Day 1133 of posting pictures of elephants.

day 271 without underverse — " well. i dont know what to do with you, so make yourself at home."

But there is an undeniable brightness in your smile. Your energy is infectious– when I look at pictures of you, I can feel it again, how easily you can draw people in with your joviality and honeyed words.

Here’s a contradiction: you mean what you say, and it’s all fake.

The lie comes from the fact that it can switch to venom in an instant. Your eyes can be so bright and inviting one second, then cold as ice the next.

I can never deal with emotional whiplash like that again. It stormed too often, and when there was sunlight it was indirect and harsh. Shallow and cruel, and yet you give the appearance of kindness.

I hate you and your stupid face, but I still see the beauty that drew me in. I have the compulsion to blame myself. It would be easy, to agree that I’m insane and wrong and listen to you say the same things you used to. To say yes and let you take and take until you’re satisfied.

…. but you are never satisfied. Everything I had, you took, and then some.

It would be easy to cower in your shadow and let you make all my choices for me. To stew in the cloud of misery you create and try to feel content with the shallow sunlight until you pull me back into the darkness with you and restrict me of my breath.