#tw:ed

Sitting on the lounge, you put your earphones in, tuning out the yelling as Sophie, Nate, Hardison and Parker played Monopoly whilst Eliot was cooking something for dinner. You stared at the laptop screen in front of you, typing hazily your thoughts onto an old document you'd had for years, like a personal diary that you only updated when you wanted to or needed to vent. But it wasn't enough. Needing air, you tried to look calm as you walked past everyone, making your way through the small house you'd rented for a holiday until you reached the backyard. Under the stars is the only place you truly felt safe. The only place you could breathe fresh air and allow yourself to feel. Emotions washed over you and before you knew it you were crying. Sobbing. Suffocating.

No sound left your mouth, as silent tears fell, fogging up your view of the sky. For a few seconds the world looked crystal clear before the tear rolled down your cheeks. Anger at the world for being so cruel to you and your family, for treating you like the butt of its jokes. Hatred aimed at yourself. Hurt from your past and the insults your mind hurled at you. Grief and fear for the future. Everything rippled through you, until soon all that was left were the tears.

Left numb as the last tears fell, a strange calm washed over you as you looked at the stars, feeling like Orion was soothing your soul, trying to heal the parts of you that you believed to be broken, smoothing the edges until they were soft enough to feel love again. The guitar of your music played through the earphones, speaking to emotions, offering small pieces of hope with the warm night air blowing the stars around.

“Hey sweetheart, I noticed you've been gone for a bit. Thought you might like to come and help me with dinner? I'm planning on making dessert too, but it'll take both of us to manage that and watch dinner” Eliot's voice was soft, concern lacing the small undertones of his question.

“Yeah, yeah I'll be right in.” Hearing his footsteps leave, you wiped your eyes, prepping yourself to go back inside and help with dinner.

You loved to cook. Had since you were little. You weren't good at it to start with, learning the hard way that potatoes were flammable, but you slowly got there. Now cooking felt safe, it was something to be creative with, to share with the ones you loved, and if you put enough into it, it could be art. That was one of the reasons you loved cooking with Eliot so much. He understood your love for food, and you understood his. However you always let him do most of the cooking, as dancing was your true passion, cooking was his. It was beautiful and fun to watch him in the kitchen, get all grumpy when it didn't work, but the small grin and faint chuckle when something was perfect made your heart flutter.

“Alright chef, what are we making?”

“Well, I've got the satay on the stove, the rice is half way through cooking and we need to get the vegetables in the oven. If we get creative, we can make an easy lemon meringue pie before dinner is finished being made.” The look of excitement in his eyes warmed your heart, helping to forget about the wave of depression that had hit you earlier.

Soon enough Eliot had assigned you different things until you fell into a comfortable dance of rotating between checking the different parts cooking for dinner, peeling and cutting the vegtables and making the lemon curd and the pie shell, leaving the meringue for last. Soon enough, all that was left was the stirring and to make the meringue. You were so busy that you didn't have a second thought when you rolled your sleeves up.

“Hardison! Man, I need you to stir this satay every two mintues. The oven and rice cooker will turn off in a few and just leave 'em” You looked at Eliot confused. He never let anyone else touch his kitchen, you were lucky he let you in when he found out you loved cooking too.

“Yeah, sure man, is everything good?” Hardison seemed as confused as you.

“Yeah, yeah, just gonna get some air for a minute” Signalling for you to follow him, Eliot swept out of the kitchen, into the backyard where you had been less than an hour ago.

The stars were still beautiful, as was the weather, but a nervous feeling set into your bones as Eliot looked at you for a minute with his arms crossed, staring at you concerned. For a split second his eyes glanced down at your arms. You knew he saw them. Eliot has been exposed to every kind of wound, and with such an eye for observation, you knew he understood what they were. No need to lie to him or blame your cat. He knew. Tears pricked at your eyes. Softening his stance, Eliot pulled you to him in a tight hug. You broke the silence first.

“It's fucking bullshit Eliot. All of it. It's so much crap I can't breathe” Unsure of when the tears had started to fall, you tried to keep from panicking as he stroked your hair to calm you down. You stood like that in his arms until you lost track of time, until your breathing settled, until the tears stopped and you could hear his strong and steady heart beat past your own.

“C'mon. Tell me what's going on.” Tugging you to the ground, Eliot sat down, pulling you onto his lap so he could hold you some more.

“No, Eliot, I'm too heavy to sit on your lap” It killed you to say.

“Pffft, no you're not. Sophie's luggage weighs more than you.” You giggled, not doubting that for a second, but you couldn't help but let your face fall when you remembered what you were talking about.

“Is that it sweetheart? Not feeling good about yourself?” His probing tone was so gentle that you spilt everything you'd been keeping in for years.

