#udatus

❛     a little.    ❜    A LOT.  probably much more than what would’ve been considered ‘ APPROPRIATE ’ for a spectator among the stands. the thrill was enticing. he stretches , rolling his arms a bit in an absentminded motion; bones shifting beneath skin and muscle to accommodate the gesture.  

           “ You’re here. ”

Okay, taking bits and pieces from last night’s headcanon session, I’m gonna try to make this make as much sense as I can.

We’re told that Kurapika finds the news in a newspaper article while he’s outside of the clan, finding a doctor for his best friend, Pairo. He’s pretty young at this point, (I mean if it’s four years, it implies he was 13) and at some point, probably sooner than later, (I’d imagine he’d begin his trip back upon hearing the news) perhaps with some form of doubt, rejection of the idea and the like, he’d require proof of the truth behind this article. That’s when he returns, and his flashbacks are explained. Obviously he was heavily shocked and traumatized upon arrival, probably searching through the village for perhaps even one person still alive, but there were none. He was desperate to find someone who could tell him the details of what happened, someone who could be there for him or understand the pain that he’s going through. 

This is when he devotes his heart to vengeance. Seeing everyone he’s ever loved, everything he’s ever known, tortured, beaten, dead, treated as some treasure to be stolen and stripped of their humanity, he cannot fathom the ill-heartedness of those who’d committed the crime, and sets himself out on this journey. Vengeance is the drug he uses to make his pain more tolerable, to give him a reason to continue living, something to strive for after he’s lost nothing. He clung to the idea desperately and still does, given the guilt he feels for its happening, he believes he is the one who must atone for this. He will bloody his hands if it means giving himself a purpose, a way to make up for the hell that his one mistake has caused. 

Eventually, he’d leave the sight, again, sooner than later. It’s not somewhere he’d want to stick around for more than he needed to. Given his escape, he’s now forced to live in the outside world by himself. Now, he is still emotionally traumatized, even STILL receiving random bouts of grief, rage, nostalgia, and flashbacks. Just after the instance, all of these must have been heavily amplified, given it’d just happened and he’d just seen it. He was a kid who had no control over any sort of his emotions and did not trust others, given the fact that even before this happened, during his first journey to the ‘outside,’ he’d experienced demonizing discrimination, being told he was a red-eyed monster and that he needed to leave the down immediately, and this very instance is the one that had revealed the setting of the clan, which in turn lead to their deaths. Information was relayed and everyone died at his fault, therefore leaving him distrusting of human nature outside of his now deceased clan. 

He continued to travel, never sticking around any one area for too long (a tip he’d learned and now understood from the rest of the Kurta Clan). He spend a lot of time in grief, anger, dealt greatly with people (even still) looking to him as something horrific, something inhuman, and casting him away from their settlements and towns alike. During this time, he had no choice but to fend for himself, probably going through and completing little jobs for people in any of the new areas he’d visit, before they’d find out about his eyes and cast him away then too. He worked to earn money, probably ended up stealing things in order to survive appropriately and learning how to exist in the real world, outside, and wherever anyone would lend a helping hand. Of course, he would not trust them, but he was also young and desperate, so I could imagine there were those who’d offer assistance for a little while at a time before he’d be on his way again (after being sent away by several, he began to leave before they could know).