#uess

It’s occurred to me that I really need to learn how to let myself take breaks. I’m in a constant state of needing to be productive to feel like I’m actually a good person and it’s really not healthy for me. I can’t just sit down and play a game or write my own self-indulgent stuff without constantly feeling guilty that I should be working on Rott and it’s certainly no one’s fault I just don’t know how to treat myself it would seem.

Like it’s a good thing that I’ve actually gotten most of the second half of chapter four done in a month--I’ll probably get the entire thing done in much better time than before--but this has been a problem since day one and I worry one day I’ll put down my computer and never pick it back up because I’ll feel so guilty and be stuck in a loop. That’s why it takes so long for me to complete most chapters, I’m always getting bogged down by my own lack of niceness to myself that I get stuck.

I suppose that’s the way of things, though. My life seems a bit too caught up in the production of rott that I can barely spend time doing other things either; I go to work five days a week from eight am to four pm, have a nap when I get home, do a bit of writing, and it’s a good system but it’s not good for me. I get a bit more time to do my own things without as much guilt on the weekend but it’s still always there in the back of my mind that I should be working, I should be getting things done.

Just this week I told myself I’d actually get a start on one of the many games I have in my backlog but did I do it? No, instead I wrote 1000 words and deleted them only to write another 2000 words for different games. All in the same night. Productive? Yes. But I felt run down immediately afterwards as soon as I even considered booting up a game.

Honestly it all could be worse. I could be broke, I could be on the street, I could be so many things and for having what I do have I’m lucky. But I’m just tired of myself I guess. A bit tired of rott, too, but that’s because I usually need multiple projects on the go at one time. And those new ones are going. Slowly. Because I want to finish this chapter before I make a start on anything else.

This all compounds, really, until I can’t look at a single word I write without second guessing it and then I just need to switch off for a while because at that point the depression sinks in like the goddamned bitch it is. I say I treat myself nicely--I unfortunately have the horrible habit of retail therapy--but I never actually sit down read the books I buy, play the games I buy, they’re just sort of there taking up space in my computer or shelf. Sometimes I’ll manage to calm myself enough to get through a quarter or half or most of the game or book, but once I put it down it’s just left there to look pretty in my library.