“Not just that. I mean, yeah, it's a good bit of it. I've hated myself since I was little. I've always been the bigger one out of my sisters and me. I know that most of it's muscle, and my friends just say I'm curvy, but I hate it. I feel like a fucking blimp, and being short too makes me stumpy. I've tried everything, dieting, vomiting, not eating, over working out and healthy methods. Nothing works, I never change. I hate it. And I hate how things are with my family. My sisters have always taken all the attention, as the angel and demon whilst I'm invisible. The only time I'm not invisible is when they need me to do all the housework, the cooking and cleaning and all the rest of the shit. I try to open up to my mum. I try to explain how I feel inside and every time I try, she just tells me I need to lose weight. I need to cut out sugar, eat less calories, count everything. She never says it to my sisters. Only me. It fucking hurts. Especially when every day my brain insults me, about how I look, how I'm useless, how I can never do anything right, how I'm a fuck up and a waste of space. I mean, the world must be punishing me as my dad got sick, badly, recently. I'm npt even good enough to save him from that. But for some fucking reason, despite it all, I don't have the guts to end it. Even though my family life is fucked up and manipulative. Even though I'm this fucking thing. Even though the world clearly doesn't want me anymore. I just want it all to stop.” You don't know when the tears started, but you watched as the droplets fell onto your trackies. No point in trying ro look good when you know no one wants you, especially Eliot. At least that's what you thought.

“I know the feeling. Maybe not the feeling of hating my reflection that bad, but I know the feeling of worthlessness. Of hopelessness. Of never seeing a light at the end of a tunnel and when you think you do, it's a fucking train. But there is life after survival. It doesn't feel like it, but there is. Now, I won't pretend I know or understand what it's like for you, but know I'm here sweetheart. What we got, in there, those four idiots playing board games, that's our family now. This is your home. Your place to let it all out. You don't need to hide from us to cry, or cut into yourself to get the emotions out because you feel you don't have another option. Tell us. We're here for you. I'm here for you. Can I ask why?”

You didn't even need to ask what he was refering to.

“I'm not sure. The first time I did I was angry. A dull, throbbing anger and sorrow that I wanted to scream. But I couldn't. So I dragged my broken nail down my arm until it left a mark. Then I did it again. I guess it's about control. I can't control my life. I can't control what happens at home, or work or even at dance classes. But I can control myself. I can make sure that I don't hurt anyone, even if they deserve it, I can make sure not to yell or snap or hit anyone or anything, by taking it out on myself instead. So yeah, I guess it's about control. Or maybe that I feel I deserve it. Maybe it's that the sting reflects how I feel, so my feelings and tears seem vaild, or maybe it's because it distracts me, shuts the voices up in my mind, or maybe it's because I'm just addicted to the sting. I remembered wanting someone to notice at first, hoping they could see my pain and help me, but now I don't want to burden anyone”

After a moment of silent nodding Eliot spoke up.

“I'm not going to force you to stop. I'm not going to make you promise not to. I know how it can be. How addictive. Me and my fists.... well there's a reason they're red and raw most days and it ain't because someone needed my help. I know the draw of the sting. But please stop darlin', I don't wanna see you hurt, I don't want you to have lasting scars from a pain that isn't permanent. More than that, I wouldn't.. I can't let anything happen to you, y/n. I care too damn much to let anything take you from us.”

“How do you know my pain's not permanent? I've felt like this since I was twelve. Hated my body since I was eight. I don't even see how it's bad for me anymore”

“I wish... I wish you could see what you mean to me. Who you are and how amazing it is to be around you. Did you know my cooking always turns out better when you're in the kitchen? Even when you're not doing anything, just sitting on the counter babbling to me, you make it better. And did you know that Parker actually sleeps more peacefully since you gave her that stuffed animal and that Hardison gets the biggest smile on his face when you ask about his video games, even though you don't seem to really understand them? Did you know that Sophie sees you like her daughter and that Nate drinks less when you're around? You make things better and you're completely unaware of it. And I sleep better when you're around. I find that I can breathe more. This team are the only people in the world that I can open up to, you especially. As for your looks. Excuse me for saying and I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but damn. The way you look. Beautiful. Stunning. Divine. There aren't enough words in the English language, or any other language for that matter, that can describe how beautiful you are, inside and out. You don't need to be skinny to be beautiful, and honey you are gorgeous as you are. That being said, don't think for a minute that you're too big. To me, you're the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I-”

“Yo Eliot, the timers turned off a while ago and I don't know how long you want me to keep stirring this for man. Can you come check it?” Luckily you were saved from trying to answer. You brain was completely empty and exhausted, too many emotions to comprehend.

“Yeah, sure, gimme a minute man” Looking at you gently he mumbled “Are you going to be alright now? We can go in there and have dinner, or if you want you can eat out here, but I'll eat with you, alright?” You nodded silently, shuffling off his lap as he brushed a kiss to your forehead, holding your hand as you walked behind him into the kitchen.

Board game packed up, movie night turned off, dishes in the sink, you started to run the hot water, taking a chore away from tomorrow's to do list. The others disappearred, presumably to bed.

Silently, as you did the dishes, Eliot walked in grabbing a tea towel, drying the dishes next to you. When it was all done, he held you hand, tugging you into his bedroom.

“Stay the night?” The hope in his voice nearly broke you, and you couldn't think of any where you would rather be. Eliot had always been your rock, always knowing what you need before you could even say. Maybe he knew you didn't want to be alone tonight, or maybe he simply wanted to keep you close, so he could fight your demons. Either way, as you curled onto Eliot and he rubbed your back until you fell asleep, all that mattered was the warmth of the his hug.