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I ate enough yesterday to fuel my body properly. I woke up this morning, went to the gym but I made sure to listen to my body and not over do it. After I got changed for work, I looked in the mirror with so much joy because for the first time in I don't know how long I was genuinely happy with my body and how I looked. I don't know how long this feeling will last but it gives me so much hope.
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I feel so so awful. Had a breakdown in the middle of a cuddle sesh. It was too much. Idk. It made me feel claustrophobic, and it didn’t make me feel safe or relaxed. I was on edge the whole time. My brain wouldn’t stop. And I felt like like every kiss she planted on my shoulder blade was some kind of claim to me. I didn’t want it, but I didn’t know how to say no. Eventually she just knew and told me she’d leave if it made me feel better. She left.
It’s not even that I didn’t really want to sleep with her, it’s that I know there isn’t any emotional attachment. I feel like trying to have romantic attachments with people, but it absolutely fucking terrifies me.Â
Then obviously there’s a boatload of background in which several people are taking up the space in my mind and are battling to the death (in my mind) as to what I should fucking do and just UGH.Â
Sometimes I wish I could go back to before therapy, before I had feelings and all that bullshit.
