#ucmstrong

November 4, 2015

I woke up at 8:00 am. Not really sure why but I did. I checked my phone and there was a text I honestly wasn’t expecting to find. “ UCM Alert - Stabbing reported in COB. Police responding. Avoid area.” This had to be some bad dream right? This kind of stuff doesn’t happen here. It happens on the news. It happens in other place but not here. We live in Merced. We’re just a small little city surround by cows and empty land. Our campus is small and everyone has seen everyone at least once. I tried going back to sleep but every few seconds the sirens of a cop car would make this nightmare just a little bit more real. Calling my parents and letting them know about what had happen is something I don’t ever want to do again. Hearing the panic in my dad’s voice was terrifying. Thankfully the next text came in. “Suspect has been detained.” Classes were cancelled but we were still in lockdown. The facebook page was being flooded with updates and theories on who and why this had happened. It was one victim then it was four and then five. Until someone released an official statement, it was all just theories. My phone was suddenly blowing up with texts, snapchats, and phone calls. Not that I don’t appreciate everyone’s concern or anything but repeating the same story over and over again was getting frustrating. I was on edge and the last thing i wanted to say was the same story.

Now I’m the kind of person to avoid the news cause it’s always full of things I don’t want to hear but for the first time I was actively looking for a live stream that would be broadcasting the press conference that was to be held. My roommates and neighbors were all crowded around my laptop as we anxiously awaited to hear what the exact details of this incident. When the press conference happened it was confirmed that 4 people had been stabbed ( thankfully none of them in critical condition and everyone was expected to recover ) and the suspect’s information was being withheld until his family had been notified. All we knew about this guy was that he was a tall skinny Indian ( by a victim’s testimonial, i’m not pulling this out of nowhere) student.

Another email had been sent out saying that classes would be cancelled on Thursday as well so a lot of people took this chance to go home and get out of here. Honestly I wish I could have done that. It’s not that I don’t feel safe here, it’s more that having to walk around campus knowing that this person has been to same places I have is a very unsettling feeling. To get our mind off of the incident we (as in my roommates, neighbors and some dudes on our floor) stayed up late playing games and just easing up the tensions. It was nice because for a moment, it was like nothing bad had happened.

November 5, 2015

I slept for like the longest time. It was great cause I didn’t think about anything of the stabbing. It was just a forgotten memory. However I woke up to a text again. This time from my dad. It was a link to an article that had the name of the suspect. Now if you want to go find out his name just google UC Merced stabbing I’m sure you’ll find it but I don’t want to say it cause it makes me uncomfortable. I found out this kid was a CSE major like me and a freshmen. Considering UCM is a pretty small school, there’s only one CSE class that nearly all freshmen CSE majors take. This guy was in my class. The only thought running through my head at this point was “What if this incident happened in the CSE lecture?” I was sick to my stomach. To be honest, I still am.

November 6, 2015

Walking to class was so weird. The campus is normally filled with people skateboarding or hoverboarding up the bridge and today it was just..empty? There was a silence in the air and everything was just off in the sense that today was anything but a normal Friday. The bridge wasn’t completely empty. Members of ASCUM were waiting up there with signs of encouragement and open arms. They were walking people to classes if anyone felt uncomfortable and it was a nice gesture considering that I know a bunch of people ( me included) were uneasy about walking past the area where a kid was shot down. I would have asked someone to walk with me because I could feel a panic attack creeping up on me but thankfully Anusha called and it was nice just hearing a familiar voice. I got to class and walking into the lecture hall was strange. I had found out earlier in the morning that the stabber was in my physic lecture as well. I was in my physics lecture. There were plenty of empty seats due to people going home and all that. However knowing that when everyone is in class, there’s going to be one empty seat and that’s where this stabber would have sat. He learned alongside us. He took the same midterm as us and it’s just..crazy to think that this could happen. He never seemed like the troubled type but I guess that goes to say that you never know what’s going on in someone’s head.

In class there were counselors and psychologists teaching us how to cope with all this.  One of the psychologists mentioned writing about things would help relieve some tension so I guess that’s why I’m writing this long post.  We were told to split into our discussion groups so when that happened some people shared how they felt about all this. One guy was late to work and because of that he basically avoided being stabbed at. He heard the gunshots that took the life of the stabber. It was chilling to hear honestly. This one guy mentioned some messed up things but that’s another story.