, that this year there is a war, but finn feels a little more at peace than he did before. he doesn't know where it comes from, exactly, but he feels less pitiful, and less hatred for himself. maybe it's an effect of being home, back in etlia, facing his failures and the people that were not nearly as angry with him as they should have been. he still doesn't know why the world has offered him so much forgiveness when he has done nothing to deserve it and everything to deserve hatred, but he's coming to terms with it slowly. it's just how it is, even if he doesn't understand. if the families of those that died for him can forgive him, maybe it's okay to forgive himself, little by little. there are still plenty he hasn't spoken to; that he never apologized to, even though he should have as soon as he had the chance to.

he's still afraid. he is not nearly as brave as etlia deserved for him to be, even now, but he is trying, and maybe that makes him better than he's ever been.

asher would probably tell him that he is brave, and honorable, and worthy of admiration finn also can't fathom. he would now, anyway; now that he's returned to himself, after weeks–– months ––of fading away without finn doing anything about it. that's another thing he's trying to forgive himself for: letting asher suffer without helping him sooner. they both should have done better there, but ultimately, it doesn't matter anymore.

asher is asher again, and the air in noyillai is fresh, even if this place, too, is stained with blood. he admires laurelia for insisting on finding ways to celebrate even in the current circumstances. he thinks he needs it. all of deyuis does, probably.

there is still an undercurrent of anxiety the night of the campus's anniversary, inside lotus hall, unable to shake the violence of last year, but people still dance, and smile, and finn feels a little hopeful. he knows tomorrow, the world will descend back into chaos, but just for tonight, there's respite; a glimpse of what the world could be like if they were all their best selves.

he watches everyone else while they dance, stood off to the side with asher beside him as well. it's comfortable: witnessing joy, however temporary it may be, and asher next to him. he's thankful that they can be here like this, and he supposes they have their own reasons to celebrate: asher still being alive. asher being asher again, even if he has new scars.

a soft smile rests comfortably on finn's face, and it stays there as he turns to asher. "we should dance," he suggests, and his smile widens a little more. "do you still remember how?"

returning to etlia with @ufasher

being home is strange. then again, he doesn’t know if he can even call it home anymore. finn ultimately has nothing here; his home was stolen by some gleerian duke that now lords over the state they call soule, and another over remilly, both previously lucinier territory. his territory. 

he can say he is back in etlia until he’s blue in the face, but it ultimately changes nothing. realistically, they cannot chase gleerium from their borders. they cannot reclaim their home. they can not escape from under the harsh boot of their cruel overseers. 

or maybe finn is just being too cynical. it wouldn’t be the first time, especially in the past year. maybe there is some way to build etlia up from its ashes, in name and all, but finn can’t bear to put any hope in that possibility. his heart has been broken more than enough; he doesn’t know if he can handle more failure and disappointment.

everything around them is a reminder of it all, though. he doesn’t know if it’s better or worse that he isn’t alone for this, instead, accompanied by asher, fellow etlian, though one that rarely left his own home, if ever. finn feels the need to explain it all to him; that’s the stable my first horse was from and that’s the field where i tried to learn how to ride a pegasus without telling my father and that was the best tavern in lucinier before gleerium burned it to the ground. there’s so much to cover, all of it incredibly painful. finn feels torn in two, between the desire to run and ignore it all–– to hide from all this heartache ––and yet he also doesn’t want to forget. he does not want to forget the way the streets he walked looked before they were marred by gleerium’s violence, or the days his people smiled, or the sacrifices they made, even if they were ultimately for nothing. 

even so, it makes him feel sick, and he doesn’t say much beyond pointing out landmarks and the ghosts of his country. he doesn’t think he can bear to. he doesn’t know how to. he feels both numb and on the verge of breaking.

maybe it’s out of habit, still ingrained in him after a year away, that his feet carry him to the former lucinier residence. he stops before they get anywhere truly close, though, and simply gazes across the small fields surrounding it, the gardens beyond them, and finally, the stone building that rises above it all. maybe it’s imposing to some, but to finn it was home, and looking at it now, he wishes he never came here. he doesn’t run, though. instead, he’s frozen in place, and he stares in silence. 

maybe he owes asher an explanation, or maybe he doesn’t owe him anything; maybe asher already knows the root of finn’s silence and vacant expression. either way, eventually, he manages, “that’s the lucinier estate. was.”

[ link to your uf:lotusfest tag ] [ link to your status page ]

APPROVED! + ONE 4 STAT LEVEL UP ASHER IS NOW LEVEL 8

the stats you can add have been randomized, and you must now distribute one point each across 4 different stats for your level up. you must add stat points to two of the strong skills listed on your application.

[ link to your uf:winter1 tag ]

[ link to your status page ]

APPROVED! +ONE 8 STAT LEVEL UP +ONE 7 STAT LEVEL UP ASHER is now LEVEL 6

the stats you can add have been randomized, and you must now distribute one point each across 8 different stats for your first level up and 7 for your second. you must add two of those stat points to two of the strong skills listed on your application with each level up.

finn doesn’t know how he ended up here, in an open field, teaching the guy who was hired to kill him to dance in preparation for the upcoming lotus festival, but...here he is regardless.

asher is nothing if not persistent. he was persistent when he sat down across the table from him on the day they met, when he threw that knife into the board above his head, unbelievably chatty about the fact that he was essentially hired to assassinate him. he was also persistent when he showed up outside finn's door the next day, impossible for finn to shake off.

he eventually gave up, accepting that unless he gave asher very clear directions, he would likely follow him around like a lost puppy. finn still doesn't really understand why. is it because of his former power? surely asher knows there's nothing to gain from him in that regard. is he playing the long game to kill him anyway? no, finn thinks he's smart enough to judge whether that's the case or not, and asher...doesn't seem like the type to plan that far ahead or that strategically.

maybe he just likes him for some reason. finn doesn't understand that either; surely he lost all of his redeeming qualities when etlia lost the war and he fled without a word. he is no longer friendly or particularly helpful; he's still good with a sword, maybe, but he wasn't good enough. all he does is fight and drink and he doesn't think he will ever amount to more than this. he learned to accept that, too. this fate is punishment for failing his country, and it is one he bears willingly, because he knows he deserves it.

truthfully, he doesn't want to teach asher to dance, and doesn't want to go to the festival, but ziyu is paying him to accompany her on the day of the anniversary and asher is annoying, and he hopes maybe, if he teaches asher to dance, he'll busy himself in the lotus festival's ballroom and leave finn alone on the final day of festivities.

he kind of doubts that too, but at least if he does this, he can stop asher bothering him for now, so he'll take that much.

"it's honestly easy. you basically just make a box with your feet. you're probably gonna want to do the lead part, so i'll teach you that. first, you stand with your feet a hip's distance apart, arms by your sides. then you want to step forward with your left foot, and land on the ball of your foot as lightly as you can." he does as he instructed, demonstrating himself. he doesn't know how slowly asher will need him to explain this, so he figures he'll let him get that far first.